


Yet Another Harry Potter Movie Parody: Film 5

by iheartmwpp



Series: Yet Another Harry Potter Movie Parody [5]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Gen, Humor, I Swear Worse Than Usual In This One, Parody, References To Things No One Knows, Screenplay/Script Format, Trigger Warning - Dolores Umbridge
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-16
Updated: 2013-10-16
Packaged: 2017-12-29 14:58:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 20
Words: 70,589
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1006762
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iheartmwpp/pseuds/iheartmwpp
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Because all the cool kids are doing it. Contains the worst decisions Dumbledore could have ever made in all of canon, the most evil fictional character ever created becoming even more repulsive, and Daniel Radcliffe's distinct lack of hair.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Teh WHAT THE SHIT IS WRONG WITH HIS HAIR

A/N: This film can be kinda hard to take Siriusly you realize that the entire film can basically be summed up thusly:

Film Five: *comes out on 7/11/07*

Book readers watching for the first time: Cool, another movie's out! Shame about Sirius, but we're practically ignoring it anyway since we know what happens, so we're gonna spend our time with all these other Harry Potter fans on further speculation about what might happen in Book Seven.

Book Seven: *comes out on 7/21/07*

Book readers watching for the second/third/five hundred and thirty-sixth time: OH GOD WHY IS EVERYONE DEAD. *sob*

But I'm sure you all want more than that. At least, I think you all want more than that.

Disclaimer: I do not own anything from the film/book Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, any other movie, book, or game in the series, A Very Potter Sequel, Twilight, Casablanca, the Muppets, Naruto, Yu-Gi-Oh!, Pokémon, Star Wars, Lilo and Stitch, or Rifftrax.

~Oh my God, IT'S WARM IN SUMMER WHAT IS THIS I DON'T EVEN.~

Warner Brothers Logo and Title Card: Yeah, let's just get this out of the way since no one cares.

Creepy clouds surrounding said title sequence: *instantly disappears after making the Sun look like it was the prophecy sphere thingy, and then we see a decidedly sunny day over Surrey, creating a bit of a mood whiplash, really*

Jim: For some reason, you can hear me even though we're in the middle of some random park somewhere, far away from any kind of television or radio. Anyway, we're so used to a stereotypically chilly summer that the concept of a hot summer that Americans are so fond of is quite foreign to us. Over thirty centigrade, ninety Fahrenheit? 'S like we're suddenly in the desert or something! Do we even have air conditioners, HOW DO WE COPE?

Harry: I AM WALKING. And now I'm sitting on a random swing in a playground, staring at my own shadow.

Audience: TRULY THIS IS AN ACTION-PACKED MOVIE FILLED WITH EXCITEMENT AND ADVENTURE.

Random mother:I'm here to remind everyone that our protagonist is, in fact, an orphan, and that he's bitter and depressed about it and stuff.

Book readers: Ooooooh, this is the book where his teenage angst gets all CAPS LOCK-y, this is gonna be sooooo awesome!

Random mother's son: My balls have clearly dropped by now, I should not be depressed about leaving a playground or even want to play on it anymore, unless I'm over twenty and being nostalgic.

Audience: OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR HAIR.

Harry: Too many people complained about it being too long last film.

Audience: SO THEY DID THAT? Leaving. *leaves*

Harry: …Well this has gone off to a good start. Now to STARE AT THIS MERRY-GO-ROUND WHEEL THING PEOPLE LIKE TO SPIN ON IN PLAYGROUNDS FOR HOURS ON END.

~Three hours later…~

Harry: HOLY SHIT IT'S STILL SPINNING WHAT KIND OF MAGIC IS THIS WHAT THE FUCK'S HAPPENING HAVE I REALLY JUST BEEN SITTING HERE DOING NOTHING FOR THREE HOURS WHY WON'T ANYONE I LOVE ANSWER MY INCREASINGLY NEEDY LETTERS DO THEY NOT COMPREHEND HOW MUCH I NEED THEM RIGHT NOW NO ONE UNDERSTANDS MY PAIN.

iheartmwpp: This CAPS LOCK moment was brought to you by the fact that this movie sucks ass.

Dudley and Friends: WE ARE LAUGHING.

Malcolm: They say to never hit a man with a closed fist, but it is on occasion hilarious.

Piers: Yeah, Big D, isn't it brilliant how we're essentially paralleling Potter's father and his friends when they were at school? It'd be great if Potter's experiences with us would cause him to be totally disillusioned by his father's actions later in the film.

Gordon: It's largely kind of pointless in this version, though, considering that Potter won't even have time to show how much that memory fucked him up due to time constraints and the fact that we're not even bothering to show the full memory.

Piers: Good point.

Harry: Big D? Siriusly? What the crap is that supposed to mean?

Dudley: In case you were wondering, the D stands for my weiner.

Harry: WHOA TMI. So yeah, who'd you beat up this time, another two-year-old?

Dudley: This one deserved it.

Harry: A shitload of people who should know better trying to murder an infant. You know, this sounds oddly familiar…

Dudley: The toddler kicked my ass the day before, we wanted revenge.

Harry: Hmm…Nope! Not familiar at all! And neither will several bullies beating up one victim ever be familiar to me outside of this context!

Dudley: You don't appear to be very brave either, considering I have noidea what you do at school. I mean, moaning in your sleep every night? I don't really know why I'm assuming that you're afraid of your pillow when by all rights I should be making fun of you for having wet dreams.

Dudley's friendly-friends…Okay they'remore like minions: AH HA HA HA HA HA HA.

Dudley: Though I suppose I sort of make up for it when I imply that you were having wet dreams about Cedric.

Harry: And it's not like I'm doing a good job refuting that claim either by telling you to shut up.

Dudley: Yep, just keep the ammunition coming. Also apparently someone was gonna kill you or at least you have another set of bullies chasing after you—so jealous of that, by the way, you were my first punching bag—and then I assume you overreacted and started shouting for your mother or something.

Harry: Huh, maybe I should've defended myself and said that the guy who murdered my parents was trying to finish me off and that I had every right to start screaming for my mum during that time. Though I didn't, so nyah.

Dudley: Well apparently you do in your dreams.

Harry: Point.

Dudley: Okay, did they give me pot before this scene or something? I look completely stoned. Also I find it hilarious that you are without parents. This is funny to me.

Dudley's minions: Your being an orphan is hysterical! LOLOLOL.

Book readers: …Okay, that was low and inhuman even for Dudley…wait, we get a different screenwriter this time in addition to yet another director? Okay…Not sure how we feel about that yet, even though this opening is a little on the weak side. Hopefully he'll extend a little of Hermione's focus over to Ron, though, and maybe ease up a bit on the blatant H/Hr shipping.

Dudley: Yo mama's so dead, when people shake the coffin worms fall out her ass!

Harry: Okay, that's it! I'm going to angrily storm up to you, try to jab my wand into your throat, miss slightly, and correct myself, looking rather weak the entire time! We really should've done another take so I could come off as a bit stronger.

Dudley's minions: Yeah, we reserve the right to laugh at that.

Clouds: WE ARE SUDDENLY DARK AND MENACING.

Dudley and Harry: …Well that's weird.

Dudley's minions: Okay, the thing about summer in New England in the US is that sometimes it'll get really cloudy really fast, rain and thunder and stuff for five minutes, and suddenly it'll be bright and sunny again and it'll be like it never happened. Does that just not happen in the UK, like, ever? Why are we fleeing like a bunch of pansies just because it got a bit cloudy and windy?

Dudley: …Do you have the power to change the weather?

Harry:…Not that I know of, no…

Dudley: Siriusly, what are you doing?

Harry: I'm not doing anything, I swear!

Rifftrax: You're doing something, my weiner just turned into a kazoo!

Dudley's minions: WE MUST ILLOGICALLY FLEE FROM THE SCARY WINDS BECAUSE WE'RE TOTALLY CONVINCED THAT IT WON'T CONTAIN SOME CREEPY DEMON FROM THE DEPTHS OF HELL ITSELF. Siriusly, what's wrong with us.

Dudley: *watching trash fly by* Merlin's undercooked brownies, this playground's filthy.

Harry: Forget that bullshit about me being able to run really fast and you being unable to catch me, instead let's run away at exactly the same speed!

Dudley: Sounds like fun! WHEEEEEEEE!

Harry: Okay, why didn't I just go to the playground from Film Three, that seemed waaay closer to Number Four than wherever this is, with potentially more witnesses to see me being held up and choked to death by something invisible.

Weather: INSTANT POURING RAIN! Enough to make massive puddles in this dirt road the kids are running through in the space of a second—Okay, what the fuck, even sudden summer storms don't work that fast.

Dudley: Oh hey cool, an underground…pass…thing…that's extremely leaky and shit—Okay, why didn't we just go home?

Harry: I assume this is kind of on the way-ish…Why are the lights flickering and why is ice starting to materialize over them.

Dudley: Yeah, this is beyond weird. I blame you.

Harry: …Seeing as I think I just figured out what's here…you might be right about that.

Dementor: HEY we look more like skeletons than ever. How lovely and noncanon. *grabs Harry and slams him into the wall*

Harry: Oh shit muffins.

Dudley: I just witnessed my cousin being lifted up and slammed into the wall by something I cannot see while it's exponentially freezing and I'm suddenly feeling quite depressed! THERE IS NO WAY THAT THIS WILL COME IN HANDY LATER ON.

Harry: Dudley, you might want to GTFO now.

Dudley: Okay, nice knowing you—DAMN YOU PRATFALLS!

Harry: I'm dying too much to giggle right now.

Other dementor: I don't know why I'm going for the whole menacing look, he can't see me anyway, and I'm actually supposed to be going about this gently, the original design was supposed to be about us not rushing anything, as if we had all the time in the world, so we'd be more menacing. They kept all the other changes made from Film Three, why not this one? Oh, right, food. OM NOM NOM.

Harry: *in the process of getting his soul sucked out* Least they're not exactly blurring my face as much anymore, though why they're still attempting to suck it off is anyone's guess. Bloody films and their need to have a visual for everything. *grabs his wand, which was in his right pocket, with his left hand, when his right arm was completely free. Um…why?* And since when did poking a dementor in its nonexistent eye have any sort of effect, anyway?

Dementor: OW MY NONEXISTENT EYE! *drops Harry*

Harry: *drops wand*

Wand: Hey, we never pointed out that my design was also changed drastically in Film Three! How did we miss that?

Harry: *crawls backwards on his ass* You are really far away, wand.

Wand: Yep. It's almost like it was intentionally done to drag out the scene and pretend like there's suspense when it's the beginning of the movie, there are three more of these things, and no one cares about Dudley until after Book Seven.

Harry: Huh. *finally grabs wand* EXPECTO PATRONUM!

Dementor: OH GOD WITH THE ANTLERS.

Prongs: You can just barely make me out before I become white smoke once again.

Harry: Phew, glad that's over with—

Dudley: OI!

Harry: Oh, right. Yoink!

Prongs: Yep. White smoke. When Harry says his Patronus is a stag in Film Seven, movie watchers'll just have to take his word for it if they don't remember those really short instances of Film Three all that well.

Other dementor: NOT THE FACE! *flees*

TRUCK!: *exists*

Dudley: …feel like shit…why did no one think to use me to testify, everyone in your freak world knows how sucktastic it is to go up against a dementor, you basically had lessons in it two years ago, my testimony could totally have helped…

Harry: And now to run up to Dudley, crouch down, and shake his shoulder pathetically. I know I couldn't care less about my cousin, but…There's just something weird and awkward about how I'm moving in this shot.

Mrs. Figg: What's all this then?

Book readers: …That's Mrs. Figg? The fuck?

Movie watchers: Who the fuck is this bitch?

Book readers: Eh, she was sort of mentioned in the books, though never beyond this one. But yeah, to those who haven't been reading since Book One…or, really, just Book One would've been fine for this, but this is a really poor way of trying to drag her in.

Movie watchers: No, Siriusly, who is she.

Book readers: WE JUST SAID SHE'S NOT IMPORTANT SHUT UP.

Harry: Mrs. Figg! *puts his wand behind his back, not acting suspiciously at all* My totally Muggle babysitter who has treated me almost as shittily as the Dursleys for my entire life! It certainly would be a massive betrayal if I were to find out that you had known all along that I was a wizard and continued to make my life hell in any case! Why, I'd hold you in as low esteem as the man who put me here in the first place! Aaaand considering I name my second child after him that really isn't saying much, but you know what I mean!

Mrs. Figg: Don't put your wand away, Harry! I certainly can't produce a corporeal Patronus, which sucks because an owl isn't quick enough and I'm pretty sure I don't have access to the Floo Network and I need to get a message to the Aurors who were supposed to be guarding you today since that guy you heard Arthur Weasley talk about three years ago in the books, you know, the guy who tried to hex him when his back was turned? He won't be introduced for another two movies so we have to stick with the rest of the random wizards we've got this year. Now what else can I talk about that would completely blow your mind and make you realize for the seventeenth time that your entire life is a lie…Oh, I do adore those Fizzing Whizzbees from Honeydukes! In Hogsmeade! Which is next to Hogwarts! In Scotland!

Harry: WHAT IS THIS I DON'T EVEN.

~Five hours later, they finally make it back to Privet Drive from THREE TOWNS OVER OR SOMETHING.~

Mrs. Figg: Weird how a random magical thing just appeared out of nowhere in the middle of a suburban Muggle neighborhood previously housing only one magical person.

Harry: *through clenched teeth, partly from carrying his massive cousin but mostly from sheer fury* Yes. That. Is. Quite. Weird. Isn't. It. Bitch. Face.

Mrs. Figg: What next? The whole world's gone topsy turvy.

Harry: Yah rly. Next I'll be hearing that my father, godfather, and former professor were just like my cousin and his minions when they were kids. Or maybe I'll find out that Dumbledore very nearly turned evil in his youth, and that he's gay even if that part is never explicitly stated. Or maybe it'll turn out that my Invisibility Cloak is actually a very old and very powerful magical artifact or something. Or maybe, just maybe, I'll find out that my old babysitter who also treated me like crap throughout my childhood WAS A FUCKING WITCH THIS WHOLE TIME.

Mrs. Figg: Don't be silly, I'm just a Squib. Who's been spying on you for Dumbledore for fourteen years.

Harry: And you know Dumbledore? What the fuck, people!

Mrs. Figg: Okay, that Diggory boy was fucking murdered last year and He-Who-Won't-Even-Deign-To-Show-Up-Next-Movie is wandering around killing people for the hell of it, did you really think that Dumbledore would just leave you on your own with no protection? We've had people stalking you day and night, my boy!

Harry: …And not one of them noticed that I was clearly wandering around in a rage, not having recovered at all from my traumatic experience of watching a friend fucking DIEright before my eyes and being repeatedly tortured via Cruciatus Curse due to a clear lack of a supportive environment? Did not one of them think that maybe they should, I dunno, talk to me or something? I get that Dumbledore's trying to avoid me this year, it doesn't mean he has to force everyone else to do the same thing!

Mrs. Figg: Oh please, this is the first chunk of the movie, nothing good can happen to you while you're stuck with your abusive family! Good lord, boy, they told me you were intelligent!

Harry: I'm surprised I haven't killed myself yet, I really am.

Dudley: I am so high right now.

Mrs. Figg: So we're here and stuff. Now drag your fatass of a cousin inside and stay there, you'll be safe, I suppose, considering that you're supposed to stay safe if you stay here, Dumbledore should've probably given you the exact radius at some point so that you'd never be in danger of fucking dementors attacking or something, but let's face it, he's not that smart.

Harry: Hear, hear.

Mrs. Figg: I expect someone will be in touch soon.

Harry: …I've been hearing that all fucking summer and NOTHING'S HAPPENED.

Mrs. Figg: Just…just stay inside from now on, that's probably best.

Harry: The day I've finally had enough, you're right after Dumbledore, I want you to know that. Fucking cow… *goes inside*

Mrs. Figg: *absently* That's nice, dear. *looks worriedly up at the sky*

~…It just rained, why are your sprinklers on.~

Jim: It is so fucking hot outside, stereotypically I don't think we get that kind of thing all that much so I have NO IDEA WHAT TO DO! EVERYONE PANIC, RUN FOR YOUR LIVES, SAVE THE WHALES!

Aunt Petunia: We're clearly well off, why don't we have air conditioning? Do they not have that kind of thing in Europe?

Noise: *is heard*

Aunt Petunia: About time, Diddykins, your father's nearly eaten all the ice cream, you know!

Harry: Hey, can I get a hand here?

Dudley: Is Breaking Dawn Part One still out? I really want to go see it.

Aunt Petunia: OH GOD MY SON WHAT'S WRONG WITH HIM. VERNON, GET YO FAT ASS IN HERE!

Uncle Vernon: Hang on, nearly finished. OM NOM NOM.

~Well wasn't that the most attractive thing anyone's ever seen.~

Aunt Petunia: Apparently we've handed him a tasteful trash can to vomit in if necessary.

Uncle Vernon: Something strange has happened to him! I have no idea what kind of otherworldly thing could have caused something like this!

Dudley: Point. *points*

Uncle Vernon: …Right, I knew that.

Harry: Did not!

Dudley: Did too.

Harry: Damn it, he's too smart for me!

Wizarding World: We're in trouble, aren't we.

Uncle Vernon: Happy, are we?

Harry: Thrilled.

Uncle Vernon: You've finally done it! You've finally driven him loopy!

Peeves: *bursts into song* Loony, loopy, Lupin, loony, loopy, Lupin—

Remus: Waddiwasi!

Peeves: OH GOD THAT DOESN'T GO THERE!

Harry: Good times.

Uncle Vernon: …Da fuck?

Aunt Petunia: Vernon! How dare you insinuate what most of his counselors have been saying for years!

Uncle Vernon: Petunia, just look at the poor kid, he's gone yumpy, whatever the fuck that means!

Dudley: Casablanca has to be one of the worst movies ever made.

Aunt Petunia: IT JUST KEEPS GETTING WORSE.

Uncle Vernon: *turns back to Harry* I've completely had it, and I assume I'm basically about to throw you out of the house like I almost did in canon, but Siriusly, stop it. Like, all of it.

Owl: Hey, guess what? More bad news—OH GOD WHY. *slams into ceiling* Arrg, why is this part of the ceiling lower than the rest of the house? Why would you do that—Aaah, wood and fishsticks.

Uncle Vernon and Aunt Petunia: WE HAVE CLEARLY NEVER SEEN AN OWL BEFORE IN OUR LIVES AND ARE MOST PERTURBED.

Dudley: You know what I'd really like to eat right now? Broccoli.

Aunt Petunia: …Okay, Diddy, maybe that's enough talking for right now.

Harry: …You okay?

Owl: Yeah, yeah, I'm fine…ice cubes are my happy place… *flies off*

Harry: Oh dear.

iheartmwpp: The subtitles refer to the owl as Hedwig even though it's clearly a spotted owl and not a snowy. Dicks.

Envelope: *rises and opens, the seal forming a pair of lips to signify that the sender is female. Because all females wear lipstick. Or at least some form of makeup on a daily basis. Otherwise we're hideous creatures who aren't worth bothering with and we're less than human. Actually, we kind of are already because our naughty bits are on the inside instead of just flapping about nastily. Yeah, that makes sense*

Dursleys: WHAT THE FLYING FUCK.

Mafalda's voice: Dear Mr. Potter. The Ministry has received intelligence—

Harry: *gigglesnort*

Mafalda's voice: Shut up, it's an expression!

Harry: Clearly.

Mafalda's voice: So at approximately 6:23:06 this evening, this letter coming to you five hours later apparently since it does notnormally get this dark this quickly until after around ten or so this time of year, though since New England in the States is iheart's only frame of reference she could be totally wrong about this, you performed the Patronus Charm in the presence of a Muggle who was already aware of the existence of magic. One who was, for the most part, completely unaware and half-conscious when it was happening, so he probably didn't even see what Harry was doing to begin with. I get that the Ministry's out to get Harry, but couldn't Dumbledore have found a loophole that exploited this or something?

Uncle Vernon and Aunt Petunia: *stare at each other incredulously*

Rifftrax: Keep in mind, those two have had sex.

Mafalda's voice: Furthermore, ignore the fact that this envelope in and of itself is basically breaking the Ministry's Statute of Secrecy far more than you have tonight by delivering this letter in front of three Muggles. Who also already know about magic but still. Honestly, I'm pretty sure these things aren't supposed to talk unless they're Howlers, and since this isn't red, isn't addressed to Petunia, and isn't from Dumbledore talking in a scary voice, I have no idea what they're playing at. Oh, and you've been expelled. Have fun with that. See you in the seventh movie when I'll be played by an entirely different actress! *turns back into a normal envelope*

Harry: …Fuck my life.

Uncle Vernon: Well the good news is he's not going to that freak school anymore so he won't learn how to blow us up out of revenge and we can attempt to stamp his abnormality out of him once more! The bad news is that we now have to constantly put up with him again all the time and also he probably already knows how.

Harry: Yeah I already know how. It's called reducto, I imagine if I use it on a human it would be very messy. Also my life is over, if you were to go ahead and take Dudley to the hospital or whatever you'll probably find me dead when you get back. And I should probably mention that chocolate helps and that I should have some myself, but I don't think I will, why should I ever put anything I learned from school by one of the actually competent teachers to use in real life ever?

~I saw a Muppets Christmas special that came out a few years ago…and I'm pretty sure that Richard Griffiths was playing Santa Claus. It was incredibly jarring.~

Aunt Petunia: Oh yeah, this floral sun dress is totally great for being stealthy. I should've put on my bright orange jumpsuit, that'd be even better!

Naruto: Why does everyone keep calling it a jumpsuit? It's a jacket and pants, it's not connected!

Uncle Vernon: D'aawww, I'm holding my son's hand, we're so cute! *shoves towel over Dudley's face and shoves him into the car*

Dudley: Watapon, I choose you!

Uncle Vernon: Oy vey.

Mrs. Figg: *tilts her head to the side* …Okay…

Uncle Vernon: Oh don't worry about him, he just watched the Star Wars Holiday Special.

Mrs. Figg: Oh, okay then.

~That movie'd fuck anyone up.~

Harry: Yeah, me kicking the chest two movies ago was far more convincing that this just now…OMFG FILM THREE DID YET ANOTHER THING RIGHT!($#*&!(}{!~~`!

Hedwig: Calm down, bitch face.

Harry: …I was just expelled, I should be packing and running away again, not listen to a woman who has clearly lost my trust if I had ever placed any in her to begin with.

Picture frame: You just smashed me, by the way.

Harry: Oops. Sorry. *picks it up and…places it on his bedside table…where it was two movies ago…so why did it migrate over to his dresser where he could barely see it rather than somewhere clearly visible?*

Lily and James: You broke our glass! You are so grounded, young man!

Harry: Oh come on, I was just expelled for preventing me and my cousin from suffering a fate worse than death, my friends apparently don't give a shit about me anymore, I was just under the Cruciatus Curse several times not even a month ago, I saw a friend die right in front of me, and I've had to deal with the fucking Dursleys all summer! ANDI was just horribly betrayed by my bitch of a neighbor! And NO ONE GIVES A FLYING FUCK ANYMORE, NOT EVEN MY CLOSEST FRIENDS EVIDENTLY. Merlin's gardening tools, did none of them notice how needy and clingy I've always been around them? I WAS STUCK IN A CUPBOARD FOR ALL OF MY FRIENDLESS CHILDHOOD, I NEED LOVE AND AFFECTION TO SURVIVE.

James and Lily: We don't want to hear it! Now go to your room and think about what you've done!

Harry: I'M ALREADY IN MY ROOM!

Hedwig: Could you keep it down over there, I'm trying to sleep.

Harry: *eyeroll* So this was nice of Dumbledore and the others, making me still think I was expelled even when I went to sleep. What nice guys.

~…If someone was watching him all the time, and they weren't bothering to cast Dung for this movie, then where the hell was whoever was supposed to have that shift?~

Review or the weather will suddenly become cloudy. RUN FOR YOUR LIVES THE WORLD IS ENDING.


	2. Teh WHY THE FUCK DIDN'T REMUS COME WITH THOSE GUYS

Disclaimer: I do not own anything from the film/book Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, any other movie, book, or game in the series, A Very Potter Musical, Dragonball Z Kai Abridged, Spamalot, Scooby Doo, The Producers, Naked, Code MENT, The Producers, Lewis Black, Pokémon 'Bridged, Yu-Gi-Oh! The Abridged Series, or Rifftrax.

~And then we open with a flashback. Oh joy. I can just tell that this'll never get old ever.~

Cedric:…Was this an extended bit of footage or did I actually have to come back for these two clips?

Harry: Iunno.

Cedric: And now I am the dead. Bleh.

Harry: …My reaction shots look kind of newish too, come to think of it—I mean, NOOOOOOO NOT CEDRIC MUMMY HELP ME OR SOMETHING.

Voldemort: *bursts into song* WHATEVER HAPPENED TO MY NOSE?

Harry: *abruptly wakes up* Dudley really needs to stop listening to the Spamalot soundtrack, now none of those songs will ever get out of my head ever. *resists the urge to also sing that song, replacing "nose" with "hair"*

Tonks: Presumably I just knocked something over.

Harry: Oh dear. *grabs glasses*

Key: Hey, I'm apparently on the inside now, as opposed to having several padlocks on the door. Which, if they're still there, the Order should probably question their existence. And stuff.

Harry: Okay, that's weird…as is me having a random comic book page tacked to my wall. What, is it Martin Miggs, the Mad Muggle? Shouldn't the drawings be moving, then, if it is?

Key: No idea, but I'm almost done turning now.

Harry: Zoinks! *gets up finally and grabs wand…don't really know why he didn't do that before, but…*

Key: I HAVE FALLEN!

Harry: I AM HOLDING MY WAND PATHETICALLY! Definitely should've learned how to have a firmer grip after four years.

iheartmwpp: That's what she said.

Tonks: These Muggles are, like, unnaturally clean, it's like there's some sort of perceived abnormality they have that they're trying desperately to hide that they act almost too perfectly in a vain attempt to compensate for this or something.

Mad-Eye: No one cares, just keep moving.

Tonks: After I trip over my own feet and nearly fall while silently lighting up my wand at the same time. That takes talent, I'll have you know.

Harry: …Who are you people and what are you doing in my house.

Mad-Eye: Okay, you know who I am, and we're basically here on a rescue mission to get you the fuck out of here.

Harry: Hmm. A crapload of people I've never met, plus a guy who, last time I saw him, was regenerating into the Tenth Doctor and attempting to murder and possibly rape me. I think I speak for the entire fucking audience when I say WHY THE HELL SHOULD I TRUST ANY OF YOU.

Tonks: We work for Dumbledore?

Harry: Nope, not doing it.

Mad-Eye: Fine, then! What will work for you?

Harry: I can haz werewolf?

Kingsley: Oh we're just as awesome as Remus, I assure you.

Harry: Yeah, but I don't know that now, do I? Moony's the only reason I came with any of you in the book, since he's the only one I actually knew and trusted!

Tonks: Come to think of it, why isn't the future father of my child in this scene? We know he's in the movie, did they not want to squeeze him in one more time or something?

Mad-Eye: I'm sure there's some idiotic ass-pull of a reason we don't know about, but right now the only half-assed excuse I can think of is that David Yates had only seen three of the four HP films, and after he got the job offer he then only read Books One and Two before skipping to Five. Plus he had no idea how big the Harry Potter fandom was, since apparently he was a hermit who lived in a cave during the decade before he directed this bitch.

David Yates: *when asked who his favorite character was on MuggleCast* I love…Lupin. I think Lupin's a really fun character.

iheartmwpp: …Then why wasn't he in this scene. Siriusly.

~Pretend the Trace doesn't exist for a minute, and the old rules about any magic detected in the vicinity of this Muggle neighborhood is blamed on Harry, like with Dobby as explained in Book Six, is still in place. If we're going with that explanation, why wasn't Harry blamed for all the magic Tonks and the others were doing as well?~

Mad-Eye: Apparently we helped you pack offscreen and sent your stuff ahead to wherever we're going. Or something.

Harry: It's nice of you to get me out of my relatives' house, but where are we going, will I ever see my friends again, and how, if ever, will I finish my magical education?

Mad-Eye: Oh shut up, you haven't actually been expelled yet.

Harry: …Well that would've been nice to know earlier, I was this close to opening my wrists, you know.

Tonks: Oh wow, we should Siriusly get you some professional help.

Mad-Eye: Eh, he'll be fine, don't worry about it. Kingsley, you take point.

Harry: Still, the letter said that—

Kingsley: Dumbledore to the offpage rescue again, he's made them give you a hearing first to determine whether or not you even should be expelled.

Harry: …I'm on trial for trying to save the souls of myself and my cousin, because why else would anyone perform a Patronus in the first place unless you were being attacked by either a dementor or a lethifold.

Kingsley: My bosses are dumb like that, yeah.

Tonks: Don't worry, Harry, we won't be explaining a Goddamn thing once we get back to Headquarters, because Dumbledore's a douchecanoe and we're mindless sheep who obey his every order without question.

Harry: I already heavily dislike all of you. Why isn't Remus here again?

Tonks: We've been through this, we don't know.

Mad-Eye: STFU, Nymphadora.

Tonks: *purple-ish hair turns red* CALL ME THAT ONE MORE TIME BITCHFACE, IMMA CASTRATE YOU WITH A RUSTY SPATULA.

Kingsley: She'll do it, I've seen her.

Random woman: I have darkish hair, and am not wearing a shawl, so I assume I'm Hestia Jones. YAY I LIVE EVIDENTLY!

Random man: My hat is almost dumber than the Wizengamot hats. Almost. Also I think I might be Sturgis Podmore, can't be Dedalus, he has a top hat or something.

Tonks: Back to my hair really quick, this is the only indication you'll really get that I can change my hair color at will. And no, I will most certainly not be using it to change my hair into the customary and far more well-known short, spiky, and bubblegum pink. Also it gives the weird indication that my hair changes color with my emotions, when it's really more like I'm unable to change at all when I'm depressed and that's, like, it, in canon. Those fanfics that make my hair turn red every time I get angry or embarrassed are really friggin' annoying.

Mad-Eye: *bangs his staff thing on the ground*

Brooms: WHEEEEEE!

Harry: …How did my Firebolt get outside.

Mad-Eye: All right, let's do this thing. And don't worry if anyone of us dies, just keep moving. And for Merlin's sake, keep this in mind two years from now.

Tonks: *eyeroll*

Mad-Eye: I saw that!

Harry and the Order…interesting band: *all take off offscreen, because there is nowaythat would've been exciting to see or anything*

Mrs. Figg: Sweet, they're gone. Now to loot through the Dursleys' trash again…

Harry and the Order…interesting band: We are flying and stuff yay-face.

Overhead shot of London: *is teh pretty*

Harry and the Order…interesting band: *all start to fly down near the river for some reason*

Harry: …Why are we flying downwards? Shouldn't we stay above the clouds so Muggles won't see a bunch of people on broomsticks casually flying by their various boats and bridges and things?

Mad-Eye: DON'T QUESTION ME, BITCH!

Harry: …I think I liked you better when you were evil.

Tonks: *flies up to Harry* Hiya, Harry!

Harry: Um…hi. Are you, uh, coming on to me or something, you seem to be attempting to flirt with me.

Tonks: It certainly seems that way, doesn't it? But don't worry, I assure you I'm not interested, I prefer older men.

Harry: Oh thank Merlin, I was afraid a bunch of adults would attempt to rape me again.

Tonks: I wouldn't entirely rule that out, to be honest. So anyway…you know Remus pretty well, right?

Harry: Professor Lupin? Oh yeah, he's crazy awesome.

Tonks: I know, right? So I was thinking if, I dunno, maybe you could put in a good word for me or something?

Harry: May I ask why?

Tonks: I want to get inside his pants.

Harry: *nearly falls off his broom* Wh-WHAT?

Tonks: Oh, right, forgot, innocent virgin ears. I mean I want us to get married, have a few kids—

Harry: Oh, I see.

Tonks: —and have lots of hot, steamy, sticky sex. I wonder if all the fanfiction about werewolves getting really horny around the full moon is true, 'cause if it is, that'd be so freaking hot… *drools*

Harry: …There's no way I'm hearing this.

Tonks: *slaps herself* Sorry, sorry, what I really meant was that at the moment in the video game where we're in the kitchen in Grimmauld Place together, I desperately wished there was an action command that could make us get horizontal, sod the rating.

Harry: Okay, does anyone have any brain bleach? I really didn't need to hear about my former professor in any of these situations! Except the married with kids bit, I think that'd be good for him.

Tonks: Exactly! So could you at least point that out to him for me?

Harry: I'll see what I can OMFG BOAT. Okay, there is no way no on that thing saw me, I nearly flew right through the window!

Mad-Eye: Blame the director. Or the new writer, whoever.

~Why isn't this track longer, this is epic.~

GARBAGE TRUCK!: *exists*

Mad-Eye: Now this would be the part where I give you a note in Dumbledore's handwriting, signifying that he's the only person who can actually say where headquarters is. However, since the Fidelius Charm was never fucking explained and never will be fucking explained, apparently any shmuck who knows where it is can just bang on the ground and it'll appear for them. I'm sure that will have absolutely no negative consequences whatsoever.

Harry: We're all going to die.

Houses: *start to move*

Muggle families: WE NOTICE NOTHING. OUR IGNORANCE IS TRULY OUTRAGEOUS. TRULY, TRULY, TRULY OUTRAGEOUS.

Harry: OH MY GOD I'VE NEVER IN MY ENTIRE EXISTENCE SEEN ANY SORT OF MAGIC AT WORK BEFORE! THIS IS AN HISTORICAL EVENT! *turns to the wizards behind him* ARE YOU GUYS SEEING THIS? ISN'T IT ABSOLUTELY AMAZING?

Fellow magical people: …Yeah, we are seeing it. Just like we've seen it and things like it every day for most of our lives. I get you grew up with Muggles, but you've been hanging out with us for four entire years now, get fucking used to it already, this is bordering on annoying as fuck.

Harry: *sniff* That hurted my feelingses! *cries*

Mad-Eye: Just get in and shut up.

Harry: *gets in and shuts up*

Sirius: Voldemort wants to kill Harry, and stuff, remember? Him making an attempt nearly every year should be proof enough of this, excuse me for wanting to strike at him before he kills off my baby godson!

Arthur: I think this is me saying this, considering Sirius doesn't particularly trust Dumbledore at this point in time. But my family usually does stand by the guy, so…yeah, let's just do what he says and stuff, especially when it comes to guarding That-Thing-That-Pretty-Much-Everyone-Already-Knew-Already-Since-When-Isn't-The-Main-Character-Of-A Fantasy-Series-The-Chosen-One.

Mad-Eye: Get outta my way. *shoves Harry face-first into a wall*

Harry: Ow.

Kinglsey: Walk it off. *pats him on the shoulder*

Tonks: Don't forget to talk to Remus for me! *winks*

Fanfiction writers: WE'RE GONNA SHIP TONKS/HARRY NOW BECAUSE OF THIS.

Natalia Tena: *talking about her time at school* You were put in dorms with all age groups, so you…you always had a dorm boss, who was like seventeen. And there was a really cool dorm boss of mine…really naughty and fun, and also a bit clumsy, actually, and like…that, that welcoming thing? You know, she's just, you know, she's always winking at Harry, and she's just, you know, having a bit of fun with him, like trying, as if he's her peer, completely. And uh, I just remembered that girl, that made me feel welcome, like when you got to school who showed you all the drinking spots, like helped you with boy problems, you're thirteen, she was seventeen, that was huge, you know.

Interviewer: So you sort of took on the, uh, the naughty godmother role.

Natalia Tena: Yeah. *broad smile*

Fanfiction writers: That's nice. We're gonna churn out a few thousand fics that ship you with Harry anyway, hope you don't mind, and if you do we really don't care anyway.

Tonks: You guys scare me. *trips over troll leg umbrella stand thing*

Rifftrax: Oh Tonks! Very little of substance has been established about your character. *laughs*

Sirius: You actually asked me what I thought, and I think that we need to fight back against them before we lose a crapload of people like we did last time!

Molly: WOULD YOU KEEP YOUR VOICES DOWN!

Sirius: I'm just sayin', is all—Oh hai Harry.

McGonagall: Apparently I'm here today. Coolio.

Harry: 'Ello, 'ello!

Sirius, Arthur, and Remus: *staaaare*

Harry: …Getting a bit awkward now…

Book readers: *glaring at Remus* There you are! Where were you earlier, why'd you stay here?

Remus: Well…

Sirius: I smell like duckies! I love duckies. They're squeezy and yellow and cute and…oh wait, that's not duckies, that's duct tape!

Book readers: …Ah.

Remus: Yeah…

Harry: YAY MUST GREET ONLY PERSON WHO ACTUALLY SHOWED THEY WANT ME—

Molly: Yeah how 'bout no. *closes door*

Harry: But…But godfather—

Molly: HUGGLES! *huggles Harry*

Harry: *struggling to breathe* G-Godfather—?

Molly: Nope! *still with the huggling*

Harry: …Former professor?

Molly: Maybe later. *finally lets him go*

Harry: *gasping for air*

Molly: You seem pretty well fed, actually, I don't know what happened to those book descriptions, but I'm afraid you'll have to starve a bit more until after the meeting's finished.

Harry: Fine, let's go back in—

Molly: Well of course you're not allowed in there, why would we ever allow a small little child like you? There is very important adult talk going in there right now.

Harry: …I very clearly just saw Snape's silhouette—that nose is unmistakable—in the same room as Sirius and Remus.

Molly: No time to explain, and I probably wouldn't anyway! Just get upstairs, first door on the left.

Harry: …Why, what's going on—

Molly: DON'T QUESTION ME.

Harry: All right, all right, I'm going! *stares at the décor* …Okay, now I'm terrified out of my mind…

Kreacher: Filthy Muggles, how dare they try to cut Kreacher from the film, what would Master Regulus say if he knew that most of his subplot never made it into the movies either…

Harry: Oh hey! Do you know Dobby, since I'm assuming all house-elves know each other? I was wondering where he'd gone off to these past two movies…Why are you fondling that knife like that?

Walburga: WHAT DO YOU MEAN I NEVER ACTUALLY GET A SCENE! THOSE MUGGLE SCUM WILL PAY FOR THIS WITH THEIR FILTHY, DISGUSTING, DIRTY, LICE-RIDDEN BLOOD!

Kreacher: There, there, mistress.

Walburga: WHERE, WHERE?

Kreacher: Kreacher is the only one who ever truly loved mistress…

Harry: …Imma inch away terrified now. *inches away terrified now* This the door Mrs. Weasley was talking about? *opens it and is immediately suffocated once more*

Hermione: GLOMPING. *glomps*

Harry: OH GOD WHY. Back the fuck off, there's only so much human contact I can take in one day!

Ron: *walks over, raising his eyebrows sullenly at Harry*

Hermione's eyebrows: *let Harry go finally* Are you all right?

Harry: Actually—

Hermione's eyebrows: What the fuck happened to your hair?

Ron: Seconded.

Harry: Well what happened to yours, Ron—

Hermione's eyebrows: We overheard them talking about the dementor attack!

Harry: AAARGH!

Hermione's eyebrows: You must tell us everything!

Ron: Well maybe he'd get a chance to if you ever shut up and let him answer, but since that's clearly—

Hermione's eyebrows: And this hearing at the Ministry!

Ron: …never going to happen…

Hermione: This is just completely unfair and outrageous! I've looked it up in some random book I'm shockingly not going to cite this time, they simply can't expel you. It's like they're going out of their way to make life difficult for you!

Harry: Wow, I wonder what it'd be like to have a difficult life…You two have already been together for like the entire summer, haven't you.

Ron: Pretty much, yeah.

Harry: Hermione, do you even remotely like your parents anymore?

Hermione: Of course I do, maybe, I just want to be involved in the war effort, even though I've probably outright lied to them and said that I just want to focus on my studies by remaining in a magical environment, they supposedly understand that.

Harry: And you're wearing practically matching striped shirts!

Ron and Hermione: *look at each other* Oh yeah, look at that.

Harry: Why do I never have anything good happen in my life, why. So, considering all the adults hate me, will you at least tell me what you know? For a change?

Ron: This place is headquarters.

Harry: …Of…?

Hermione: The Title of the Movie.

Harry: …Which is…?

Hermione: The Order of the Phoenix.

Harry: *thoroughly exasperated* Which is…?

Hermione: A secret society that really isn't all that secret considering every Death Eater and their mother will know what it's called and most of who's in it by at least the end of next year. Dumbledore founded it when they first fought The-Man-Who-Looks-Really-Weird-With-An-Actual-Nose-In-Interviews-And-Separate-Films-And-Other-Various-Potted-Plants. Now they're making due with the less than half of the people who managed to survive death or madness.

Harry: And you couldn't tell me any of this because…?

Ron and Hermione: Er…

Harry: I've gone all summer without anyone telling me what's going on, suffering from PTSD in a very unsupportive environment, and struggling not to kill myself or at least resort to cutting like half the fanfiction makes me do.

Ron: We wanted to actually give you some support, mate. Really, we did. Only—

Harry: Only what? Stopped caring, did you?

Hermione: No, of course not!

Harry: Funny way of showing it—

Hermione's eyebrows: Only Dumbledore made us swear not to give you even the slightest bit of information or even affection at all, ever.

Harry: As my list for not really liking the man grows ever longer…I mean, why would he want to keep me in the dark, considering I've been doing his job of keeping the school safe for him for, if not last year, than the three years before that? Does my track record prove that I'm somehow incapable of handling anything? This is just like with Sirius two years ago, only Voldemort really is after me, he really does want to kill not only me, but everyone I love, so shouldn't I know what he's up to so I'm able to protect myself? *blinks* Huh. It's actually quite remarkable how calm I seem to be taking all of this—

Fred and George: *Apparating in* OH GOD MY EARS THEY'RE BLEEDING STOP SHOUTING ALREADY.

Book readers: …That wasn't it, was it? Is that Siriusly all they're gonna give us this film? That wasn't anywhere near CAPS LOCK Harry! Damn it, he'd better smash stuff at the end of the film or there's gonna be hell to pay.

George: Anyway, if you're all done shouting—

Book readers: HE WASN'T SHOUTING. THIS IS SHOUTING. THAT WAS NOT SHOUTING.

Fred: Do you want to try overhearing specifically what they've been keeping from you?

Harry: Fuckin' A.

~Already and we're up to eleven. Hoo boy…~

Extendable ears: WE ACTUALLY LOOK LIKE EARS IT IS CLEVER.

Sirius: If anyone's got the right to know, it's Harry. If it weren't for him, we wouldn't even know that Voldemort was back! We owe him that much, at least!

Molly: I'm making my stand as someone who wants to keep all the children safe even until after they're legally adults! Something about, Iunno, not wanting them to die.

Sirius: I don't want them to die either, but a way we could prevent them or anyone else from dying is by telling then what the hell is going on, so they won't risk their lives trying to find out what we're not telling them like they end up doing every single year, and also so they might actually start trusting us to know what's best for them instead of resenting us for assuming we know what's best for them and always talking down to them and stuff! They're not children anymore, Molly, I doubt Harry ever has been!

Molly: Harry's not an adult, either! He's not James, Sirius!

Sirius: *coldly* I'm perfectly clear who he is, thanks, Molly.

Molly: In the book, maybe, but I know you'll end up thinking you've got your best friend back by the end of the movie!

Sirius: He's not your son, you can't tell him what to do.

Molly: He's as good as!

iheartmwpp: Aww, I loves you.

Harry: Hey, Ginny.

Ginny: Hi. I'm gaping openly at you. Please notice me.

Harry: Huh, a house appearing out of nowhere is awe-inspiring and can never be topped by anything except maybe someone cleaning a house, but an ear that's able to hear all on its own is practically mundane. Odd, that.

Ginny: PAY ATTENTION TO ME.

Harry: Who are you?

Ron, Fred, and George: *are actually still listening* …She trying to replace Percy with Harry or what?

Harry: Wait, what happened with Percy?

Ron, Fred, George, and Ginny: Don't worry about it, no one remembers him anyway.

Molly: Who else has he got.

iheartmwpp: …And now I hates you.

Sirius: …Um, hi?

Remus: Hi!

Hagrid: Hi!

Dumbledore: Hi!

Sirius, Remus, and Hagrid: Oh don't even pretend!

Dumbledore: *sniffs* But, but I really do care, I just—

Sirius: No. Go stand in the corner and think about what you've done.

Dumbledore: *whimpers* Okay. *goes into his emo corner where he starts cultivating mushrooms*

Remus: …Is he even at today's meeting?

Snape: All of you shut up, I need to make snide remarks in Black's general direction.

Remus: Oh great. This meeting's gonna take like seven hours now.

Snape: At least let me foreshadow that Potter will end up on the run from the law for something he didn't do, just like his godfather.

Crookshanks: Noms?

Harry: Wait, I thought Snape was evil?

Ron: If he's not, he's still an asshole.

Harry: True enough.

Sirius: Now listen here, Snivellus, you can make fun of me all you want, but leave Harry out of it, he's done nothing to you. I don't care about what Dumbledore said about your supposed reformation, I don't really trust the guy as much as I once did so I refuse to blindly take his word for it without proof.

Snape: Well then why don't you just ask him about it, or are you about to run off with your tail between your legs?

Crookshanks: I can haz ear?

Hermione: Crookshanks! What are you even doing in the movie, get out of here!

Snape: Also you're basically suffering from the stigma of anyone who is still living in their mother's house if they're over the age of thirty, regardless of whether you have anywhere else to go or not or even if you're mother's dead and just left you the place. Apparently that's not cool either.

Sirius: I've got an infinite number of fucking places to go, the problem is where you stay. You with me?

Remus: …That line sounds awfully familiar…

Crookshanks: OM NOM NOM.

Fred: Damn it, now we have to restock on our supply of human ears again.

George: Here's hoping we won't have to resort to using one of our own.

Fred: Control your pussy, woman!

Hermione: Bad Crookshanks!

Ron: LOL.

Rifftrax: Undoubtedly the negative influence of Trevor the toad.

~Whut? No, we weren't doin' nuthin'…~

Molly: So apparently that wasn't the kitchen we were just in, so everyone start to head downstairs now.

Fred and George: *Apparating* Hi, Mum.

Molly: JESUS CHRIST ON A CRUTCH! JUST BECAUSE YOU'RE ALLOWED TO USE MAGIC DOES NOT MEAN YOU HAVE TO WHIP YOUR WANDS OUT FOR EVERYTHING!

Ginny: Tee hee, it's funny because it can be considered a euphemism for pulling out your penis.

Molly: *glaring*

Ron: What did I do? *inches around her, terrified*

Molly: *suddenly smiling* You hungry, Harry?

Hermione: She really does show far more affection toward Harry than any of her own kids, no wonder they have so many issues…

Arthur: I love my horrifying wife. *hugs* You all right, Harry? You freaked us out a bit with your use of underage magic there.

Harry: …Right then, next time I'll just let the dementors suck out my soul and not bother trying to save myself.

Arthur: Atta boy, Harry!

Harry: …You people make no sense whatsoever.

Remus: All right, Sirius, don't tell anyone what you just told me, that is very illegal.

Harry: Sirius!

Sirius: I blew up someone's SUV just now!

Remus: Damn it, you're not even trying!

Harry: I can haz love and affection?

Sirius: Of course you can! HUGGLES! *huggles Harry*

Molly: Oh sure, it's fine if he's hugging you, but apparently when I do it I cut off your oxygen.

Harry: …But you do cut off my oxygen—OW MY BACK.

Sirius: *burying his face in Harry's shoulder* I missed you so much, little one… *squeezes even harder if possible*

Harry: …Help? *looks imploringly at Remus*

Remus: *already starting to leave* Sure, don't give me a hug. Fine. Whatever. *sniffs* It's not like I wanted one anyway!

Harry: …You seem a might pissy in these next three films, don't you.

Remus: No shit, asshole. I was so freaking awesome in the third book, and now I'm pretty much just shoved aside for the rest of the series!

Harry: To be fair, that happens to a lot of the more important characters in the films. Hell, even Ron gets that treatment! Besides, at least you get some page time in the books.

Remus: I'm still practically an afterthought! I mean, you talked about hoping I'd write to you in Book Six, though you really only hoped for that because Sirius was dead and therefore unable to write to you, but there was absolutely nothing stopping you from writing to me yourself! *sniff* It's because I'm a werewolf, isn't it?

Sirius: Oh don't even start.

Remus: Shut it, you! You have no idea what it's like!

Sirius: And here we go.

Harry: It's not because of that, though! I think it's really because I'm not as close to you as I am to Sirius.

Remus: Wha…not as close to you? You only met up with him a few times and exchanged letters with him! I had a whole flippin' year to get to know you!

Sirius: *singsong voice* Godfather statuuus!

Remus: …Damn you.

Harry: …Sirius? You can stop hugging me now.

Sirius: Don't wanna.

Harry: Sigh.

~THEY ARE NOW EATING DINNER. Hey, wow, so am I. TIMING!~

Crookshanks: Human ears are yummeh.

George: Stay away from me, you monster!

Arthur: The Ministry's actually written ahead and told us that you're to be tried in front of the entire Wizengamot. That's…oddly considerate of them…

Tonks: I have a pig snout!

Ginny: LMFAO.

Tonks: And now I have a duck bill!

Ginny: ROFLCOPTER.

Harry: So I actually never got exactly why the Ministry suddenly hates me, only that they apparently do randomly.

Remus: *rubbing his chin* Not too sure if I actually like the bearded look…

Harry: By the way, bad haircut, mate.

Remus: Hello, Pot, my name is Kettle. You're black. And hey, least it's not turning gray.

Harry: And I don't even have any hair to be all messy and shit. Hooray for continuing to go against character descriptions!

Sirius: Me and my little beard and moustache combo that was never mentioned in the books'll drink to that! *raises glass*

Mad-Eye: Getting back to the matter at hand—

Sirius: Why, what's the matter with your—

Remus: Finish that sentence and I'll pull your spleen out of your eye socket.

Mad-Eye: ANYWAY. We can totally tell him this much, he'll find out soon enough at any rate, and better it be from us and not from Finnegan.

Ron: I'm apparently putting away food or something.

Arthur and Sirius: Whoa.

Kingsley: Here you go. *hands Harry the Prophet*

Ron: And now I'm over here again. Can I Apparate already too, what gives?

Arthur and Sirius: Whoa.

Daily Prophet: Harry Potter is a lying liar who lies, while Fudge totally quotes the last line of the series ten days before it actually ends.

Sirius: He's been attacking Dumbledore as well, if it makes you feel any better.

Harry: It doesn't.

Remus: My body language and the camera's focus on me makes it look like I'm talking.

Sirius: Except he's not, it's totally me!

Harry: WHAT IS THIS MAGIC.

Sirius: But yeah, Fudge is using all his sadly large amount of power to censor the paper that was little more than a tabloid magazine in the first place to smear anyone who tries to tell the truth about Voldemort's return, so that no one will believe you or Dumbledore when you say he's back. Aaaand that's pretty much the plot. Have fun with that.

Harry: …Why? Does he not believe us or something?

Remus: That, and Fudge thinks that Dumbledore's after his job.

Harry: …But didn't Dumbledore deny himself the position several times already?

Remus: Yep, Fudge has gone a bit off the deep end with his paranoia, it's kind of sad. Thing is, the last time Voldemort was in power, he killed almost everyone we know and love.

Sirius: …Why are there orange slices in the bottoms of our glasses?

Arthur: We're drinking beer or something, that's just how it looks through the glass.

Sirius: I KNOW WHAT I SAW.

Remus: …Anyway, Fudge doesn't really want to face the possibility that half the characters could wind up dead again, so he's going to do what any college student with a shitload of homework and no time would do with quite a bit of their workload: Ignore the problem and hope it goes away.

Harry: That sounds totally asinine.

Remus: It totally is.

Sirius: We believe that Voldemort's trying to build up his army again, because he can't exactly go killing and torturing people out in the open anymore so it's really the only thing he can be doing at this point in time, really. He had a fuckton of followers last time around, not just witches and wizards, but he'll have…snakes! And goblins and werewolves, a fleet of dementors, and giants and thestrals and all his Death Eaters. We've been attempting to recruit similar numbers, and forces minus the dementors and Death Eaters because we're prejudiced like that…but gathering followers isn't the only thing Voldemort's interested in. Which is also the main part of the plot, a part that anyone could've guessed at, to be honest.

Mad-Eye: Only we're not going to tell them about any of that.

Molly: I'M CHOPPING UP LETTUCE. IT IS VERY IMPORTANT. PLEASE KEEP FLASHING OVER TO ME SO WE CAN EMPHASIZE THIS.

Sirius: Fine, fine. So in conclusion, shit be wack, yo.

Harry: …

Sirius: Damn it, I can't resist those eyes coming out of that face!

Remus: …You just made it sound like they're falling out of his head.

iheartmwpp: Shut up, I'm on like page nineteen and I'm tired.

Remus: You could've split it up—

iheartmwpp: NO I COULDN'T! *eye twitch*

Sirius: …Kay…So yeah, we think Voldemort's after something other than followers as well.

Mad-Eye: STFU.

Harry: Uh-huh…

Sirius: Something he didn't have last time, although it's totally obvious and he's been operating on that assumption anyway.

Harry: So is it like a kickass weapon, or—

Molly: I AM SO DISPLEASED THAT I HAVE CEASED CHOPPING THE LETTUCE.

Her kids: Ohhhh snap!

Molly: He's just a boy!

Sirius: Oh not this shit again. Look, Molly, what were we just talking about?

Molly: I just want to keep him safe! Why is that so wrong?

Harry: Feeling safe is one of the many luxuries of which I cannot afford.

Molly: You may as well indict him into the Order straight away!

Sirius: MOLLY THAT'S DISGUSTING!

Molly: You don't know what indicting means, do you.

Sirius: Not a clue!

Harry: Well I'm all for it, where do I sign up?

Sirius: Awesome sauce!

Harry: …Really? You'll let me join? Sweet.

Sirius: WINK.

~And so he was indicted into the Order offscreen. Except he totally wasn't, but that's kind of what was implied there.~

Review or Crookshanks will eat all of your ears.


	3. Teh JKR REALLY HATES GOVERNMENTS, HUH

Disclaimer: I do not own anything from the film/book Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, any other movie, book, or game in the series, A Very Potter Musical/Sequel, Get Smart, Doctor Who, Yu-Gi-Oh! The Abridged Series, Lupin III: The Abridged Series, Code MENT, Pinky and the Brain, Dragonball Z Abridged, The Hunchback of Notre Dame, Monty Python's Life of Brian, Scooby Doo, Angel Cop, South Park, or Rifftrax.

~MERLIN'S SWEET POTATOES THAT'S THE MOST FEROCIOUS ROARING I'VE EVER HEARD IN MY LIFE—Oh, it's just Ron. Sorry, my bad.~

Ron: …Did we ever establish whether or not I snored?

Harry: I'm having a nightmare again, what a surprise! Though this seems to be less Cedric and Voldemort, more OH GOD I VERY WELL MIGHT LOSE THE ONLY THING THAT MAKES MY LIFE WORTH LIVING TOMORROW.

~He never did beg Sirius if he could live with him again in this version.~

Arthur: Me not understanding how elevators work is hilarious! Also I think I'm a decent enough actor to have done this without the purposely trying to be funny music in the background, but maybe that's just me.

iheartmwpp: …Living in a rural area and having never taken the subway in my life, plus I'm sure they do it differently in the UK anyway, I'd…probably be doing exactly what Arthur is right about now.

~…These are a lot of cuts right here…~

BIKE!: *exists*

Arthur: I'VE NEVER SEEN A BIKE BEFORE.

Harry: Oh come on, you're constantly going through Muggle London to get to King's Cross and stuff before, a bike should not be that alien to you!

Arthur: I…don't really know what I'm doing. I mean, I've never used the visitor's entrance before, and at a time when if we're late it could be extremely detrimental to whether or not you're allowed to still go to school might not have been the best time to experiment.

Harry: …Why didn't we just Apparate then?

Arthur: Don't be silly, my boy, Side-Along Apparition won't be invented until the next book!

Harry: …Then why not Floo Powder, that's already been previously established, hasn't it?

Arthur: Yes, but you see, Harry, now you know how to get into the Ministry so that, should a trap ever be laid where you or any other underage students have few to no trustworthy authority figures to turn to in your time of need, you'll know what to do!

Harry: Please, like that would ever happen.

Harry and Arthur: *walk into a building, go down some stairs, go through a blue door, walk forward through a set of green doors that open for them, a set of blue doors that do the same thing, one tan and brown door that lifts up for them, and one more set of striped blue doors that slide across as they approach, all while the Get Smart opening plays in the background*

Harry: …Okay…

Arthur: *motions Harry into the telephone box that is red and not blue, which is sad. I miss the continuous Doctor Who references already* Apparently you need Muggle money to use the visitor's entrance. That blows, it just makes everything five times more complicated than it needs to be.

Harry: Yep, we're about to see some government officials, all right.

Telephone box that is in no way related to Sexy: *descends, acting more like a normal lift than anything remotely magical and/or whimsical*

Harry: Whoa, people are actually wearing cloaks! Considering it's been a while since I've seen anything like that, this truly is something for me to marvel at!

First look at Ministry of Magic: *has the book readers wondering where the peacock blue ceiling with the golden symbols floating across it as well as the wooden floor and walls went off to, and why there is instead a creepy and depressing black and green mausoleum that looks like the Chamber of Secrets can easily be found in the lower levels*

Random people: Floo Powder does in fact still exist! Just in case anyone cares or wants to use or mention it ever again!

Warwick Davis: I'm playing another random goblin. I'm sure everyone is surprised.

Random wizard: I haz an owl!

Random newspaper advertiser person: Daily Prophet! Extra, extra, read all about it! Look how we're trying to sway you into thinking that Dumbledore is either daft or dangerous with no room for a third option! Truly we're masters of manipulating the general population's train of thought!

Fountain: *still exists…if split up a bit*

Shitload of Interdepartmental Memos: *whizz by*

iheartmwpp: Why did the DVD menu have to take place here? Why not the Room of Requirement or something?

Huge-ass poster of Fudge: I'm totally judging all of you right now. BOW TO ME, MY MIND SLAVES!

Harry: I'm vaguely terrified now.

Arthur: Oh look, another lift! Isn't this exciting?

Harry: …Looks like pretty much every other government facility ever, only with more birds and fire and stuff.

Bob: Morning, Arthur.

Arthur: Morning, random Ministry coworker who we'll never see again so here's hoping you survive the war.

Box Bob is holding: *bursts into flames*

Harry: See, what'd I tell you.

Interdepartmental Memos: *EXIST*

Arthur: I'm gonna waste valuable time and ramble on about the Interdepartmental Memos that will have no bearing on the plot whatsoever and will never be brought up again. Really, it's eight seconds that could've been better spent squeezing your mother into Snape's Worst Memory. Which, considering how short that whole thing was, might actually be all they needed.

iheartmwpp: No, I'm not going to do another Time All The Pointless Scenes game thing for the whole movie, it'll only pop up occasionally for the really worthless crap like this.

Kingsley: 'Scuse me, pardon me, coming through. *whispers loudly and obviously in Arthur's ear. Way to be subtle, guys!*

Arthur: Merlin's overrated piano solo. Thank you, Kingsley. *turns to Harry while a white-haired guy next to them openly glares at them* They've changed the time of your hearing.

Harry: Oh shit, when is it?

Arthur: Thankfully just in five minutes, unlike the five minutes ago from the book. So we've still got time even if we're cutting it incredibly close.

Rifftrax: Fortunately, we can teleport, so there's no danger of ever arriving any place late ever. Now shut up and ride your elevator.

Harry: OMFG THIS LIFT GOES BACKWARDS TRULY THIS IS THE WORK OF MAGIC.

~How do magical lifts work, anyway? And don't just say magic, that's cheating…Where'd everyone go?~

Lift voice thing: Department of Mysteries. With open bar.

Arthur: Are you shitting me?

Kingsley: Unfortunately not.

Elevator dude: I hate this Goddamn job.

Arthur: Wait, do you hear muttering?

Lucius: Are you pondering what I'm pondering?

Fudge: I think so, Brain, but this time you wear the tutu. Burlap chafes me so. And I can't memorize a whole opera in Yiddish! Besides, what if the chicken won't wear the nylons? CAN THE GUMMI BEARS REALLY LIVE IN PEACE WITH THE MARSHMALLOW CHICKS?!

Lucius: *starts having blood gush out of his nose and ears*

Fudge: You okay, Lucius?

Lucius: Yes, just…just an aneurism out of sheer stupidity.

Fudge: Wow. Didn't think you were that stupid, Lucius.

Lucius: AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!

Harry: I almost pity him except I don't and he should just stop and save us both a shitload of grief.

Arthur: This just proves that He-Who-Likes-To-Torture-Even-His-Closest-Servants-For-Shits-And-Giggles likes to torture even his closest servants for shits and giggles.

Harry: …You sure you're not head of the Department of Redundancy Department?

Arthur: Whatever do you mean?

Harry: Never mind…Wait, are we really gonna stick with those dumbass hats? DOES THIS SERIES HAVE NO SHAME?

Lucius and Fudge: WE ARE ABOVE YOU.

Arthur: That's nice. *walks around the corner with Harry* Okay, now for some last minute advice, and considering one of the main members of the Wizengamot is still outside flirting with Malfoy I'm assuming you have time. Don't panic, just remember that if you fuck this up or say anything wrong, you'll never be able to return to Hogwarts again. No pressure or anything!

Harry: …Mr. Weasley, do you know any spells that could clean up my trousers really quick—

Arthur: "Break a leg!" Oh how I love these delightful Muggle phrases!

Harry: Well you're massively unhelpful.

Arthur: Though you really shouldn't worry anyway, seeing as you've done nothing wrong and the law should be on your side.

Harry: That's better.

Rifftrax: May not apply to minorities or the poor.

Harry: Come on, let's just go—

Arthur: Okay, have fun!

Harry: …Aren't you—

Arthur: Nope!

Harry: Sigh.

~Aww, no chains on the arms of the chair or anything. I haz a sad face.~

Fudge: Blah blah blah legal stuff blah Harry James Potter blah—

Harry: Hold up, I have a middle name? Why didn't anyone ever tell me?

Fudge: *bursts into song* We like to get the trial over with quickly/Because it's the sentence that's really the fun!

Harry: …Okay…

Fudge: Anyway, blah blah I'm in charge here blah—

Dumbledore: Yo! And because I'm sure so many people are keen to know my full name, it is Albus Percival—

Majority of the Weasley kids: Whoa, bad luck, mate.

Dumbledore: —Wulfric—

Harry: Okay, now it's just getting sad.

Dumbledore: —Brian…Dumbledore.

Fudge: Bwian, eh?

Dumbledore: No no, Brian.

Harry: Sweet, I am so going back to witches and wizards and magical beasts, to goblins and ghosts and to magical feasts! It's all that I love and it's all that I need at Hogwarts, Hogwarts, I think I'm going back!

Wizengamot: WE ARE MURMURING.

Fudge: …Do you ever change your clothes?

Dumbledore: NOPE! Also here's a book quote for you, said in such a bored tone it looks like I'd rather be doing almost anything else right about now. So let's just get this over with, I got shit to do.

Fudge: Okay, so the kid knew he wasn't supposed to use magic while he was underage and when he was in front of a Muggle, yet he produced a Patronus Charm anyway. Do you deny doing such a thing?

Harry: No, but—

Fudge: I am reiterating the fact that you are under the age of seventeen because I'm sure you couldn't have figured that out for yourself.

Harry: …That's nice of you, but—

Fudge: Witches and wizards of the Wizenagmot—

Harry: It's Wizengamot, sir, and I was only doing it because of the dememtors!

Umbridge: What the spell is going on here?

Wizengamot: WE ARE NOW MUTTERING.

Amelia Bones: Holy shit, I'm actually in the movie! I mean…Dementors? In Little Whinging?

Harry: Yeah, and they got a completely new design, what's up with that?

Bones: Iunno.

Fudge: Well isn't that convenient.

Harry: …What is?

Fudge: Muggles can't see dementors, can they, boy?

Harry: They can't? I didn't know that. And hell, even if they can't, Dudley could still describe the effects and how he witnessed me getting attacked my one of them before I told him to run and stuff, eyes aren't the only senses people have, you know. But yeah, there were two of them, and if I hadn't—

Fudge: STFU, I'm convinced you're making the whole thing up—

Bones: I glare suspiciously at you, which would normally signify that I would eventually have a greater role but in this case is a total red herring since I'm never seen again and die off-page.

Fudge: —and obviously I'm so prejudiced against Muggles that I wouldn't bother with a Muggle witness anyway, so as far as I'm concerned this is basically done with—

Dumbledore: What about Squib witnesses, since we're lying and saying that Squibs can see dementors and crap?

Fudge: …Well fuck me, then.

Dumbledore: No thanks, I've got a headache.

~Apparently Squibs can Apparate, though, how else would Arabella have gotten there so fast?~

Bones: Would you hurry up with your testimony already?

Mrs. Figg: *stifling a snort* I'm sorry, I just can't get over how stupid those hats are.

Bones: Just tell us what they looked like.

Umbridge: I am disapprove.

Mrs. Figg: Well, one was quite large and the other had this atrocious haircut—

Fudge: The dementors, you stupid, worthless creature!

Mrs. Figg: Oh…shit, Dumbledore didn't coach me on this…Big and cloaked. Yeah. Also everything went cold and I immediately wanted to kill myself.

Harry: Oh for the love of—DUDLEY COULD HAVE DONE THAT.

Fudge: Okay, look, your story might have some merit, but I just refuse to believe that a couple of magical creatures under our control would randomly get loose and just happen to come across the only magical person living there.

Dumbledore: I agree.

Fudge: …You do?

Dumbledore: Yep.

Umbridge: Hem hem.

Harry: …Why do I have the sudden desire to beat that woman's brains out with a wrench?

Umbridge: Wow, it's almost as if he's accusing one of us as the one who sent the dementors after Potter. And, of course, by my saying this, anyone who bothers to apply basic Scooby Doo logic on me knows instantly that I'm the one who done it.

Dumbledore: Yeah, I probably knew from the moment you said that that it was you. Should've gotten Kingsley to try looking into it, but I'm not that smart. Although I'm sure all of you lovely people are and would have no problem sorting this out for us. Unless of course you acknowledge that there very well might be another culprit outside of the Ministry who I insist on suggesting even if it wasn't him just so you'll realize he's returned.

Rifftrax: Dobby. Find him and kill him.

Fudge: What the fuck you on about?

Dumbledore: *steps forward* Cornelius, I am begging you to realize that the Dark Lord has returned, this book just brings the plot to a massive standstill, it's just one huge-ass book about politics, no kid wants to read that! They didn't wait three years just for you to be a total douche nozzle!

Harry: …Oh my God, only Death Eaters refer to Voldemort as the Dark Lord! OMFG DUMBLEDORE'S EVIL WHAT THE FUCK WHAT'S GOING ON WHY IS MY HAIR SO BLOODY SHORT.

Fudge: I still don't believe he's back.

Dumbledore: …You're full of shit. *starts pacing* In the case that we should probably be focusing on right now, there still remains the fact that underage wizards can use magic in life-threatening circumstances.

Fudge: Laws can be changed if necessary, Dumbledore.

Dumbledore: You know, the argument I should've come up with at this point would be that you were willing to endanger other children just to continue to alienate this one child right here. What if an underage wizard was suddenly forbidden from using underage magic under any circumstances and then suddenly found themselves faced by an armed robber, or an abusive family member who was about to take it too far, or Merlin knows what else, and there were no adult wizards around to protect them? The parents certainly wouldn't be very fond of you then, now would they? But who cares about them, we all know I only care about Harry anyway, so instead I'll bitch about you lot resorting to a full criminal trial for a simple matter of underage magic. Which, admittedly, is also extremely stupid.

Wizengamot: Our body language indicates that we are VERY UNCOMFORTABLE.

Fudge: I'm not! I just want to see justice done!

Dumbledore: If this is justice, then I'm a banana! *motions for them to GET ON WITH IT*

Bones: Those in favor of conviction?

Fudge: I am!

Umbridge: I am!

Bones: Those in favor of forgetting this whole thing ever happened and acknowledging that this was a complete waste of time?

Everyone else: I am!

Mrs. Figg: I…forgot I'm not allowed to vote, sorry, just wanted to show my opinion and show that I have some modicum of faith in the poor boy to apologize for treating him like shit for fourteen years.

Harry: …That was awfully nice of you, I think I'm actually starting to forgive you.

Fudge: …Sigh, fine, he's cleared of all charges, you can all leave now.

Harry: Sweet.

Wizengamot: Oh thank Merlin, now let's get out of these stupid-ass hats.

Dumbledore: Screw you guys, I'm going home.

Mrs. Figg: …How am I gonna get home? I think my ride just left…

Harry: Professor, wait up! I want to…thank…you…Huh. That's odd. Hopefully the entire year won't be like this, that'd be annoying…Aaaaand I just noticed that the courtroom is on fire behind me.

~Been meaning to call attention to that for that whole scene, just couldn't really fit it in anywhere.~

Review or you'll be forced to try and have an intelligent conversation with FUDGE.


	4. Teh THWACKLE PURNS

Disclaimer: I do not own anything from the film/book Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, any other movie, book, or game in the series, A Very Potter Sequel, Linkara, The Producers, Dragonball Z Abridged, Yu-Gi-Oh! Abridged, the Monsters Inc. outtakes, Me and My Dick, Code MENT, Spoony's Let's Play of Phantasmagoria 2, Monty Python and the Holy Grail, None Piece, Berserk Abridged, Spoony's review of Final Fantasy X, South Park, Studio Sixty on the Sunset Strip, Doctor Who, The Hinger Games, Twilight, Yu-Gi-Oh! The Abridged Series, or Rifftrax.

~Okay, grumpy old-ish man with a walking stick? That's perfectly normal, you can see that almost everywhere you go. Weird-ass moving eyeball? Not so much.~

Sirius: I's a kitty!

Tonks: I think I'm the most normal-looking person here.

Arthur: …Why am I pushing Harry's trunk thing for him?

Harry: For that matter, why am I letting him…Padfoot? I thought you looked like some evil demon dog thing from the depths of hell itself, when did you become a deerhound?

Sirius: Iunno.

Mad-Eye: Damn it, Padfoot!

Harry: Oi, the Death Eaters know that name, Wormtail would've told them!

Mad-Eye: Are you barking mad?

Tonks: *facepalm* Bad, new screen writer, very bad, am I gonna have to rub your nose in that?

Mad-Eye: You'll blow the entire operation!

Sirius: Says the guy who's attracting the most attention by saying stupid stuff and not even bothering to disguise myself, at least I made the attempt! *goes down stairs and into random waiting room thing, where people can clearly see his silhouette through the glass as he transforms* I AM A MAYUN! *punches glass for no reason, making a clearly visible hole in the door*

Harry: Boy, sure hope no one saw that. *goes in room after him* Sirius, what are you doing here?

Sirius: …I've been with you guys for the entire trip here. Way to not pay attention.

Harry: Yeah, but was transforming in a side room where people can still quite clearly see you, even more so now that you've blatantly destroyed public property and thereby drawing heaps of attention to yourself, entirely nece—

Sirius: Yes it was nessa. Extremely nessa.

Harry: …Okay…

Sirius: Besides, I had to see you off, didn't I? Especially since Moony didn't bother to show up again, which is really getting annoying now.

Harry: He go off to try and get some werewolves to join our side a year early or something?

Sirius: I'm pretty sure he was always doing that since Voldemort came back. I think other than that he just avoids Tonks and tries to keep me from drinking too much.

Harry: And fails on both counts?

Sirius: Pretty much, yeah. And at least one of those things wouldn't need to happen if Dumbledore just let me out of the house, at least under an Invisibility Cloak on occasion, what would be the harm in that?

Harry: That bit of character motivation seems to be downplayed/ignored entirely in this version.

Sirius: Indeed, I seem a lot softer in tone and less rough around the edges than canon. Not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing.

Harry: My money's on bad thing.

Sirius: Probably. Oh, right, could you come over here for a moment?

Harry: …Are you wearing anything under that robe thing? Especially since for some reason the camera stays focused on me even when you're talking, creating the illusion that you're not yet decent until you pull the dressing gown tighter around yourself?

Sirius: I…don't really know. Anyway, I wanna show you something, come closer.

Harry: I…I need an adult?

Sirius: I am an adult.

Tonks: *is standing guard while Mad-Eye deflects questions from local Muggle authorities* You guys might want to get a move on, we've only got a few minutes before the train leaves.

Sirius: What's life without a little risk?

Harry: Considerably longer?

Sirius: *haughty sniff* James would've went along with it.

Harry: Hoo boy, here we go. Look, asshole, excuse me if I want the closest thing I have to a family—

Weasleys, Hermione, Remus, Hagrid, etc.: OI!

Harry: *notices nothing* —to actually stick around by way of not going to prison or being Kissed.

Sirius: You're no fun. So I wanted you to have this. *hands Harry a piece of paper*

Rifftrax: It's an expired coupon for a free bikini wax. Means the world to me.

Harry: "'Harder, Moony, harder,' Sirius begged, moaning and struggling to free himself from the handcuffs as—"

Sirius: *hurriedly snatches the paper back* Sorry, sorry, that was…Tonks's, yeah, she dropped it, I've been meaning to give it back—

Tonks: Oi, that's not mine! Also it's kind of your last chance to get on board already, you guys might want to get a move on. *pause* I'd like to have a look at that when we get back, though…

Sirius: Here we go. *hands Harry photograph* Original Order of the Phoenix.

Harry: Huh, Remus had longer hair then…and other than that, all of you look pretty much the same.

Sirius: Shut up. *points* That one's Marlene McKinnon, who nearly everyone pairs me up with in fanfiction despite not knowing if she was in our year or not and the fact that JKR went on record saying that I never bothered with a girlfriend.

Harry: Furthering the suspicions that you were gay?

Sirius: That's right. She died two weeks after this was taken. Voldemort wiped out her entire family. I'm going to assume she was Muggle-born.

Harry: …If you're trying to cheer me up about having to say good-bye to you, you're kind of rubbish at it.

Sirius: *cheerfully* Oh, look, there's Frank and Alice Longbottom!

Harry: PLEASE TELL ME THEY CUT THAT SCENE, I DON'T THINK I COULD TAKE ACTUALLY SEEING THAT LEVEL OF HEARTBREAK.

Sirius: They have, don't worry.

Harry: OH THANK MERLIN.

Sirius: By the way, I'm still suffering severe amounts of depression over the loss of your father. This combined with spending an extremely long amount of time with nothing to do but reflect on how badly I fucked up—

Harry: You did not fuck up—

Sirius: —added to the fact that I now have access to a decent amount of firewhiskey makes for a truly joyous time. And yet this portrayal of me makes me actually seem quite well-adjusted. There's a bit of an issue with that, I think.

Book readers: …Why is Sirius dressed in a nice shirt and waistcoat in this photograph? Completely ignoring the fact that all of these actors are pretty much twenty years older than they should be if not more, these are the days that Sirius, and James for that matter, were going about in T-shirts with pictures of phoenixes on them, riding around on a flying motorbike. Exactly what part of Gary Oldman in that picture there screams the sexy biker rebel type of which the fangirls are so fond?

Tonks: Siriusly, guys, the train is starting to move.

Harry: Do you really think there's going to be a war, Sirius?

Sirius: …Dude, it's pretty much already started. The same kind of shit is happening too, proving that history repeats itself and we consistently learn nothing from it. Or at least the people in government never do.

Harry: Mm. Here, take back your depressing photo.

Sirius: Oh no, please, keep it. A gift.

Harry: …Thanks…?

Sirius: Anyway, I suppose you're the young ones now.

Harry: …There is nothing young about any of you in this picture.

Tonks: Train's gone.

Sirius: Wait, we're not even on Platform Nine and Three Quarters, how would you even know?

Tonks: Because shut up.

~Having missed the train, Harry spent the rest of the year at Grimmauld Place, being homeschooled by Sirius and whichever Order member happened to stop by that day. Which actually sounds kind of awesome.~

Harry: The train didn't leave yet! Yaaaaay, I still have time to go back to Hogwarts, where we'll be able to play Quidditch, and see Hagrid routinely, and hang out with all my non-trio buddies, and exchange letters with Sirius on a daily basis, and maybe we could sneak a few Floo chats in and stuff, and hopefully have another decent Defense professor…

JKR: LOLOLOL.

Random mother and daughter: Let's hold hands, part ways to walk around this random person that everyone thinks is unhinged, and then join up again!

Harry: …

Voldemort: Ain't it weird how no one notices me?

Harry: That is odd. Yo, people, y'all might want to start panicking right about nowz…No? Okay then…

Voldemort: Hey, I look good in a suit!

Harry: You seem to have a crick in your neck.

Voldemort: Little bit, the new body isn't entirely perfect, still working out the kinks.

Harry: Apparently that whole thing was just a dream. A rather pointless one that I'm not sure was needed at all or contributed anything of value to the plot. And apparently my scar doesn't hurt this time, which is a relief, don't want Hermione nagging at me to do the obvious again…aaaaaand apparently having a crick in my neck signifies that I'm a Horcrux.

iheartmwpp: … *rubs the neck that's been bothering her for three years worriedly*

Hermione: I look intensely uncomfortable…Did we not make prefect or something?

Ron: Second shortest length, remember? We got to cut out as much extra crap as we can.

Hermione: Oh poopie…Why are we all sitting on the same side of the compartment? It's not like there's anyone else with us…OR IS THERE.

Ron: Nope.

~Five million shots of the Hogwarts Express and the Black Lake later...~

Random student #123: I READ THE DAILY PROPHET AND THUS DON'T BELIEVE HARRY'S TELLING THE TRUTH…Hang on, is this really the only thing happening in the Wizarding World right now? We've been hearing about it all summer, is it still front-page material? You'd think we'd get bored of the same thing over and over again, that's why they basically stopped talking about the various wars in the Middle East, those who weren't involved were sick of hearing about it! Hell, the earthquake/tsunami is already considered old news, despite the fact that there is no way that Japan will possibly recover for several decades! How the crap is the Prophet still in business if it just continuously prints the same shit?

Malfoy: Hey look, it's the orphan, the pauper, and the Mudblood. Which is basically all I ever use as insults for these three.

Ron: Oh, it's you idiots. What do you want?

Malfoy: You're the idiot! *gigglesnort* I am so good at comebacks.

Hermione: Why. Just…why.

Malfoy: Surprised that the Ministry didn't lock him away in Azkaban yet. We don't want him going all insane and murdering us randomly.

Harry: I'M NOT CRAZY! I'LL KILL ANYONE WHO SAYS I AM!

Ron and Malfoy: …W. T. Fuck.

Malfoy: …Yeah, I'm outta here before the crazy guy murders me—

Harry: YOUR FATHER HELPED TORTURE ME IN THE GRAVEYARD, HE'S NOT HERE RIGHT NOW, SO I'M VENTING ON YOU. DEAL WITH IT.

Ron: Quit acting like Snape, mate, more and more people are thinking you're his kid because of Film Eight, don't encourage them any more than the filmmakers' mistakes already have.

Harry: …You can quit holding me now.

Cho: Oh hey, remember me? I'm the love interest?

Harry: Aren't we supposed to have already changed into robes by now, when did that stop?

Hermione: Last year, I think.

Ron: This is getting quite annoying now. What, do we actually go up to the dorms, change quickly, and come back down or something? Is there a special classroom we use, what gives?

Neville: Hi, guys.

Ecstatic Trio of Happyfairies: OMFG NEVILLE! How've you been, how was your summer, it's so good to see you, we missed you so much! *huggles*

Neville: There seems to be an obscene amount of hugging going on in this movie.

Thestral: Yo.

Harry: Ack, something breathed on the back of my neck and conveniently no one else's…what the fuck is that thing.

Hermione: What thing?

Thestral: I hate it when people ignore me, what the hell did I ever do to them?

Harry: That thing, pulling the carriage.

Hermione: …Nothing's there, Harry. It's pulling itself, like always.

Movie watchers: …What do you mean by that? This is the first time we've seen these!

Book readers: And in the film versions, Harry should've started seeing the thestrals a hell of a lot sooner, considering he murdered Quirrel and watched him crumble into dust. So he should've seen these from Film Three and up.

Neville: I also appear to be confuzzled.

Book readers: Wait, shouldn't Neville be able to see them too? And can't they feel or hear them breathing in any case? Why doesn't Harry just grab Ron or Hermione's hand and put it in the thestral's side, that'll convince them that there's something there. Hell, it's a wonder that no one knocks into the thestrals by accident and freaks out. What, do they just give the area a wide berth for no reason or something?

Luna: I am made of awesome and you will quote everything I say. *and there was much rejoicing*

Book readers: Odd how she was never mentioned until this moment. Or is the trio too absorbed in their own saving people things that they don't pay attention to even Ron's sister's friends?

Luna: Anyway, I see them too, and if you had bothered giving the description of the anorexic horses to Hermione she could probably have told you what they were. I promise, you're not going mad and you're not having random hallucinations. I see them too. You're just as sane as I am.

Harry: …You're holding a magazine upside down and give off the general aura of a complete airhead. While the entire fanbase loves you dearly, if they met someone like you in real life they would probably be very put off.

Luna: Ah, but you see, I'm of a very rare breed in that I truly do not give a shit about what other people think of me, so, and I mean this from the bottom of my heart, they can all fuck themselves.

iheartmwpp: I want so much to be like her, but I'm afraid that I still care too much about what other people think. Still, I have the greatest admiration for people like her, and I'll probably continue to at least start not giving a shit. Who knows, maybe one day I'll actually get it right.

Ron: I'm not used to her yet, why do I have to sit next to her?

Hermione's eyebrows: Apparently I actually know that this is Loony Love…

Luna: Hm?

Hermione: …Luna Lovegood.

Book readers: Okay, Hermione didn't know Luna. What, just because she's also a girl means that she has to know all the other girls in school?

Ron: You guys are showing up an awful lot in this chapter.

Hermione: I'm taking a notice in other girls' jewelry. That is probably very OOC.

Luna: It's a charm, actually. *leans in to impart the wisdom of the forefathers to them* Keeps away the nargles.

Neville: Me and my plant are attempting to lean back and away from you. Odd that we're gonna have a summer fling after Film Eight.

Luna: You know, Hermione, since we do apparently know each other, I think you should know that eating a healthy helping of spaghetti at least twice a week will get rid of the thwackle purns for you.

Hermione: Th-Thwackle purns? What are they supposed to be?

Luna: They cause one's eyebrows to go completely out of control every time that person opens their mouth, and even sometimes when they don't.

Harry and Ron: *gigglesnort*

Hermione's eyebrows: I beg your pardon?

Luna: If you start now, you'll be able to get rid of yours almost entirely in about two years, I expect, though I'm afraid that this treatment will be entirely useless in a case like Doug Walker's.

Hermione's eyebrows: *scoff and cross their arms, facing the other direction resolutely*

Carriage: I AM MOVING.

Thestral: Why can no one see me anymore? Poopie.

Ron: …What's a nargle?

Hermione: …I don't actually think it's ever explained.

~I too have a charm to keep away the nargles despite not knowing what they are. Not too sure I want to find out, either…~

Luna: YAY pudding.

Filch: Meow.

Seamus: I didn't know the tables were long enough to accommodate a sizeable gap between people you don't like. Weird. Oh and this means I'm pissed at Harry now.

Harry: Oh great.

Dumbledore: Everyone SHUT UP! Thank you, now then, please pay no attention to the fact that Hagrid is nowhere to be found while you applaud his replacement who will never really be seen onscreen.

Harry: Aww, fiddlesticks.

Snape: *claps a couple of times before staring around awkwardly* …There's usually some applause for a new professor. Come on, throw me a freaking bone here, people!

Dumbledore: Also, surprising no one, we have a new Defense Against the Dark Arts professor, the one in the pink.

Students: GAAAH, MY EYES!

Dumbledore: So yeah, Dolores Umbridge, one of the top sleazebags at the Ministry. Apparently she's so insignificant that they can do entirely without her for a year.

Umbridge: Hem hem.

Students: Bitch needs to get dragged by snails over a three mile long cheese grater.

Dumbledore: I'm sure you'll all join me in wishing the professor a slow, agonizing death featured onpage and in graphic detail.

iheartmwpp: During this scene, there's a deleted scene where the camera focuses on Trelawney being too stupid to eat up at the head table. Yeah, no one cares.

Dumbledore: As I was saying, Mr. Filch has asked me to remind you of the rule about magic being forbidden in the corridors, which I'm sure you'll be ignoring just like every other year ever, I don't know why he's bothering anymore, I'm certainly not. And other stuff's happening that I also don't care about, a list of which can be found on Filch's door. I'm sure you'll all be scrambling to read that.

Umbridge: HEM HEM.

Dumbledore: Bwah-bwah-BWAH?

Umbridge: *puts heir bag on top of the table for no reason before standing and walking to the front of the table*

Snape: Oh how much of the world's evils I could've prevented by slitting her throat and watching her bleed out all over the dessert. It would've been glorious.

Harry: Wait…she was seen earlier in the movie as an evil bitchface that no one liked.

Ron: My dad told me about her. They say she can't be killed! They say she drinks blood!

Hermione: I read that she used to be the warden of Azkaban, and that the dementors that worked there were only afraid of one thing. Her.

Seamus: *coming over* I heard, one time, a dementor kissed her…and it. Died.

Neville: Oh dear…

Umbridge: Thank you, headmaster, for those kind words of welcome.

Dumbledore: WOW you have no concept of how to take a hint.

Umbridge: And just look at all your cute widdle faces! Oh who's a cute widdle group of students? You are, yes you are.

iheartmwpp: 'S like my old high school art teacher. Woman was convinced that a group of fourteen- to seventeen-year-olds, none of which needed any kind of special education, was unable to figure out how to make fucking PURPLE.

Umbridge: I know we'll all soon be very good friends!

Fred and George: Go get skinned with a potato peeler!

Umbridge: WHO DISRESPECTING UMBRIDGE.

Students: …Mummy…

Umbridge: Now, I know that some of you may be…nervous, or…frightened. But know this. I'm here to make your time at Hogwarts as "totally awesome" as possible. Because, I'm not just a teacher, or "High Inquisitor—"

Dumbledore: You're not High Inquisitor yet.

Umbridge: …Shut up. *turns back to the students* In fact, I'd like to think of all of you…as my childrens!

ENTIRE STUDENT BODY: *shudders violently*

Umbridge: And that makes me…your mama.

Ron: *whispering* We better contact Sirius for some more Yo Mama jokes, then.

Harry: Hell, we could probably just ask Snape, he won the last round anyway.

Umbridge: And a very loving and caring mama I am. So for all of us to get along, there are just some very simple rules that must be obeyed. Rule number one. No members of the opposite sex. *smirks* Unless they're cute!

Harry: …I'm confused.

Hermione: Suddenly I feel a lot better about everything in life.

Ron: Oh great. More heteronormative thinking. As if we didn't see enough of that already in a series where one of the most powerful and decent characters in the entire septology is CANONICALLY FUCKING GAY.

Umbridge: Rule number two. No alcohol.

Student body: …Apparently there's a small amount in butterbeer, is that forbidden now? NOES WHAT'S THE POINT OF GOING TO HOGSMEADE THEN.

Umbridge: Unless there's plenty to go around!

Student body: OH THANK MERLIN.

Umbridge: And rule number three? No parties.

Gryffindors: Our existence is now meaningless.

Umbridge: UNLESS UMBRIDGE IS INVITED!

Gryffindors: …Our existence is still meaningless.

Umbridge: Eh heh heh heh. Eh heh heh heh heh. Eh der der der der. But seriously, though, if I catch any of you with anyone of the opposite sex or alcohol… *checks nails* I'm gonna rip your perky little boobs off.

Students: That's nice, now GET ON WITH IT.

Umbridge: First of all, I'd like to spew out the usual hippogriff shit that all governments seem to give about how much they value education, which is why most schools, at least in America, are drastically underfunded. However, those are just a bunch of filthy Muggles, and I assure you that our vastly superior race is superior in every way, and by no means is the Ministry of Magic any kind of commentary on how real life governments fail to operate when needed.

Students: Uh-huh, sure.

Umbridge: Now then, as I pretend to like the headmaster for a quick sec to keep up appearances—

Dumbledore: Yeah, you're really not fooling anyone.

Ron: Hey, I am in this scene! Cool!

Hermione: Of course you are, why wouldn't you be?

Ron: Because the camera only focused on you and Harry sitting rather closely together while I was nowhere to be found until just now.

Harry: Oh great. So nice to know that the filmmakers haven't learned from past mistakes.

Nigel: Why am I sitting between Seamus and Neville instead of hanging out with students from my own fucking year?

Umbridge: —I must add that I believe that he's doing things entirely wrong and I'm here to change all that and censor everything in order to uphold standards and practices that I believe to be correct because Merlin forbid that anyone else have an opinion differing from my own.

Students: …Okay…

Umbridge: From now on, we're gonna be doing things around here my way. We gonna be doing things around here…THE UMBRIDGE WAY. *demurely goes to sit back down*

Dumbledore: …Okay everyone, clap before she snaps and murders us all.

Students: Oh this has us bathed in confidence. *do what he says anyway*

Filch: Prrrrr, prrrrrrr…

Mrs. Norris: *jumps up on his shoulder* I don't know…

Filch: Meow, meow meow meow.

Mrs. Norris: If you say so.

Ron: So that all sounded like complete shit.

Snape: Hang on, two movies ago I was sitting right next to Dumbledore, how'd I end up being moved down here?

Harry: So mind translating whatever the fuck that just was, seeing as how Ron and I have scrotums and are therefore incapable of any sort of higher brain functions?

Hermione's eyebrows: Certainly, stupid boy! It means the Ministry's out to fuck up this year at Hogwarts in any way that it can. I might be right in thinking that this is the most miserable year we'll ever have here.

Harry: Oh joy of joys.

Umbridge: Now get on upstairs and brush them cute little teeth of yours! And if I catch you outside of bed past twenty-one hundred hours, I won't be afraid to stick a red-hot curling iron up them cute little puckered buttholes of yours. Because that's what my mama did to me, and I WON'T BE AFRAID TO DO IT TO MY CHILDRENS! LIGHTS OOOUUUUT!

~Anyone annoyed by my blatant overuse of Starkid references yet? XD~

Outside shot of the great hall: …Why's the camera focusing on me, this next scene takes place in the Gryffindor common room.

Harry: As I casually enter the common room, minding my own business…and somehow the entire house is ALREADY HERE and have settled down to have long-winded conversations, despite me knowing most of the bestest shortcuts in the castle so really I should've gotten here long before most of them.

Gryffindors: Hey look, we hate you again. Shocker. Though we will immediately start liking you again once the press tells us we can, that's gotta count for something.

Harry: …It doesn't. In fact, I think that makes me like you less.

Gryffindors: …Oh. Poopie.

Seamus and Dean: We're also kind of stare-glaring at you.

Harry: Which prompts me to ask how you were this summer as if you two don't hate me.

Dean: I think I'll answer, since even though it's not really clear whether or not I actually believe He-Who-Needs-A-Decent-Wig-To-Cover-Those-Creepy-Head-Vein-Things is back, I presumably think you're still an okay bloke, having shared a dorm with you for four years and you haven't acted completely insane yet.

Harry: Thanks, mate. So…good holiday?

Dean: Meh. Seamus's sucked, though.

Seamus: *throws down conspicuous copy of the Daily Prophet* Me mam didn't want me to come back this year.

Harry: Read the script, did she? Is it because the main plot stops completely for a whole book? She want you to rightfully avoid the crap out of Umbridge? Or was she a major Sirius fangirl and wanted to protest by keeping you out of the movie?

Seamus: No, she thinks you'll snap any minute and kill us all in our sleep. The Prophet has been saying a lot of weird shit about you and Dumbledore. I mean, you Siriusly like Daleks in Manhatten and Evolution of the Daleks?

Harry: Oh come on, they weren't that bad!

Seamus: Dalek Sec SHOVED A MAN UP HIS OWN ASS!

Harry: Well I guess you should go watch Love and Monsters with your stupid mother.

Seamus: Don't you dare assume that we would go anywhere near that piece of shit! Oh and I don't think you're telling the truth about Diggory, considering that no one was able to watch the third task in any way whatsoever. NO I WILL NEVER LEAVE THAT ALONE.

Harry: Rightfully so on that count, but I ain't lying and until you realize that, I'll talk to you people however the fuck I want.

Seamus: Oh come on, you of all people should know that throwing around insults about other people's mothers is just not on.

Ron: Presumably me and Hermione were escorting the midgets. Or we were off snogging, who knows, really. Still, while I wonder where Hermione's gone off to, this actually gives me an opportunity to be a badass, so…What the hell's going on?

Seamus: He's mad, is what's going on! He actually doesn't like The Hunger Games! That's just not right!

Harry: Katniss was under no obligation to fall in love with Peeta or Gale, the story would've been so much better if the story just focused on the actual games rather than trying to force in some ham-fisted romance garbage that people will end up skimming over as they pray for the plot to move forward again. Also Katniss is a borderline psychopath and the author did like no research whatsoever on the symptoms of actual starvation. Or anything else, by the look of it.

Ron: I'm actually kind of with him on this one. I mean, it's more bearable than Twilight, in that we actually managed to finish the entire series instead of just getting through the first third of the first book and giving up, but then again that isn't exactly saying much.

Seamus: Okay, fair enough. But he also actually believes that The-Guy-Who-Desperately-Needs-To-Get-Laid is back and junk.

Ron: Need I remind you that I am, in fact, rather awesome?

Fred and George: Look at how brilliantly supportive we're being of our baby brother and the guy who's funding the shop. Not that we ever had time to mention that in this version, but still! After the brilliant job the filmmakers did last time, now it's like we're being relegated to the back of the room to sit and do nothing till we have a line again! 'S bloody annoying, that!

Ginny: Even at this point I was rushing to Harry's defense, but since I'm not allowed any decent amount of screentime whatsoever, he can go fuck himself.

Harry: *heads upstairs, Ron right on his heels after a meaningful glare around the common room*

Neville: My gran says it's the Daily Prophet that's rubbish. She canceled our subscription. Need I remind you that she brought me up, just think of how badass she must be. Though I probably should've said all this before Harry went upstairs to show that I actually supported him, but he'll probably figure that out from the fact that I will actually be able to stomach his presence, unlike the rest of you wankers.

Parvati: Damn that's hot.

Padma: I should still be in Ravenclaw.

Harry: *breaks foot on trunk* Shit that hurt. *loosens tie*

Ron: You should probably get that looked at.

Harry: Don't worry about it.

Ron: And don't worry about Seamus, mate. They'll all see the truth of things once the bodies start getting piled up in the remains of the great hall, you'll see—

Harry: GOD, WHY CAN'T EVERYONE JUST LEAVE ME ALONE.

Book readers: YAY A GENUINE CAPS LOCK MOMENT we are content.

Ron: *looks like a kicked puppy* …The one time I get to be a good friend when Hermione's not here to steal my thunder, and you shut me out. Fine, I see how it is. *goes back downstairs, presumably to go look for Hermione. Where is she, anyway?*

Harry: …God, that look on his face just broke my heart. I should really call him back and apologize, but my teenage angst won't allow it. *cricks neck*

iheartmwpp: *rubs her own neck again* Stop encouraging me, damn it—Whoa. Okay, that is not supposed to make that noise…

~Yes, more Doctor Who references. I'm sure none of you are surprised. Also I HAVEN'T SEEN THE LATEST CHRISTMAS SPECIAL YET, PLEASE NO SPOILERS.~

Audience: …What's with the long, dark, evil-looking tunnel leading down to the depths of hell itself, are we in the Chamber of Secrets again or something?

Harry: Must…try to…make this look…like an…actual…nightmare…as opposed to…an…erotic…dream…

Movie watchers: On second thought, the floor, walls, and ceiling look like the décor from the Ministry of Magic. That shouldn't be so hard for him to figure out, maybe they'll have the mystery solved before the end of the movie so we won't have to deal with them taking a full school year to find out shit.

Book readers: …Yeah, he's not that smart.

Harry: As the camera focuses on random sweaty parts of my body…

Mature section of audience: Yeah, we're gonna use this in dirty mash-up videos on YouTube implying you were having wet dreams about Malfoy or something whether you like it or not.

Harry: I'm having traumatizing nightmares about freaking Voldemort!

Mature section of audience: Doesn't matter, you're in bed, you're dreaming, and you're sweaty. We need nothing else.

Voldemort: I have a hand.

Harry: …Dude. Nails. Trim them.

Voldemort: DON'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO.

Harry: Camera, please stop focusing on my neck, it's kinda weird.

Camera: DON'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO.

Harry: …

Voldemort: Apparently I'm forcing you to connect the prophecy orb thing with an oil lamp and a pretty picture of a sun behind some clouds. I AM MYSTERIOUS!

Harry: …Really? You're showing me images of the sun? That's just dumb.

Voldemort: IT IS YOU WHO IS DUMB!

Harry: For some reason I find this terrifying. *is suddenly wearing a gray long sleeve shirt and the camera focuses on Ron*

Rifftrax: Why am I awake?

~I'm pretty sure that was meant to be right after Harry saw Arthur getting attacked by Nagini. YAY SLOPPY EDITING!~

Review or Voldemort will show you random images of round objects in your dreams.


	5. Teh WHY WON'T THIS BITCH EVER DIE

Disclaimer: I do not own anything from the film/book Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, any other movie, book, or game in the series, A Very Potter Sequel, Peter Pan, Dead Poets Society, A Series of Unfortunate Events, Annie, Family Guy, a very awesome death threat courtesy of Some Moron, Suburban Knights, Death Note Abridged, another very awesome death threat courtesy of Dracarot, Amazons Attack, a death threat inspired by a suggestion from Mew Musica, Code MENT, or Rifftrax.

~Well this was a particularly abrupt transition.~

Padma: Let me demonstrate how clever I am—clever enough to be in Ravenclaw, mind—by making a pretty thingy.

Parvati: Coolness.

Harry and Ron: Apparently that nightmare last night truly didn't matter whatsoever, let us guffaw and have a lovely chortlefest about Merlin knows what…Let's say Snape, yeah, that sounds in character.

Hermione: I am laughing stupidly with someone, no idea who it is.

Seamus: Imma grab the pretty. *tries and fails*

Dean: Ha, fail.

Paper thingy: *bursts into song* Think of a wonderful though/Any happy little thought…

Crabbe: …Why would a pureblood wizard who's obsessed with blood purity have a slingshot or know how to use it?

Paper thingy: That hurted my feelingses! *cries*

Harry and Ron: We seem to have settled down considerably.

Umbridge: Oh, a sense of happiness? Oh no no no no no, we can't have that, we can't have that at all.

Paper thingy: And now I'm on fiyah. Oooh, the pain.

Parvati: … *sniffs*

Padma: If I were in Ravenclaw, I'd totally be able to fix it.

Umbridge: Good morning, children! *smiling brightly*

Students: …Well this is gonna suck.

Umbridge: *makes chalk write on blackboard—Okay, why would wizards have fucking chalkboards, they're wizards, why can't they just do what Riddle did in Film Two and just draw words in the air or something? Also how did Umbridge manage to make the chalk move, she's not that smart* Your OWLs are also this year, so in addition to everything else you have to worry about, there are also wicked hard standardized tests that will send you into a panic if you don't get them right and we're attempting to convince you that you'll never get anywhere in life if you don't succeed in school, despite that even if you get a college degree in the Muggle world you'll probably still end up working in some minimum wage job that you hate but can't escape.

Students: Oh great.

Umbridge: Study hard, and you'll be able to show off your report cards to your parents who may reward you with a new gaming system or something if they can afford that kind of crap. Fail to do so, and I will let Filch start beating people again.

Rifftrax: Eurgh, she's getting turned on!

Umbridge: *waves wand and hands out books…which is actually kind of nice, implying that in this version she's wasting the school's/government's money on these shitty books instead of forcing the students to waste their own money on textbooks they'll never use after class and probably won't even use during class half the time…Shit, that reminds me I have to find cheaper books somewhere, if I buy them from school the most expensive textbook is only thirty bucks this year, which is awesome…except I need thirteen books, only one of which is under ten. And I'd be lucky if I got more than five bucks back total; I sold back all my plays from last semester, stuff I paid over $120 for, and was actually pleasantly surprised to get $18.75 back. I fucking hate college* Wow, that was a long and pointless aside. Anyway, it's almost as if getting a different teacher every single year, all with varying teaching styles, would fuck up your education somehow. I mean, it appears as though you actually learned something from that filthy half-breed that taught here two books ago, and that just won't do at all.

Harry: The cover looks like a kid drew it.

Ron: And it's not moving! What's up with that?

Umbridge: Some government regulations opposed onto schools are probably necessary in order to keep the damn place running, but we're really going overboard here by basically re-teaching all of you as if you were seven and fully expecting you to just absorb the information with no comments on it whatsoever, because we're trying to mold you into mindless zombies. Also, if any of you start jumping up onto desks, I'll slit your Achilles tendons.

Hermione: *flipping through the book with one hand with raising the other*

Umbridge: Uh, yes, the Mudblood in the middle.

Hermione: This textbook is like a thousand years old! It still refers to dementors as Ringwraiths!

Umbridge: So…So you're smarter than whoever wrote this book?

Hermione: No—

Umbridge: You're smarter than…Merlin?

Hermione: No, I'm not!

Umbridge: There is no need for you to use magic in my classroom, I'm certainly not going to attack you.

Students: We have a severely hard time believing that.

Ron: So we're further decreasing the wonder and whimsy of this franchise by taking away magic? The only thing that separates us from Muggles? You basically want us to live like Muggles, is that what your saying? Ms. I Want Purebloods To Reign Supreme? There are still pureblood students who eat up your piles of shit, you know, are you saying you won't even teach them anything?

Umbridge: You'll be learning magic in a secure, risk-free way…Well, mostly risk-free, you still might get a paper cut, but after all, learning things from books is the safest method of learning there is. Books are entirely harmless, after all, which is why governments keep banning them. Also, this particular installment, being just shy of nine hundred pages in the US, can be used successfully as a bludgeoning tool, but that's neither here or there.

Harry: And what use is that, if we're going to be attacked, it won't be risk-free—

Umbridge: I'm sorry! I didn't realize I was in the presence of royalty. Oh my God, everybody, look! It's Harry Freaking Potter!

Harry: God, five years I've been trying to tell everyone I fucking hate that shit…Fuck it, I don't even care anymore.

Umbridge: *jumping up and down* Yay, yay! Oh my God, he's so dreamy! And so rich and famous. Mr. Potter? Mr. Potter! Would you play me a little song on your guitar?

Harry: Um, I can't actually play—

Umbridge: *still jumping up and down* Oh wait wait wait! Mr. Potter! Mr. Potter? Will you sign my boob?

Harry: Oh HELLS no.

Umbridge: Right over here! *grabs his arm*

Harry: I said n—OH GOD ow.

Umbridge: I wonder what would happen if I just… *strokes his hand* …broke your fingers?

Harry: *looks absolutely terrified*

Umbridge: Because then you wouldn't be able to play the guitar anymore. And then all your little friends would just leave you alone, and then you would be just like Umbridge. *drops her voice down to a whisper* Except Umbridge can kick your ass.

Harry: *soils himself*

Umbridge: *finally lets go*

Harry: *immediately cowers behind the desk*

Umbridge: *smiles brightly at her students once more*

Students: We hope a thestral forcefully removes your pancreas.

Umbridge: It is the opinion of the Ministry that I am parroting to you that theoretical lessons should be enough to keep your brains working, why bother ever actually getting up and moving around, that's not healthy at all. Also grades are everything even though we've just established that it's unlikely many of you will get really well-paying jobs unless you know the right people.

Harry: But how's just simple theory supposed to prepare us for what's out there?

Umbridge: You appear to be suffering the delusion that school actually prepares you for the real world.

iheartmwpp: Ain't that the truth.

Umbridge: Besides, who would want to attack children like yourselves?

Parvati: …Pedophiles?

Seamus: Kidnappers?

Harry: Abusive relatives?

Neville: Murderers who don't care who their victims are or who specialize in murdering children?

Violet, Klaus, and Sunny: Count Olaf?

Annie: Certain children's homes in general?

Hermione: There are Muggle policemen for a reason, and I'm sure Aurors serve the same purpose here.

Harry: Oh, and Lord Freaking Voldemort.

Neville: I should show my support here, but I seem to be avoiding looking at him.

Dean: Wow, it's so quiet you can hear a pencil drop. Here, let me drop a pencil.

Seamus: It's not that quiet, people are still muttering…why would you have a pencil when we have perfectly acceptable freakin' quills.

Umbridge: …

Rifftrax: Quick flashback to her drunken father fighting the clown on her fifth birthday…

Umbridge: …So to clarify, this boy is a lying liar who lies and you should disregard everything he says.

Harry: I'm not lying, I saw him, I saw Peter Pettigrew help resurrect him, then Lucius Malfoy showed up and watched as Voldemort tortured me before I managed to fight him off—

Umbridge: See what I mean? Pettigrew is dead and Lucius is a very dear friend of Cornelius's, I refuse to believe he's evil.

Harry: So according to you, Cedric Diggory dropped dead of his own accord, then.

Umbridge: The fact that it was clearly the Killing Curse that killed Cedric Diggory means that it was a tragic accident.

Harry: …The fact that it was clearly the Killing Curse means that it was murder! How can you be so obtuse?

Umbridge: WHAT DID YOU CALL ME.

Harry: Obtuse, you're being obtuse!

Umbridge: Detention, Mr. Potter! Or am I being obtuse?

Harry: Nope, now you're being acute.

Umbridge: You are a speck. And I don't even notice you, because that's how insignificant you are.

Harry: …Well if I'm…so insignificant, then why are you bringing this up?

Umbridge: …

Harry: …

Umbridge: …You're a pea!

Harry: …Did you just call me a pea?

Umbridge: *holds her thumb and forefinger about a centimeter apart* This is you, and you're screaming to all the other peas, "Oh save me, oh save me, she's going to eat me!" But I've already eaten the other peas! OM NOM NOM! Eh heh heh heh heh! Eh heh heh heh heh! Der der der der der!

Harry: Wow. That's a lot of peas.

Umbridge: Yeah.

Harry: And…I'm just full of them.

Umbridge: Right.

Harry: I am totally full…of pea-ness.

Umbridge: You got it.

Harry: So…what're you gonna do?

Umbridge: I WILL EAT YOUR PENIS!

Students: …

Ron: *fist-pumps Harry under the table*

Umbridge: …EVERYONE SHUT UP!

Dean: …None of us were saying any—

Umbridge: I SAID SHUT UP!

Parvati: …So much for the little old grandmother approach.

~I dunno, she seems like an accurate portrayal to me.~

Umbridge: *puts seventeen spoonfuls of sugar in her tea*

Audience: Oh sweet merciful Lord, we all just got diabetes watching this!

Umbridge: All right, Dolores, you're doing great. Your depth perception and knowledge of physics are unmatched by any others in the freakish-looking section of the Ministry. However, now I must use my mental abilities to figure out what to do next. Perhaps I should grasp the handle in a manner that would allow me to pick up the cup containing my beverage of choice…No, that's incorrect. While it is definitely possible for my left arm to carry such a cup through the air with ease, it is risky. If the cup were to fall, it would cause much of my baby-making area to experience severe distress.

Kitty plates: RELEASE US FROM THIS LIVING DEATH.

Umbridge: However, if I pour the tea directly into my mouth without blowing on it first I risk burning my mouth and subsequently reducing my projected lifespan by roughly 1.21 seconds in the case that I die a natural death.

Harry: Knock knock.

Umbridge: Who's there?

Harry: Interrupting cow.

Umbridge: Interrupting cow wh—

Harry: MOO!

Umbridge: Another week's detention, Mr. Potter. *adjusts her six pens of different sizes so they're absolutely perfect…wait, why would she need such Muggle contraptions, shouldn't she be adjusting quills or something? For that matter, she's hardly wearing pink robes, her clothes also seem rather Muggle for someone who hates them so much*

Harry: *enters the room and stares at all the admittedly adoragable cat plates on the wall in horror*

Kitty plates: OH GOD, MAKE THE AGONY STOP.

Harry: …Wow.

iheartmwpp: Funny story: I got Teddy around the time this came out. Ish. A little after, the last book had to have been out by then so Mom could suggest the name and so I could instantly agree. A friend of my dad's, who always came to see the films with us, came over to our house before we went to see it again to play with him for a bit. He started talking about how now he wanted to get a kitty. Then we go see this movie in the theater. When we got to this scene, I leaned over and whispered, "Do you still want a kitty?" He guffawed and had a lovely chortle-fest. And said no.

Umbridge: Close the door and sit down, bitch.

Harry: … *complies*

Evil white kitty of evil: I am slightly less adorable, therefore I must be evil.

Umbridge: Now you're a rule breaker, Potter. And it's time for your punishment.

Harry: *whimpering* What punishment?

Umbridge: Oh it's nothing too bad. You just gotta *unsheathes a knife* take this knife, put it upright on a chair, AND SIT ON IT, POTTSY!

Phone: *rings*

Umbridge: Oh, hang on, that's me. *answers it* Hey Shacklebolt! Didja get my text? *pause* Well you didn't text me back. *pause* No, of course I didn't send the dementors after Potter, what are you talking about? *pause* What paper trail? *pause* Shouldn't you be in Tibet right now? *loudly talking as if she's trying to drown out the voice on the other end* Okay, glad that's taken care of! Say hi to Cornelius for me! Bye! *hangs up* Merlin, he's an asshole.

Harry: Oh yeah, that dramatic reveal got cut, I forgot…How the hell do phones suddenly work in Hogwarts?

Umbridge: Oh. Potter. Erm…What was I saying?

Harry: You were telling me to sit on a knife.

Umbridge: Oh. *chuckles darkly* That's right. *does it again* How silly of me. Well, it sounds like your mama got a little bit carried away with herself. But…she's not an unreasonable mama. In fact, she's pretty cool. Right?

Harry: …

Umbridge: Right! Now, the detention is actually gonna be ridiculously easy compared to the ones you've had in the past; you'll just be doing some lines for me.

Harry: …Huh. Maybe you're not so bad after all. You're definitely easier on students than McGonagall, that's for sure. *bends down to retrieve quill. Or pencil, who needs anything magic anymore, honestly*

Umbridge: No, not with your quill, you'll be using a special one of mine, which I'll probably burn later to get rid of your filthy half-blood contamination.

Harry: This quill seems more brownish than black—

Umbridge: And that's another week's detention. My, my, we sure do have our little problems with authority, don't we?

Harry: …May I please have some ink?

Umbridge: Oh, you won't be needing any ink. *sweet little smile*

Book readers: We hope you are slowly dipped into molten copper after you are attacked by a swarm of Beedrills.

Batman: Bees. My God.

Umbridge: I want you to write, "I must not tell lies."

Harry: How many times.

Umbridge: Oh, as long as it takes for the message to sink in.

Book readers: We also hope you'll be forced into a room that plays nothing but Ke$ha music for all eternity.

Harry: So once it does sink in and I'm still spouting the same crap, you'll finally believe me?

Umbridge: No, no, then I'll just have to have you killed. *turns her back on him*

Harry: …This quill is uncommonly sharp. There is absolutely nothing standing in the way of me just stabbing her in the neck with this right now…I think I lost some of my brains along with my hair. *starts writing crap*

Umbridge: *sighs in utter contentment*

Book readers: WE HOPE GREYBACK FUCKING EATS YOU.

Harry: Ow, ow, what the hell, what's up with my left hand. Also why is it my left hand, it's supposed to affect the hand you're writing with…making it harder to continue to write and for other people to torture you, so maybe this is sort of better except not really because it still sucks. Also I think that this means I have to keep my handwriting exactly the same each time I write for fear of adding layers upon layers of scars if my hand happens to slip or I mess up a word, or even if I just end up slanting the words like I am right now Merlin that hurts, I'm surprised the scar isn't going down my wrist at this point.

Umbridge: *walks over to him, a concerned expression on her face*

Rifftrax: I'm going to dance for you now.

Umbridge: Is something wrong, dear?

Book readers: Actually, we hope Greyback just bites you so you'll be forced to live by your own laws and so you'll probably kill yourself out of self-loathing, because as much as we want to torture you ourselves we also don't really want to touch you or come within twenty miles of your putrescence.

Harry: … *stares up at her, then at the blood trickling from his hand. He drags his finger across it, then casually leans forward and wipes the blood on Umbridge's pink sleeve before returning to his lines as though nothing had happened. SOMEONE NEEDS TO WRITE SOMETHING LIKE THIS or have Lee do it or something, that might make more sense*

Umbridge: That's right.

Harry: I didn't say anything.

Umbridge: And now you have detention for a full month. Because you know, deep down, you deserve to be punished.

iheartmwpp's mother person: I think a painful, slow-acting poison slipped into her favorite food, for me. Getting eaten alive's just too quick.

Umbridge: I'm right, aren't I?

Harry: Well for Cedric, yeah, and I do feel guilty that my parents died while I lived, plus everyone else who will be dying soon—

EVERYONE HE KNOWS: Do shut up.

Umbridge: Continue, then.

Harry: Okay, this is a pretty short piece of paper anyway, I'll be out of here in like fifteen minutes.

~Several weeks later…~

Parvati: And now for a useless panning shot of the common room that'll be cut from the film.

Padma: Why aren't I in Ravenclaw?

Neville: I love this plant.

Random couple on the stairs: WE ARE SNOGGING.

Seamus: Who are these people and why am I playing cards with them?

Dean: Is this even supposed to be Exploding Snap or just regular poker?

Harry: Look at the back of my practically shaved head.

Audience: No thanks, we're good.

Weasleys' Wizarding Wheezes: *are suddenly shoved into the viewer's face*

Montage of one of the twins opening their trunks of crap: *is shown*

George: So yeah, this is what we've been working on offscreen.

Fred: The main product of this book besides the Extendable Ears is the Skiving Snackboxes.

George: Don't ask us how we're getting funded in this version, 'cause we haven't a clue.

Fred: Also it's a really good thing that Hermione and Ickle Ronniekins haven't been made prefects so we're free to experiment on the firsties as much as we like.

George: …I don't sound nearly as enthused as I should be…

Dean: I'm watching in delight as someone develops painful boils! Tee hee, watching someone else's pain is so much fun!

Fred: Huh. And here we were complaining that you're dating our baby sister next film, but there might well be hope for you yet!

Ron: I'm not saying that we're only friends with you because you do a lot of our homework for us, I'm just saying it's an added perk!

Hermione: I can't be expected to do all your work for you, I have my own to do, you know!

Ron: Please? I have no idea what I'm really supposed to be doing for this assignment, just help me figure out what I'm supposed to write about!

Hermione: If I do the introduction and give you a thesis to work on, will you do your own research on it?

Ron: Sure, fine, no problem!

Hermione: Then fine, but just the introduction, and only because I seem to have become a Generation Xerox of Remus and probably think you guys will leave me if I say no to you.

Ron: …Wow. There are some moments when you really are genuinely stupid.

Hermione: That's…actually probably the sweetest thing you could've said in this instance.

Ron: I know. *grins broadly, sits next to Harry*

Hermione: You're adorable. *sits on Harry's other side*

Harry: This book sucks ass.

Hermione: Since you've got the back of your hand flat against your knee and covered by a book, I'm going to use my psychic abilities to magically know there's something wrong with it.

Harry: It's nothing.

Hermione: …Is nothing…something?

Harry: It's everything.

Ron: Wow.

Hermione: But I meant this hand. *grabs his hand and holds it gently in her own*

Harry: *makes no move to pull it away until after she's looked at it*

Ron: *tries not to throttle Harry*

Hermione: You've got to tell Dumbledore.

Harry: I'm too pissed at him to want to talk to him right now. Also I don't want to let Umbridge accuse me of being a tattle-tale. Trust me, I have experience with bullies, telling only makes them make your life even more of a living hell.

Ron: Bloody shit, Harry, I can totally tell from sitting way over here and being unable to see anything that the bitch from hell was apparently torturing you, even though I don't seem nearly as disgusted as I was in the book. If the parents knew about this—

Harry: The parents'll never find out because either the Ministry'll pull a massive cover-up, or else they'll say that I did this to myself in order to garner even more sympathy and to make them look bad. Hell, they might even accuse Dumbledore of making me do it. No, if I do anything, this'll just escalate even faster than it's already going to. Best to leave it alone.

Hermione's eyebrows: *inhale loudly* Harry, you've got to report this. It's perfectly simple—

Harry: You're an idiot who knows nothing about the current political climate. The Ministry has all the power right now, we can't do anything. I can't believe you don't get that!

Hermione: Then help us to understand!

Harry: I don't. Want. To talk about it. *grabs his bag*

Hermione: You can't just forget about this!

Harry: Oh I'll forget about it…WHEN I CHOKE YOU WITH YOUR OWN TRACHEA! *walks away*

Ron: Well that went well.

~You'd think that Hermione would have had experience with bullies before Hogwarts, but apparently you'd be wrong…though she totally could've gone to a private school where teachers might be more inclined to give a crap…~

Review or you'll be forced to write lines for Umbridge.


	6. Teh YOU KNOW IT HAD TO HAPPEN EVENTUALLY

Disclaimer: I do not own anything from the film/book Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, any other movie, book, or game in the series, A Very Potter Sequel, Film Brain, the Farscape bloopers, Code MENT, Dragonball Z Abridged, Monty Python's Flying Circus, Kung Pow: Enter the Fist, Airplane!, Eddie Izzard, or Rifftrax.

~Okay, Film Three? Whomping Willow. Film Four? Exterior shots of the castle indicating where the next scene was going to take place in relation to the previous one. Film Five? Nothing.~

Hedwig: I'm still in the movies! WHEEEEEEEE!

Harry: Dear Padfoot—

Movie watchers: Who?

Book readers: GOD FUCKING DAMN IT, MOVIES!

Harry: I hope you're all right. It's starting to get colder here. It's as if September or October or whatever month we're in will soon slip into a wintry month or something. And that's just wrong. Also despite my friends who basically abandoned me to rot at the Dursleys all summer being constantly around me, always asking how I am and never leaving me the fuck alone when I want to be left the fuck alone, I still feel like you're my only friend in the world. Maybe it would be different if Hagrid were still here, as illustrated by me walking down to his hut all alone in the vain hope that he might be back by now. Still, I know that you, having been locked up in Azkaban for twelve years and having a slight glimps of freedom before being locked back up in a place you hate with only the possibility of friends occasionally coming over, would understand the plight of a teenager hanging out with his buddies all the time at school, and who's able to go outside and enjoy the fresh air whenever we don't have a class. At least you don't have to worry about homework; I know you'll appreciate that. And I am now distracted by a skeletal horse thing flying over me so I won't bother to sign this letter.

Thestral: What're you looking at? Creepy stalker… *flies into the forest*

Harry: Huh. Considering that I have never once been told off for going into the forest despite it being strictly forbidden, plus the fact that my friends and I have repeatedly gone in without a second thought, I might as well investigate what the hell these things are instead of going to a library or something. *goes into forest* Hey look, another one…And there's that freaky girl petting a third one. Or it could be the same as the first one, what do I know.

Luna: In addition to being made of awesome I'm apparently psychic. Hello, Harry Potter.

Harry: …That is absurdly creepy. And…you're barefoot because…?

Luna: All my shoes have mysteriously disappeared. I suspect nargles are behind it.

Harry: But won't that cause problems once you have to go to class? I doubt many of the teachers will be too sympathetic. Also you're clearly seen wearing shoes later in the film.

Luna: Just because I got some of them back doesn't mean I got all of them back.

Harry: Ah, I forgot, you're female, you must have like forty pairs or something.

Luna: …No, only about four. And I don't really like how you generalize these kinds of things.

Harry: …So what are these things anyway?

Luna: They're called thestrals.

Thestral: *spreads wings* Yawn.

Luna: They're quite gentle really, but people avoid them because they're a bit…

Harry: Terrifying, as if the Four Horsemen themselves would use them as their steeds?

Luna: No, that's not what I was going for, no. Oooh, look, a baby one!

Harry: …Were you going for different?

Film Brain: SYMBOLISM!XD!ROFLCOPTER!

Harry: But why can't the others see them?

Luna: Have they witnessed anyone having the life mercilessly torn out of them?

Harry: …Not that I know of.

Luna: Well there you go.

Harry: …So…you've known someone who's died, then.

Luna: Not only did I know them, but I witnessed them die, which is rather the point. Anyway, my mum was a brilliant witch, but she did like to experiment, and one day one of her spells went badly wrong. I was nine.

Book readers: COULD THE CASTING HAVE BEEN ANYMORE PERFECT? *gaze at Evanna Lynch in adoration*

Harry: I'm sorry.

Luna: Why? You weren't there, it wasn't your fault.

Harry: …I think it's just something most people compulsively say in this situation.

Luna: Ah. But it was rather horrible, and I do feel very sad about it sometimes, but at least I have my memories of what little time we've spent together, and I've still got Dad, you know?

Harry: …Can't say I do, no.

Baby thestral: BABY WANT FOOD.

Luna: In a minite! We both believe you, by the way.

Baby thestral: …What are you talking about?

Luna: Oh, sorry, I was talking to Harry.

Harry: …What are you talking about?

Luna: …The stuff that you've been trying to say all movie that no one believes is true? We believe it. We also believe you're a dumbass.

Harry: Oh. Thanks. I think. Still, since no one else believes me, I'll take what I can get.

Luna: I highly doubt that's the case. Most of your friends believe you, and the Title of the Movie wouldn't have reformed if they didn't believe you. Also, I think that quite a few others believe you, but they don't want to say anything about it for fear of what the Ministry might do to them. Here, have an apple. *chucks apple at baby thestral*

Baby thestral: *sniffs at apple* What, you didn't think to cut it up first? I can't eat this whole thing!

Luna: I vote we call him Ploppy. Ploppy the Spaceship.

Harry: Okay.

Luna: Good. I suppose that's how he wants you to feel.

Harry: …Your thought process appears to be all over the fucking place.

Luna: If I were The-Guy-Who-Looks-Like-He-Wants-To-Pull-A-Greyback-And-Eat-Your-Face-Off-At-The-End-Of-The-Movie, I'd want you cut off from everyone else. Because, if it's just you alone, you're not as much of a threat. And it would be even better if you were a completely destroyed emotional wreck with no desire to live. He'll probably aim for most of your loved ones in order to achieve this.

Harry: …Thanks for that, I feel so much better.

Luna: No prob. *throws a random piece of raw meat at the baby thestral*

Rifftrax: Oh, there's that liver! Pulled it out of a freshman, boy did he whine!

Baby thestral: OM NOM NOM.

Luna: FNOI!

Harry: Can't argue with that.

~I know that Harry's basically meant to have found a good companion, but now I just desperately want to ship them. :P~

Ron: As we do what seems like the only decent transition so far, by going from the baby thestral stuffing its face to me stuffing my face.

Ginny: I seem disgusted even though I should be heavily used to this, and indeed probably partake in stuffing my face as well.

Hermione: I just don't get it.

Ron: …It's breakfast, people who aren't anorexic tend to eat food for sustenance, what's not to get. Now let me read my pamphlet on how to cram for the OWLs instead of actually looking at the material I need to be looking at while I'm eating.

Hermione: That was not eating. I've seen eating. What you did just now was pure chaos.

Harry: SOCIAL ACTIVITY!

Hermione: 'Sup.

Harry: Can I join you? You, Hermione, specifically?

Hermione: Oh bloody hell, Steve Kloves isn't writing the bloody screenplay for this one, how does this crap keep getting through?

Parvati: What are we doing in this shot?

Padma: And why are my robes still red?

Random Gryffindor girl: And why am I sitting with the Slytherins? I'm clearly sitting right next to Goyle, what the fuck?

Umbridge: Are you insinuating something?

McGonagall: Oh, no, no, no, no, yes.

Umbridge: And what is that, exactly?

McGonagall: Only that, since you seem to adore following rules so much, you would actually follow the ones that are in place here, especially concerning ones that discipline students.

Harry: …Did one of you tell McGonagall about my hand?

Hermione: It certainly seems like something I'd go behind your back and do, like with the Firebolt in the book. This is more Sirius, in any case, as it's an actual appendage of your body and not some silly old broomstick. I can't imagine why I didn't do so in the book, to be honest.

Umbridge: So silly of me, but it sounds as though you are questioning my authority in my own classroom, Minerva. *takes a step up*

McGonagall: This little power play is so stupid. I'm going to play along. *takes a step up herself* Besides, it's mainly your methods of discipline. We're trying to move away from child abuse, we don't want to get sued!

Umbridge: I am vey sorry, but I'm afraid I don't really care. And to question me is to question the Ministry, and by extension, the minister himself. We are running a dictatorship, after all—

McGonagall: No we're not.

Umbridge: …Doesn't matter, we will be soon enough.

Harry: Oh dear.

Umbridge: I am a tolerant woman, but the one thing I will not stand for is disloyalty. And half-breeds. And Mudbloods. And Muggles. And magical creatures in general—

McGonagall: Yeah, yeah, we get it. Thing is, I'm kinda with Dumbledore on most things, including whenever he basically ignores the Ministry. So I'm gonna have to still stand against you on this one.

Umbridge: I implore you to reconsider.

McGonagall: Hmm…Okay! *steps down*

Umbridge: *steps up again* Things at Hogwarts suck, and aren't run the way I want them to be run. Cornelius will have to make me have almost total control immediately.

McGonagall: …By immediately, are we saying that Filch is nailing that thing into the wall right as we're talking, or did he wait until it was official?

Umbridge: For all you know, it already is official.

~YAY NEWSPAPER MONTAGE! Siriusly, how else did you think they were gonna fit the entire political part of the plot into the movie?~

Umbridge: I'm just going to stand here and smirk satisfactorily, and by doing so refuse to answer any of the pertinent questions the press might be asking me.

Fudge: Having already ceased teaching Defense Against the Dark Arts by having her students do the majority of their homework during the class while she watches them, Dolores Umbridge is also going to be putting a bunch of new rules in place that will suck out all of the joy inherent in going to Hogwarts, making it like every Muggle school on the planet even though we supposedly hate how Muggles do things.

Percy: Yo! I'm essentially betraying my family by working for Fudge! But who cares about that, I'M STILL IN THE MOVIES THIS IS SO AWESOME.

Movie watchers: …Who is he again?

~I used to have black shoes like that! When I was five!~

Umbridge: Public displays of affection BAD. Though since I find them so icky, I've probably not been so lucky in love and therefore think others should suffer the same pain I do. Or something.

~Yeah, I'm just gonna squeeze the entire Divination scene in right here, m'kay? M'kay.~

Harry: You know, that one time I saw Sirius's disembodied head in the crystal ball really made no fucking sense whatsoever.

Trelawney: And now to ramble on about dream interpretations. And I'm gonna bump into a table again.

Seamus and Dean: LOL.

Harry and Ron: We should've walked out with Hermione.

Trelawney: Crap, I dropped my book…Those are shoes a five-year-old would wear…Well this is an awkward angle. I'm just gonna stand up now…HA! I'm totally taller than you! Now what the fuck are you doing in my classroom.

Umbridge: Oh don't mind me, I'm just here to mess up your life for all time, Professor…Trelawney, is it?

Trelawney: *sigh* Yeah.

Umbridge: You see, in a bid to further take over the school, the Ministry has asked me to get rid of any and all teachers they might feel unsavory, and since Divination has been seen by many to be a thoroughly useless subject on the whole, I figured that I'd be able to get rid of you with minimal trouble. And as I report directly to Cornelius, there will be a considerable amount of pressure placed upon you to not screw up your only chance. Please do go on. I'm just a fly on the wall.

Trelawney: …But that's useless, even if you were I'd be heavily distracted and want to do nothing more than swat you so the annoying buzzing would finally stop.

Harry: Quite a good metaphor on the whole, really.

Umbridge: Did you say something, Mr. Potter?

Harry: Oh, nothing, Professor. Though I think you should know that this class makes me absolutely miserable and, according to it, I should be dropping dead any day now.

Umbridge: Oh. Well then, this class may just have a very good chance after all.

Trelawney: Sweet. So anyway, dream in—

Umbridge: Just one quick question before you start.

Trelawney: *sigh* Uh-huh.

Umbridge: You've had this job for how long, exactly?

Trelawney: Well I got it shortly before Mr. Potter and Mr. Longbottom were born, coincidentally.

Umbridge: So you've been protected by tenure. Great. And Dumbledore was the one who appointed you?

Trelawney: Yes. Rather kind thing he did, too, I'm afraid I wasn't feeling my best that day. In fact I zoned out right in the middle of our interview, but as soon as Dumbledore threw Snape out of the room he gave me the job. I will always be grateful to him for that, even if I don't precisely understand his reasoning behind it to this day.

Umbridge: No kidding. *makes a note* Now go on with the class.

Trelawney: You sure? No more questions?

Umbridge: Yes, I believe I have everything I need.

Trelawney: Oh. Right then. Awesome. Now the, the interpreta—

Umbridge: Oh I am sorry, dear, I should've mentioned that I'd interrupt you when you're trying to teach in order to make you seem even more incompetent than you already are. Just one more question, if it isn't too much of a bother. Could you please predict something for me?

Crabbe: Since when were we in this class?

Malfoy: Bugger if I know.

Goyle: I like this chick's style, though.

Malfoy: Indeed.

Trelwaney: Wait, you want me to do what?

Umbridge: Predict something. Surely you're not surprised I asked, as you must have foreseen it coming?

Harry: Hey, those jokes are only funny if we make them!

Ron: And don't call her Shirley!

Harry: Besides, she's got this in the bag! All she has to do is say that I die a particularly gruesome death and Umbridge will go singing her praises to the Minister! They'll never consider firing her again!

Trelawney: Yeah, too bad I didn't think about it and don't do that well under pressure.

Umbridge: Oh please? One teensy little prophecy I can take back to the Hall of Prophecy down in the Department of Mysteries that is in no way foreshadowing anything that is to come?

Trelawney: Uuuuhhhhhhhh…

Umbridge: *extremely high-pitched* No?

Every crystal ball in the room: *shatters*

Parvati: Come on, Professor Trelawney, you totally got this one!

Padma: MY TIE SHOULD BE BLUE, GODDAMN IT!

Trelwaney: …uuuuhhhhhhhhhhhh…

Umbridge: Pity. *makes a quick note and turns to walk away*

Rifftrax: I'll just have to break your thumbs, dear.

Trelwaney: No, wait! Wait, I think I do see something! Yes! I do, something dark…very dark…Oh. Wow. Wow. Um…That was far darker than I expected, actually…Er…The Inner Eye can be a heavy burden indeed, best not to burden you with this knowledge, actually.

Umbridge: Oh come now, my dear, can't you even do me the courtesy of proving that you know what you're doing?

Trelawney: No, I really think it's best if you don't know your fate. Of course, warning you may well prevent it, but it also may very well cause a self-fulfilling prophecy. In any case, it seems rather unavoidable, and I don't want it weighing on your heart as I have some semblance of a human soul.

Umbridge: Either you tell me or you lose your beloved job and will probably be tortured by Death Eaters until you give up another genuine prediction.

Trelawney: You're going to be gang raped by centaurs.

Ron: …That was more morbid than usual.

Harry: Not to mention specific…

Umbridge: That's nice. *makes one last note and walks out*

Trelawney: …I just noticed my nails are blue.

~And now back to the montage.~

Three random, slightly disheveled Gryffindors: Oh dear, she's coming this way…

Umbridge: *makes their ties strangle them, then gives them massive wedgies once she passes them*

~…Film One's Potions classroom was more well-lit with tannish stones. Eh, least this one seems more like it would be in the dungeons.~

Umbridge: You applied first for the Defense Against the Dark Arts position for the past fifteen years?

Snape: Yes…

Umbridge: But you were unsuccessful?

Snape: Class, I'm changing the syllabus so that we're working on a poison that boils your blood and makes your eyeballs explode.

Class: Sweet.

Ron: Wow, Snape's actually quite hysterical when he wants to be!

Umbridge: *shockingly leaves after no further comments*

Snape: I still love abusing children. *bashes Ron over the head, knocking him off his stool and rendering him unconscious*

Neville: …You really should've done that while she was still here, sir, you would've been promoted to headmaster or something.

Snape: *scoffs* There's no way I'd ever take that position for any reason.

Padma: You know who else would find this amusing? A Ravenclaw student.

Parvati: You're really starting to get annoying.

Padma: I really don't care.

~We never got to see her do Transfiguration. I can just imagine McGonagall saying, "So silly of me, but it sounds as if you're questioning my authority in my own classroom, Dolores." She'd get marked down for it, but it would still be awesome.~

Fred and George: Check it out, it's our firework prototype! Let's all have a bit of fun while it's still vaguely warm out and stuff!

Students: YAY WE LOVE TO HAVE FUN!

Umbridge: Yeah no. *points her wand at the firework, making it zoom into one of the twins' trousers and setting them on fire*

Twin on fire: OH GOD THE AGONY.

Other twin: Transfer it to her, quick!

Muggle-borns: Has no one in this world heard of Stop, Drop, and Roll?

Umbridge: I have a kitty thingy on every article of clothing I own. This is bordering on sad…Let me guess, I'm allergic to cats and yet love kittens and that's why I'm so bitter at the world. You'd think that we would've developed a cure for allergies…maybe it was pushed out of the way because St. Mungo's felt that attempting to cure lycanthropy was more important or something, but who cares about people who are starving in the streets and young children having to endure obscene amounts of agony on a monthly basis when I WANT A KITTY.

Fred and George: What a silly bunt.

~The more irrational and inhumane a person is, the more you struggle to come up with an explanation as to why they suck ever so much. And fail.~

Filch: *is just putting up more crap, don't mind him*

Umbridge's face: *is still onscreen, making us read what the decrees are to avoid looking at her putrescence*

Educational Decree No. 24: No music is to be played even though studies in the Muggle World show that it can actually enhance concentration for some.

Educational Decree No. 30: All Weasley products will be banned immediately, causing sales to go up as that's what happens when one bans something. Also it could be argued that this could extend to the actual Weasley children currently in attendance, as they are indeed products of their Weasley parents.

Weasley children: Sweet.

Educational Decree No. 30: But that would make them too happy, so we're ignoring this loophole.

Weasley children: Aww, man!

Educational Decree No. 46: Proper dress and decorum is to be maintained at all times, so if you're too poor to afford the proper clothing or if it keeps getting stolen, we'll chuck you out on your ass. And really, what is proper decorum anyway, it changes depending on the situation, you're not going to be extra special super polite to your best friend or even with the professor you get on with, now are you?

~My philosophy professor reminded me of Umbridge for this exact reason.~

Filch: Meow meow meow, mrow, meow.

Students: Was a sight gag with the ladder really necessary?

Parvati: Wow, we're in these scenes a lot.

Padma: Yes, and except for the three Hufflepuffs and solitary Slytherin, this group seems to be made up of Gryffindors and Ravenclaws.

~And since we already covered Divination, let's move on to Charms…Chorus…Okay, does Flitwick even teach Charms anymore or what?~

Umbridge: Yeah, remember the part where there was no music to be played during class hours? This counts.

Flitwick: Oh you're just pissed because apart from Dumbledore's line in Book One and music being generally awesome as a way to bring people together, this has absolutely nothing to do with magic.

Umbridge: Yep. I also hate midgets.

Flitwick: Oh joy.

~Holy crap, I just saw a Hufflepuff chatting with a Slytherin at the start of this scene. SEE THE HOUSES COULD TOTALLY COEXIST.~

Students: WE ARE TALKING ABOUT SOMETHING.

Harry: Cho, what's going on?

Cho: I know it's about Professor Trelawney, but I don't really care so I'm just going to get on back up to the school. Later, Harry!

Filch: Meow. *drags out the last of Trelawney's bags*

Trelawney: Merlin's candle-scented bathroom, my entire life is crashing down around me!

Students: Let's just stand here and watch!

Harry: Hi, guys!

Ron: I'm just gonna sulk in the backround, m'kay? M'kay.

Hermione: Cool, I'm gonna stare at Harry as if he's going to reveal he has bombs wrapped around him under his robes and is gonna run right at Umbridge.

Ron: Don't give him ideas!

Padma: My scarf. Should also. Be blue.

Umbridge: Oh how I love emotionally torturing people in front of an audience.

Trelawney: I still can't believe this, I don't think anything's fully sunken in yet…

Umbridge: Well, Sybill, the point that I'm trying to make is that…your ass is fired.

Trelawney: …What?

Umbridge: Dumbledore may have taken pity on you, because you're a worthless little piece of poo, but there is no room in my school for a washed up little toilet turd like you. Now you got twenty minutes to get out of my castle.

Trelawney: *trips on one of her suitcases and falls flat on her face*

Students: WE ARE SYMPATHETIC.

Parvati: And I am crying. Where the hell is Lavender, she should be here!

Trelawney: *starts sniffing*

Umbridge: I'm sorry, did I make you cry, you chubby little fuck?

Trelawney: *gets up* I have literally lived here for the past sixteen years. If you drive me out of here, I'll be completely homeless! Look inside yourself, find that one last ounce of humanity, it'll tell you that this is wrong!

Umbridge: Hang on a tick…Nope! Nothing there.

Trelawney: Sigh, I saw that one coming.

Umbridge: I'm sure you did.

McGonagall: Out of my way, Potter.

Harry: Wha…Where did you come from? Hang continuity, you must have Apparated just now!

McGonagall: I'm a brisk walker, we've been over this.

Harry: Oy vey.

McGonagall: *walks over to Trelawney and hugs her, glaring at Umbridge*

Umbridge: Something you'd like to say, dear?

McGonagall: You're a cunt.

Doors: WE ARE OPENING DRAMATICALLY.

Dumbledore: I have a rash.

Umbridge: …That's nice.

Dumbledore: *walks forward* Professor McGonagall, might I ask you to ignore this bitchface and escort Sybill back inside the castle?

Trelawney: I WORSHIP THE GROUND YOU WALK ON.

Dumbledore: I know, I know.

McGonagall: *does what Dumbledore tells her to like always*

Umbridge: Dumbledore, I assume you have a replacement lined up?

Dumbledore: …Shit. Knew I forgot something.

Firenze: *has been renamed to Sir Not Appearing In This Film*

Book readers: Bugger.

Umbridge: You do remember that under Educational Decree No….I totally forgot which one it was, there are way too many of these damn things.

Dumbledore: Huh, would you like to get rid of some, I'm sure it'll make it easier for you to remember.

Umbridge: Nah, I'll look them up later. But I'm pretty sure one of them said that I—

Dumbledore: You have the power to dismiss my teachers.

Umbridge: …I was gonna say that I'm able to convert one of the deserted classrooms into Filch's new torture chamber, but okay.

Dumbledore: LOOPHOLE! You do not haoba have the authority to send them from the grounds.

Umbridge: Would you quit slurring, no one can ever comprehend your incoherent ramblings.

Dumbledore: I said that I'm the only one who can actually chuck former teachers out into the streets.

Umbridge: *explodes* I WILL DESTROY YOU! I WILL GRIND YOUR BONES TO MAKE MY BREAD. I WILL ERASE EVERYTHING THAT YOU EVER WERE. And I will have your job. Mark my words, Dumbledore. I'LL HAVE YOUR JOB!

Dumbledore: And now to fold like a complete pussy, visibly showing that she does, indeed, have all the power. Shoo, you worthless children, get the fuck outta my way!

Harry: Professor! Professor Dumbledore, I'd like to speak with you!

Rifftrax: Who's winning the House Cup? We haven't gotten an update on that in like, three movies!

Dumbledore: RUN AWAAAAAY! *runs awaaaaay*

Harry: Professor, I'd like to know why you're not speaking to me and why you've decided to keep me in the dark thereby making me even more miserable that you can't trust me even with basic information! *runs after him only to see that he's vanished and everyone else has gone to class or something; even Ron and Hermione, who were just with him, are nowhere to be found*

Filmmakers: OH YEAH DID WE MENTION THAT THIS KID FEELS ALONE AND ISOLATED AND OTHER SYNONYMS AS WELL? DID WE HAMMER THAT IN ENOUGH FOR YOU YET?

~Don't see why you're complaining; if Gambon refuses to stay in front of the camera, that's perfectly all right with me.~

Review or I will change the rating to the lowest one available. XD


	7. Teh REAL LIFE SUCKS

Disclaimer: I do not own anything from the film/book Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, any other movie, book, or game in the series, A Very Potter Sequel, the Nostalgia Critic's review of Casper, Harry Potter and the Half-Assed Parody, Kung Pow: Enter the Fist, Gurren Laggan, Code MENT, Star Wars, None Piece, Madagascar, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, or Rifftrax.

~So yeah, fun times are being had by all.~

Hermione's eyebrows: That evil bleeding fuckface! We're not learning any kind of magic, we'll be absolutely hopeless if we come across any Dark wizards or other adults trying to murder us and our loved ones, and we'll completely bomb the OWLs! GAH WHAT IS MY PURPOSE IN LIFE.

Harry: Only the Defense one, we still have a shot at passing the rest of them. The movie never really covers exactly what the OWLs are, come to think of it—

Hermione: IF I DON'T GET TWELVE OUTSTANDINGS I'M GOING TO KILL MYSELF!

Harry: …You're only taking ten classes, I don't think it's possible—

Hermione: STOP BRINGING ME DOWN!

Ron: It doesn't seem that late, why are we the only ones still in the common room as usual?

Harry: Hang on, Fudge is about to say something stupid as usual. *turns up wireless*

Fudge: The education of our children is always a government's number one priority, which is why we insist on stifling their learning environments by instilling a shitload of laws that make it impossible for them to actually learn anything. Also no, I'm not going to talk about anything other than Hogwarts, don't bother asking—Oh fine, whatever bad stuff's going on right now, let's just say Sirius Black is behind it and have done with it.

Sirius: TIMING!

Harry: Hey man.

Sirius: Hey.

Harry: Sooooo…what up?

Sirius: Apparently you mentioned Umbridge in your letter even if it wasn't included in the voiceover. Figured you might want to bitch about her for a while. Moony wanted to join us, but he's presumably doing something for the Order and I'm not sure fireplaces can handle a three-way call in any case.

Harry: Pity, I figured he'd be about as brutal as McGonagall, we could've used some more ammunition.

Ron: Didn't the part about Umbridge hating on supposed half-breeds get cut for time though?

Hermione: Yep! Why bother including anything that might involve the director's favorite character in any way.

Sirius: I think we're just lucky the poor sod's even in the movie at all. Anyway, what is the bitch up to? Is she training you to kill half-breeds? Because if she was, then at least you'd be learning something and would probably be able to defend yourselves against Greyback or something. Not all Dark creatures are as nice as Remus, after all, just like all wizards aren't as nice as the Weasleys, but why bother pointing that out ever.

Movie watchers: They phoned this one in…though the effect does look a lot less disturbing…

Book watchers: Are you kidding? This is way better, it's exactly how we pictured it!

Harry: She's not letting us use magic at all. What's the point of a fantasy story that revolves around magic if we're not even allowed to use it?

Sirius: Yeah, figured it'd be something like that. According to the people who are barely managing to hold onto their jobs, the Ministry doesn't want you guys trained in combat.

Ron: Combat? What, do they think we're forming some sort of wizard army under the lead of Dumbledore so he can take over the Ministry even though he could've easily taken the job the last few times it was offered to him?

Sirius: Yep, Fudge is quite a dumbass. Moving on, the others don't want you lot to know a damn thing as usual, but I don't particularly care and they can do nothing at present to stop me so I'm just gonna be honest and tell you that things aren't going too well with the Order. The Ministry's making it more and more difficult for us to do anything, and these disappearances that quite frankly took place last book are just how things started last time. You'd think the people in charge would recognize the signs, but this is exactly why history continues to repeat itself. Also Voldemort is on the move, but I'm pretty sure you know that better than anyone so I don't know why I'm bothering to tell you something you already know.

Harry: Well can you at least give us some advice on what we can do in the meantime?

Sirius: I just heard someone coming! Crap, I better be off.

Ron: *looks over his shoulder* It wasn't on our end, must've been yours. You can stay a bit longer if you like.

Sirius: I would, but my knees are starting to kill me. I better go.

Harry: Well, you'll check in on us again later, right?

Sirius: 'Fraid not.

Harry: …Why? It's not like the Ministry's monitoring the Floo Network or anything.

Sirius: You naïve sod. Also don't write any letters to me either.

Harry: Oh come on, you're not saying the Ministry's monitoring our mail!

Sirius: Yeppers!

Harry: All of this would have kind of been good to know in this version to explain why you failed to help us.

Sirius: Sorry about that, little one, but it looks like you're on your own. *leaves*

Rifftrax: Sure, I could toast you a quick marshmallow but that won't stop Voldemort from murdering you and your friends. So long!

Ron: Right little ray of sunshine, isn't he?

Harry: Eh, better than last year.

Ron: He still fails, though.

Hermione: I'm going to walk over to the window and stare at this random storm.

Harry and Ron: We'll get up and follow you for no explicable reason.

Hermione: He really is out there, isn't he.

Harry: …You bitch! What have we been talking about this entire fucking movie? Here I was doing marginally okay because I thought I had both of my best friends on my side from the start, a pleasant change from last year, I can assure you of that—

Ron: I am so sorry—

Harry: I know, I'm over it, moving on. But now I find out that you've apparently just been humoring me all fucking year, is that what's happening here?

Hermione: No, of course not! I think it might've just sunken in, that's all!

Harry: You didn't get that when I turned up with a fucking dead body?

Hermione: Look, I didn't mean it like that! I doubt I meant it at all! Blame the new screenwriter, not me!

Harry: …Fine, but I'm warning you.

Hermione: I'm quaking in my boots.

Harry: You should be.

Hermione's eyebrows: Uh-huh. Anyway, we've got to be able to defend ourselves.

Harry: …I think I'm pretty much set, actually, I've learned all the spells I normally use so I don't really have to do much else.

Hermione: That's nice, but Ron and I haven't, and neither have any of the others, I assume.

Harry: Oh yeah. That sucks.

Hermione's eyebrows: So if Umbridge refuses to teach us how, we need someone who will.

Harry: Okay, but I don't know how we're gonna sneak Remus into the castle, though it would kind of be freaking awesome if we did—

Hermione: I wasn't talking about Remus.

Harry: Then who—No. Nuh-uh. No fucking way will you ever convince me to do this.

Hermione: I implore you to reconsider.

Harry: Hmm…Okay.

Ron: …So when did your hair turn blonde, Hermione?

Hermione: I think it's just the lighting.

Ron: Here's hoping, you look sort of…odd…as a blonde. You also look vaguely nauseous, do you want a bucket or something?

Hermione: No, it's just my normal expression, don't worry about it.

~The rain outside morphs into a cloud of snow in the shape of Voldemort's face that whispers Harry's name. Um…why?~

Audience: Hogsmeade is teh pretty…there are three silhouettes alone in the village with practically no one else, are the trio the only people in Hogsmeade, what gives?

Harry: I thought I wasn't allowed to come here.

Hermione: Sirius apparently gave his permission offscreen.

Ron: We can assume that Sirius also gave me Pig offscreen. Where he's been staying.

Harry: So back on topic, Hermione, you are insane, no one will want to be taught my the supposed crazy guy even though the movie's downplayed the crazy and just went with the lying liar who lies.

Ron: I actually think you'll get a bit of a crowd, people will be looking for any excuse to not be taught by Toad Face, even if they have to take lessons from a barely competent scrawny git like yourself.

Harry: Thanks, Ron.

Ron: I'm here for you, mate.

Harry: So who's supposed to be meeting us, then?

Hermione: About twenty people or so, maybe more.

Harry: I WILL KILL YOU IN YOUR SLEEP.

Hermione: Good luck getting into the girls' dorm.

Harry: …Bugger.

Random rat: Don't get excited, I'm not Scabbers/Peter/Wormtail/No One Cares.

Sirius and Remus: Curses, foiled again!

Harry: You guys aren't Siriusly going to check each and every rat in the UK, are you?

Sirius: Well of course! We always snatch victory right from the jaws of defeat! And that's what we'll keep doing, AS LONG AS IT TAKES!

Remus: SMASHING THROUGH BOTH KARMA AND FATE!

Sirius: THE SCREAMS OF LIFE ECHO ACROSS THE GALAXY!

Harry: …You two can't be serious.

Sirius: Harry, you should know better than anyone that I'm always Sirius. Just who the hell do you think I am?

Harry: No one ever knows what you're talking about.

Remus: Oh, you're no fun anymore. *leaves with Sirius*

Hermione: *opens door*

Ron: Oh it's gorgeous, you couldn't have picked a more delightful place!

Actual hog's head on the wall: Shut it.

Aberforth: I am old and fat and I have a shitty beard.

Book readers: That is not supposed to be Aberforth.

Jim McManus: Don't worry, I'll be replaced with Ciarán Hinds soon enough.

Book readers: Will he have a better beard than that? PLEASE TELL US HE'LL HAVE A BETTER BEARD THAN THAT.

Jim McManus: Not only that, but he'll act even grouchier than Michael Gambon!

Book readers: THAT'S NOT TRUE! THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE!

Jim McManus: Search your feelings, you know it to be true!

Matey the Goat: CAMEO!

Book readers: LOLOLOL.

Movie watchers: …We don't want to know.

Book readers: It's okay, I don't think we do either.

Hermione: Anyway, I thought it would be better to go somewhere isolated. The Three Broomsticks is always packed with people—

Sirius: —which means you'd have been harder to overhear. You've got a lot to learn, Hermione.

Hermione: Quiet, you.

~FIVE SECONDS LATER.~

Hermione's eyebrows: HOW DID YOU ALL GET IN HERE.

"A couple of people" translated to about twenty-four that can be easily seen: Yo.

Nigel: I'm in second year at least, what the hell am I doing here? Furthermore, Dennis had this same problem in the book, Hogsmeade visits are only for third years and up, did the twins tell him about the Honeydukes passageway or something, and if so why would they do that for someone that annoying, it makes no sense!

Ginny: I am presumably sitting next to Michael Corner. This makes me a whore for dating more than one person in my entire life, because men can go after as much pussy as they want but if women even look at more than one man we are lower than trash.

iheartmwpp: Siriusly, a shocking amount of people seem to feel this way about Ginny on the intertubes. Um…Fuck you.

Hermione's eyebrows: ANYWAY. We need to get to the actual fun part of the book for those who aren't thoroughly amused by Snape's Worst Memory by having private lessons taught by someone who doesn't suck. Now I know that this guy staring at me as though he wants to tear out my liver and feed it to Buckbeak doesn't actually have much experience actually teaching, but he does have about four years of experience fighting the forces of darkness to prevent them from consuming us all, so I say we give him a chance.

Zacharias: Why?

Ron: …You're in our year, do you not want to pass your Defense OWL?

Zacharias: Evidently not.

Ron: Oh. Well anyway, Voldemort's sodding back, you bleedin' wanker and other Britishisms!

Zacharias: So Potter says.

Hermione: So Dumbledore says.

Zacharias: Dumbledore's word ain't exactly gospel, remember that time he left a baby unprotected on a doorstep in November at an age where he might've just got up and walked away? Or how about the time where he directly lied to someone about his greatest desire, claiming it was socks? Also Potter's just a kid, and therefore can never be trustworthy or be telling the truth ever.

Harry: …I actually look pretty damn good in this shot, even if I am practically balding.

Michael: Potter could tell us about how Diggory got killed.

Ginny: That's it, we're done.

Michael: Whatever, I'll just have to snuggle up to Chang—

Cho: I'm into Harry at the moment, talk to me again at the end of the year.

Michael: Works for me!

Luna: I seem intrigued.

Cho: …About what?

Luna: About how Cedric died.

Cho: OH. YES, I WOULD LIKE TO KNOW THIS.

Random black kid from the third movie whose name I refuse to acknowledge: Hi, I'm blurry in the background!

iheartmwpp: WHO THE FUCK IS THIS KID.

Harry: Look, all that stuff was incredibly horrible, and due to a lack of a decent support system for a solid month immediately afterward coupled with a bunch of other shit going on in my life I'm not even close to have gotten over any of this. Ergo, I don't. Want. To talk about it. If that's all you came here for, GTFO. *whispers loudly to Hermione* Siriusly, they will be searching for weeks to find the rest of your innards.

Hermione: Oh come on, I swear they came here for more than this!

Vast majority: Actually—

Luna: I somehow know that you can produce a Patronus Charm.

Hermione's eyebrows: Yes. I've seen it. As you all did in the book during the Gryffindor vs. Ravenclaw match.

Dean: Blimey, Harry! Despite what Hermione just said and the fact that since the Patronus Charm is such an advanced piece of magic that it really shouldn't be common knowledge until you teach it to us, I am thoroughly impressed!

Neville: And he killed a basilisk with the sword in Dumbledore's office! It's not like he had help from Dumbledore's phoenix or from the giant snake refusing to possess the traits common to all snakes and being completely devoid of a sense of smell!

Ginny: It's true! I was there!

Harry: You were unconscious.

Ginny: Eh, details.

Ron: Third year, he fought off about a hundred dementors at once with the same Patronus Charm we've already discussed.

Harry: You were either being held back by Snape or were also unconscious.

Ron: Hey yeah, thanks for leaving me behind to be devoured by a werewolf. 'Preciate it.

Hermione: …Eh heh…

Harry: *stands up* Look, it all sounds great when you say it like that…and really, I'm not sure why I'm not even more fucked up or why Ron and Hermione aren't at my current level of fucked up, but these two were instrumental in my survival, as were a shitload of other people.

Hermione's eyebrows: He's just being modest—

Harry: Would you shut the fuck up for once.

Rifftrax: Siriusly, I can't even dress myself! Ron does it every morning!

Daniel Radcliffe: I have so many deeply embarrassing moments. In the fifth film, I had to give this big kind of Henry V type speech, the stirring leadership speech…and I got to the end of a take, and somebody pointed out that I had my shoes on the wrong feet.

Harry: You'll be surprised to learn that real life isn't like school at all. In school all you have to worry about is the essay due in a few weeks or end of year exams or something. In real life, you'll have to get a job, probably a license so you can go to said job, and all the money you make will end up going to bills or insurance or gas and you'll be lucky to have enough money left to feed yourself, and all the while you'll be struggling to pay off your enormous college debts that'll likely last you the rest of your life. This is assuming you can even find a job in the first place, who knows how long you'll be stuck living with the people who raised you, hopefully you have a good enough relationship with them so they won't wake up with a knife lodged in their eye socket.

Fred and George: Whoa. Deep.

Kids: WE ARE HAVING VARIOUS REACTION SHOCKS.

Harry: Oh and you may have to deal with people who want to kill you because of your parentage. Or race. Or religion. Or sexuality. Or any other vast number of stupid reasons. And you may be tortured horribly or watch your friends be killed or tortured horribly. It kinda sucks. *sits back down*

Hermione: You're right, Harry, and we have been living such privileged lifestyles that we have no idea what any of that must be like. So we need you to teach us what that is like, because if we hear about it, we can understand it perfectly and we'll know how to deal with it when the time comes, never mind that one cannot actually understand what it's like to have to go through a traumatic event unless they actually go through it and everyone deals with trauma and grief differently. Because if we're ever going to have a chance at beating…Voldemort.

Harry: No one is surprised, you were fine with saying his name in the first two movies.

Audience: CONTINUITY! THIS SERIES HAS NONE!

Harry: …Well?

Hermione: …Well what?

Harry: It didn't sound like the sentence was finished.

Hermione: …Well it was.

Harry: …Okay…

Nigel: I'm like six, I don't even know what's going on!

Harry: All righty then.

~Cho and Luna both keep staring at him…~

Hermione: Pardon me while I continue to glance warily at Harry as if expecting him to blow up any second now.

Harry: Don't worry, that's only going to happen if you KEEP DOING THAT. STOP IT.

Ron: I'm the only one of us who is actually happy that we're getting something done. Thanks, George.

George: No problem, little bro.

Fred: I think this is actually our own legitimate handwriting, too. Weird.

Padma: Hopefully the name "Dumbledore's Army" won't come back to bite us later. How did we even come up with that name in this version, anyway?

Parvati: …Shouldn't you be complaining about not being in Ravenclaw right about now?

Padma: Nah, I'm not wearing blatant Gryffindor crap right now. Instead I'm just in Muggle clothing like the rest of us. Because that makes sense.

Hannah: Unlike last film, I don't think half of our actors are actually here.

Susan: Who cares, let's just pretend we are so iheart can drag in a bunch of us for random lines of dialogue and various wacky hijinks.

Terry: Sounds good to me...Wait, why are we all signing this with pencils?

Justin: We sure this won't be left lying around?

Hermione: Don't worry, I will guard this list with my life. And this axe pick. I like to stab things.

Ernie: I believe the proper term would be…impale.

Hermione: Yes, impale. I do that too.

Cho: You still play that song you wrote me?

Harry: Yep.

Cho: Awesome.

Harry: Score! *fist-pumps Ron*

Hermione: Wonder how long it'll take for him to screw this up…

Harry: Thanks, Hermione.

Hermione: I'm here for you, mate.

~Later, on that fucking bridge from Film Three that couldn't be bothered to explode yet…~

Harry: Well we've got our underground student army recruited…so where the fuck are we supposed to train them.

Ginny: The Shrieking Shack?

Fred: Wait, you know how to get in there?

George: We don't even know how to get in there!

Ginny: I…don't know how to either, I'm just reading the very few lines I'm given and being grateful that the filmmakers are at least bothering to acknowledge my existence, leave me alone.

Harry: Well if it had been only a couple of people, that might've been feasibly possible. *glares at Hermione* But as we've got like thirty people to worry about, it's way too freaking small. Plus it'll probably be pretty noticeable if all of us head down to the Whomping Willow in mass droves. Not to mention that I still don't have clearance yet despite everything, damn tree…

Fred: Oh, so that's where that tunnel leads.

George: Now how to get the tree to stop moving long enough for us to get down it…

Fred: Yeah, it's not like we could just cast immobulus on it, that would just be idiotic.

Ron: No kidding, imagine if a few kids tried that for a laugh twenty years ago and it happened to be a full moon, that would just suck.

George: Okay, you clearly know something. Cough up.

Ron: Ask Moony or Padfoot.

Fred and George: YOU KNOW MOONY AND PADFOOT?

Ron: You know Moony and Padfoot!

Fred: Yeah, but it's not that clear if we know that those are their nicknames or not!

George: And if we did, you'd expect us to blatantly hero-worship them on page or something.

Harry: Merlin's Miracle Elixir, this is a long bridge. Can we get back to suggestions?

Hermione: The Forbidden Forest?

Ron: Thought it was the Dark Forest.

Hermione: Oh who even cares.

Ron: Also no, we might run into acromantulas or another fucking dead body or something, plus there's the possibility of being caught heading down there en masse again.

Neville: Thanks for letting me hang out, you guys.

Harry: You're going to start getting severely badass in this film, we can't hold you back from that!

Ginny: Harry, I have another line! Pay attention to me! Also it would kind of suck if Umbridge found out what we were doing.

Hermione: I'm cutting over Harry and making him focus on me instead!

Ginny: *clenches teeth* You're not helping, here!

Hermione: I mean, it's sort of exciting, isn't it? Breaking the rules.

Ron: Huh. And here I thought you were in it for the OWLs.

Hermione: There are some things that are more important than superfluous grades.

Ron: *dies of shock*

Fred and George: WE FOUND SOMEONE NEW TO WORSHIP!

Hermione: As you should. Also I noticed that Cho kept staring at Harry for the whole meeting.

Harry: BOO-YAH!

Ginny: I'M GONNA KILL YOU, HERMIONE! I'M GONNA STRANGLE YOU! THEN I'M GONNA BURY YOU, THEN DIG YOU UP AND CLONE YOU, AND KILL ALL YOUR CLONES! AND AFTER THAT, I'M NEVER TALKING TO YOU AGAIN.

Hermione: Uh-huh.

Harry: It really sucks that I don't bother to keep my voice down or to look around to see if there's anyone watching us talk. As the place is mostly deserted, my voice kind of carries as I talk about how we need to find a place in which to practice stupidly-made-illegal activities. And we have to make sure that terrible horrid bitch doesn't find us.

Umbridge: *bursts into song* Too bad you a loser/Too bad you waste my time/Good thing that I'm around to/Keep your ass in liiiiiiiiine!

Filch: …Meow?

Umbridge: YOU SAW NOTHING!

~I have no idea where this deleted scene is supposed to go, so…here.~

Luna: I'm just watching as Malfoy, Crabbe, and Goyle shove around some random first year student while doing nothing to help. Then again, I could be in complete shock that they're bullying him in a strictly Muggle fashion, resorting only to shoving him back and forth between them and throwing snowballs and that's it. Also they're torturing one of their own House mates. What the fuck is wrong with these people.

~By the way, the current eyebrow count qualifies as the Ultimate Question to Life, the Universe, and Everything.~

Review or you will be forced to watch Aberforth perform those inappropriate charms on that goat. And I don't think they'll be the ones that JKR told the eight-year-old about.


	8. Teh PUT YOURSELF TO THE TEST

Disclaimer: I do not own anything from the film/book Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, any other movie, book, or game in the series, A Very Potter Sequel, Pokémon 'Bridged, Berserk Abridged, Kickassia, Yu-Gi-Oh! Abridged, or Rifftrax.

~Hey look, Filch is hammering something useless into the wall again. Everyone take a shot.~

Umbridge: Attention, all Hogwarts students? Dis Umbridge. We appear to be on Educational Decree No. 68 now, and this means that there will be no more student organizations because you all suck. You can assume that this means Quidditch as well, but considering there wasn't gonna be any Quidditch in the movie to begin with, no one really cares. All right, that's all! Bye! Have fun! Der der der der der…

Neville: Still trying to think of a place we can train at, and if I'm truly mean to take Dobby's place, does that mean Bitchface The Strange will end up knifing me in Film Seven? Because that would kind of suck—Ow in the shoulders.

Goyle: You kinda smell.

Crabbe: HEY EVERYONE! LONGBOTTOM SMELLS!

Rifftrax: Their mutilated bodies were found later that day.

Neville: Siriusly, even those two are wearing Muggle clothes like the rest of us, what the hell—Oh hey, a door mysteriously materializing in front of me that appears in no way suspicious.

Doors: WE ARE OPENING.

Neville: Holy shit, I gotta tell the others about this—

Hermione: You've done it, Neville!

Neville: HOLY SHIT WHEN THE FUCK DID YOU GET HERE HAVE YOU BEEN STALKING ME THIS WHOLE TIME WHY DO SOME PEOPLE STILL HAVE THEIR CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP IN MAY.

Hermione: Apparently I somehow know about the Room of Requirement even though it's highly unlikely that any book would've recorded such a place as it seems more suitable for it to be passed down through word of mouth or by actual discovery if a person gets lucky!

Ron: What the fuck you on about?

Hermione: It's also known as the Come and Go Room even if it will never be called that? The Room of Requirement only appears whenever someone really needs something and always has everything you would need. Except food, but other than that, it's a pretty sweet deal.

Book readers: So if we require the room to look like a spacious room lined with bookcases and cushions on the ground and random Dark Detectors that'll never be used, the film will accommodate us, then?

Filmmakers: *laugh uproariously*

Ron: So…for an example that'll actually work…say you really needed a piss.

Hermione's eyebrows: …Charming, Ronald.

Ron: Hey, I'm paraphrasing Dumbledore here!

Hermione: Oh, in that case, you couldn't have given a better example.

Harry: I hate everything.

iheartmwpp: That's a reference to her being hesitant about Dobby's original suggestion despite her thinking that house-elves are brilliant, but instantly buttering up when she hears that Dumbledore knows about the room too. Just thought I'd unnecessarily hammer that in.

Harry: Still, well done Neville, it's perfect.

Neville: D'aaww, shucks.

~And now we switch to OH GOD WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT THING. Merlin's homemade coasters, could these transformations be any more abrupt?~

Harry and Neville: Huh. Apparently we were required to be given nightmares for the rest of our lives, who among us designed these so we can recommend a decent therapist?

DA members: Somehow we were all introduced to the room and started our lessons offscreen.

Book readers: They're really starting to cram in the shit now.

Neville: …So…

Harry: Well? What are you waiting for.

Neville: I thought you were gonna exposit on the cardigan you're wearing by referencing another interview.

Harry: Oh, right.

Daniel Radcliffe: From what I can understand, from teachers that I've spoken to, you tend to emulate the teacher that you really looked up to. And I think as Harry is this teacher and this leader, he, you know, he sort of looked up to Lupin and so…he's, he's sort of emulating him.

David Thewlis: When I first saw Dan after I'd been away for a long time on this, I came back and he… "It's good to see you, Dan, I haven't seen you for a while," and he says "You'd be very proud of me David, I've uh…When I play the Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher I've taken a few leaves out of your book and I try to play a little like Lupin would…take control of the class," and he…very proudly told me he wears a cardigan. *laughs*

Daniel Radcliffe: I don't know what the thought process must've been that morning, it's like subconsciously saying I'll go for the jumper — ah, no. No, I'll wear a cardigan today, I think.

Voice-over interviewer whatever: So wearing this inspirational wooly garment, Harry sets about the job in hand.

Neville: And here I thought it was just some jacket thing.

Harry: Shut up and cast expelliarmus.

Neville: M'kay. Expelliarmus!

Statue thing: How am I supposed to deflect it, I'm a freaking statue that's designed as a target, I can't actually be programmed to deflect spells or strike back! Otherwise these kids have basically formed some kind of intelligent life, they should be more focused on exploring that then continuously failing!

Nigel: NOT THE FACE! *ducks*

DA members: WOW you suck.

Neville: Oh great. Failing in front of the class as usual.

Harry: You did fine in our third year, you just need to work on your execution. Watch me: Expelliarmus!

Neville: Shit, I wasn't watching!

Harry: Don't sweat it, Neville. If everyone thinks you're weak, then they'll never see it coming when you get tired of their shit and stab them in their sleep.

Cho: OH GOD I'M SURROUNDED BY GRYFFINDORS MERLIN HELP ME.

Padma: You wouldn't be if I had been Sorted properly in the films—

Parvati: OH GET OVER IT.

Luna: …I'm right here.

~…There's gonna be a lot of transitions I'm gonna fail at in this section…~

Umbridge: You will now copy the entire book four times in order to memorize the whole thing. By doing this, hopefully some of you will learn how to properly structure a sentence, considering we don't have any English classes of any kind. MERLIN'S DORA THE EXPLORER BOX SETS I'M ACTUALLY TEACHING SOMETHING USEFUL WHAT IS THIS WHY IS THIS HAPPENING WHY COULDN'T I FIND A DECENT DEATHLY HALLOWS PART TWO CALENDAR THIS YEAR.

Students: OH GOD MY HANDS, PLEASE DON'T MAKE US WRITE ANYMORE. Plus side, this appears to be our only class for the rest of the year so it's the only one we have to worry about.

Umbridge: There will be no need to develop an opinion of your own.

Hermione's eyebrows: This bitch Siriusly needs to be defenestrated.

Neville: *practicing expelliarmus wand movement under the desk*

Umbridge: Did you say something?

Neville: Oh God no, I'm deathly afraid of you.

Umbridge: …

Neville: …

Umbridge: *punches him in the face*

~WHY CAN'T WE GO EVEN ONE CHAPTER WITHOUT HAVING TO MENTION THIS BITCH.~

Cho: Filch isn't really being all that subtle in his attempts to follow us, is he.

Whichever students are behind her: Nope.

Filch: Meow meow meow meow, meow meow meow meow. *hides behind a foot-tall flower pot*

Mrs. Norris: Hey look, what clearly appears to be a door fading into the wall! We should go tell Umbridge about this so she can install some Aurors around the perimeter, considering she probably still has enough influence at the Ministry to convince Fudge to spare them! Who knows, they might end up with Kingsley or something, who will just let them by and tell them he didn't see anything!

Filch: Meowowow, meow, prrrr, mrow meow.

Mrs. Norris: …Or we could just wait until we actually manage to open the door and catch them all, true, why should we be smart ever, you're right.

~And now to diverge from canon once again.~

Harry: Stunning is basically a knockout curse; once your opponent is hit with the jet of red light emanating from your wand, they are rendered unconscious unless you hit them with the counter spell, which is enervate. Make sure you know this, because if Nigel casts this properly, I will be knocked out until one of you tries to wake me up. I'm going to assume that it'll be Hermione, she's the one who did it for me repeatedly last year. I'm also trusting you to not strip me or draw on my face or humiliate me in any way.

Cho: I like watching him.

Neville: If a second-year manages to do this and I don't, then I have no further reason to live.

Random black kid from the third movie whose name I'm refusing to acknowledge: Check it out, I'm in Ravenclaw now! Tara Gilesbie was right, you can randomly change Houses whenever!

Padma: Then why haven't I swapped yet?

Parvati: AAAAAAAAAAARRRRGGGGGHHH!

Harry: Come on, Nigel! Attack me!

Nigel: I seem to have soiled myself.

Harry: You can change as soon as you try this out.

Nigel: …Stupefy!

Harry: *gets hit with a burst of air and falls over*

Nigel: *falls backward into the flames* OH GOD WHY.

Rifftrax: And Harry dies, due to massive trauma to the chest, a lacerated spleen, punctured lung, and—Oh, oh no, he's fine!

Harry: *gets back up* …I don't actually know how to put out fires, I think that's a sixth year spell—Oh, thanks, Katie. Now let that be a lesson to you, young man, that is what happens when you fail.

Ron: …Hate to tell you, but if you're trying to emulate Lupin, you're gonna have to be a little bit nicer—

Harry: Shut it, Ron, or I'll rip out your esophagus and feed it to you.

~This montage gives me rage of the Hogwarts variety.~

Filch: *sitting next to the wall, munching on cat food*

Mrs. Norris: Why am I even here.

~James has a slightly higher voice than Oliver, and I think Oliver's slightly taller. That's the only way I can tell the twins apart.~

Ron: And now for the new screenwriter to turn me into a misogynistic asshole. While it is true that I show some sexist tendencies on occasion, in canon I am usually in full acknowledgement of Hermione's powers and knowledge, and when we first start these meetings I'm lucky if I get a few shots in. Here, I'm just a dick.

Hermione: And I will get you back for saying such stupid things.

Ron: Good, I deserve it. Though if you could save some of that rage for the new screenwriter, I'd be appreciative.

Hermione: I'll think about it.

Guys: Yeah, come on, Ron! Beat that girl down, show we're not sexist because we don't automatically assuming that all women are weak! Kick her ass!

Girls: Let's not cheer Hermione on at all! WHEEEEEEEE!

Neville: Hang on, I know I'm in the way, give me a sec.

George: One sickle.

Fred: You're on…Wait, who's betting on who?

George: Iunno.

Zacharias: Yawn.

Neville: Good luck, mate.

Ron: Thanks, this fall's probably gonna bruise me a bit.

Hermione: Does Hermione have to choke a bitch?

Ron: Imma raise my wand first—

Hermione: STUPEFY!

Ron: Holy SHIT! *falls over*

Neville: …Never rooting for him again.

Fred: Apparently I had bet on Hermione.

George: Fuck you.

Rifftrax: And Ron's chest collapses, he cracks six vertebrae when he smacks the stone floor, they try to stop the internal bleeding, but…you know—Oh, he's fine.

Ron: And now to look tough in front of the brothers that I'm continually trying to impress but who insist on bringing me down at every opportunity.

Fred: Sure, sure, absolutely.

George: Siriusly. Fuck you.

Harry: Wow. Never thought I'd see Hermione fail before. Come on, Hermy, what part of red jet of light followed by unconsciousness is so difficult to grasp? I would've thought that you'd be the one to get it, at least!

Hermione: Shut up, I might actually make some female friends here aside from Ginny who I'm probably only friends with because we room together whenever I'm visiting you people.

Ron: …Well at least I'm not also failing at Quidditch this year.

~WE HAVE HIT THE ONE HOUR MARK! And we're not even at chapter ten yet, wow…~

Review or you'll be defenestrated with Umbridge. Tee hee, I learneded a big word...


	9. Teh AND SHOW US A PASSAGE OF TIME

Disclaimer: I do not own anything from the film/book Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, any other movie, book, or game in the series, A Very Potter Sequel, Kickassia, Sherlock, Code MENT, Final Fantasy X, Jimmy Neutron, Yu-Gi-Oh! Abridged, Potter Puppet Pals, Gurren Lagann, or Rifftrax.

~So let's start part two of this epic montage with a reference to something that unfortunately hardly anyone has seen. I'm sure no one's getting sick of the obscure references at all.~

Harry: Today, I'm going to teach you the element of surprise. *slaps Susan in the face* Surprise!

Susan: *slaps Harry in the face*

Harry: …You're learning.

~Well this is the most attractive thing I've ever seen.~

Filch: Zzzzzz…MEOW MEOW!

Mrs. Norris: WHY AM I HERE.

DA members: Ha ha, we had a door on the other side to blatantly avoid them, it is funneh.

~Siriusly, I should've suggested a drinking game for all the times Filch nails a decree into the wall…though considering we're on Educational Decree No. 82, all of you would be dead.~

Rifftrax: We are looking at something.

Cho: This does not bode well.

Fred and George: Why are we hanging out with the Ravenclaws?

Educational Decree No. 82: All students will be submitted to questioning about suspected illegal activities, except for the main cast who get away without this kind of treatment, and honestly, teachers can just drag off students for questioning whenever they want if they think something Sirius is going on, there didn't really need to be a decree about this. Now you're just making it so the students can prepare decent-ish lies about what they've been doing, instead of randomly springing the interrogation on them so they're completely unprepared and are more likely to fold under pressure! YOU. FAIL.

Umbridge: Come here! Come here, oh who's a good little student, you are!

Students: Go swallow a mouthful of razorblades.

Umbridge: Random student #186, would you like a cup of tea?

Random student #186: No thanks.

Umbridge: WHO DISRESPECTING UMBRIDGE.

Random student #186: Okay, okay!

Cup of tea: I AM MENACING. And probably laced with Veritaserum. Which is actually quite menacing indeed.

Umbridge: *closes the door…OMINOUSLY!*

~Why do I desperately want to work on anything but this right now?~

Harry: Okay, I saw you get the wand movement right in our last normal DADA class, try it now.

Neville: *totally doesn't do the right wand movement*

Harry: …I'm starting to get a tad impatient, in the books you had vastly improved by this point.

iheartmwpp: *flops onto the couch and sighs* …Bored.

Harry: What?

iheartmwpp: Bored! *shoots smiley face into the wall*

Harry: …OKAY, so how are you guys doing?

DA members: *are holding Nigel up with levicorpus*

Book readers: …They did not just use Levicorpus. That just doesn't work, that was one of the Prince's original spells and therefore shouldn't be learned until next film, if ever! And that's not even how that spell works! It's nonverbal, first of all, and second it's supposed to hoist the victim up by their ankle and embarrass and humiliate them beyond all reason so they would say things they wouldn't normally say in their anger and frustration! It's not some cheap knock-off of Wingardium Leviosa! What are these people doing?

Harry: You're actually doing it perfectly according to the extremely low standards of the movie, but I need an excuse to touch your hand.

Ron: *gigglesnort*

Cho: I AM DISTRACT.

Nigel: I AM FALLING—ow my spine.

Harry: Walk it off.

~With people like Fred and George Weasley hanging about, you'd think that Filch would know better than to eat candy that's lying around, especially if it was addressed to him.~

Filch: Prrrrrrrrrrrrrr, prrrrrrrrrrr, prrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

Fred: We're being about as sneaky as he is right now.

George: Yeah, we should've asked Harry if we could borrow his Cloak or ask for the Map back for a bit or something.

Fred: This is assuming we even know about the Cloak or if he'd lend us either one.

George: Yar.

~How does no one ever notice it when people are hiding just out of sight behind corners? IT'S SO STUPID.~

Umbridge: So I was thinking about a different way to discipline the childrens. Like with this axe that I've been sharpening all day? *picks up axe, then stares down at it in surprise* I don't remember doing that…but I must have.

Filch: …Meow… *head asplodes*

Umbridge: Eurgh, you got that all over my robes! Clean up after yourself this instant!

Filch: Meow, mrow meow, meow meow meow, prrrr, meow!

Umbridge: Of course not, Filch. That would be crazy. And we can't have crazy people running the school. *strokes axe lovingly*

~In the original, she was holding a pencil. Wizards do not use pencils. Either stop persecuting Muggles and embrace their culture, or stop using their tools.~

Harry: Well I've got yet another detention with Umbridge for breathing oxygen, so I need you all to stay here and do something productive while I'm gone. And I swear to Merlin, if I find one of those Mountain Dews missing, I will slap the shit outta Antony.

Antony: What do you mean—

Harry: I AM ON YOU LIKE A HAWK!

~References to funnier things keep me awake.~

Filch: Meow meow.

Mrs. Norris: The ladder's gonna fall over! He might suffer a grievous injury!

Students: Sweet.

Umbridge: Student activities and gatherings are still suspended, except for the one run by me that is actually kind of illegal for me to do, but who cares when laws directly contradict each other, nothing bad ever happens when this is the case.

~The DA, then Umbridge, then the DA, then Filch, then the DA…I need an Awakening Potion.~

Nigel: Diminuendo! Wow, this spell is so cool, I can't wait to see its practical application in battle!

~AH HA HA HA HA HA HA!~

Malfoy and gang: YAY OUR BULLYING IS GOVERNMENT SANCTIONED!

Filch: Meow!

Malfoy: …There goes our street cred.

~Are we done yet?~

Harry: Hard work is all well and good, but believing in yourself is more important.

Padma: …So if we don't bother doing any work and just believe that we can do it, we'll be able to pull it off perfectly?

Harry: Oh stop being such a Ravenclaw.

Padma: NEVER! And answer the fucking question.

Harry: Well, you do need to work hard, but you also need to believe that you can actually accomplish whatever it is you're doing. If you believe you're going to fail, then you're going to fail.

Alicia: …I've been failing practically all my Potions essays so far this year. I completely half-assed our latest assignment because I just didn't care anymore. Not only that, but I was doing a topic Snape didn't want me to do out of spite, so I fully expected him to give me a T out of spite in return instead of the P it probably deserved. Instead I got an E+. I've been half-assing the rest of my assignments in most of my classes now, except for the ones I legitimately enjoy, and have achieved very similar results.

Harry: …Don't listen to her. All of the most badass people in the world were our age once. If they can be awesome, why can't we? I'll tell you why, BECAUSE YOU ALL SUCK.

Ron: …You just gave up entirely on emulating Lupin, didn't you.

Harry: I don't know what you're on about.

~Alicia literally just described my entire school career.~

Luna: Millions of people will start skipping in the halls now because of this scene…for a few days. Then they'll notice how much they're getting laughed at and go back to trying to conform to society like the cowards they are.

iheartmwpp: Takes one to know one!

Malfoy: …Anyone else feel awkward about stalking a young girl?

Crabbe, Goyle, and Filch: Naaaaah.

Malfoy: I really need to expand my circle of friends.

All of them: RUNNING!

~Should I keep doing transition thingies for scenes like this?~

Statue: WHY ARE YOU ALL PICKING ON ME?

~Eh, fuck it, Imma do it anyway.~

Filch and the others: MORE RUNNING!

~Though these are probably getting really old really fast.~

Harry: Yay, not all of you fail at life!

Ron: Again, kindness, one would think that with all those private lessons Lupin gave you it would've rubbed off by now!

Harry: Come on, that was a compliment!

~It's really just a way for me to drag this out for you guys so it'll seem like I'm getting more done this week when I'm actually not giving you guys anything of substance.~

Filch and the others: EVEN MORE RUNNING!

Door: I AM SHRINKING.

~I'll try to go back to ridiculously longer chapters as soon as I hit spring break or something, but I still might be doing stuff then, so we'll see.~

Luna: I seem to be doing well. Must be the calming influence of the omayanans.

Katie: …I'm afraid to ask.

Luna: They're tiny white creatures that live in fires. They produce a sense of warmth and calm to prevent people from freaking out. And considering we have like five fire places in here, we've got quite a large number of them.

EVERYONE I KNOW: THESE THINGS NEED TO EXIST.

Luna: They do exist, or I wouldn't've brought them up.

EVERYONE I KNOW: AWESOME.

~Once again, I apologize for my desire to graduate from college. :P~

Filch and the others: NO IT'S A BROOM CLOSET what a shame.

Malfoy: Still, least we witnessed this miraculous change, we can go report back to Umbridge now with what we've found—

Filch: HISS!

Malfoy: …or we can chase the pretty albino rat. Either way's fine.

Albino rat: Still not Wormtail.

Sirius and Remus: GOD FUCKING DAMN IT!

Harry: Why are you guys even here?

Sirius: We're bored!

Remus: …The hell's going on with this chapter? All these transitions are making me nauseous.

Ron: Oh hey, I'm glad you're here. Could you tell Harry that he's got to be a lot nicer to his students if he wants to be like—

Remus: You're pronunciation is horrendous, Hannah! Gah, this is why you are made of complete fail!

Hannah: *lower lip trembles, flamingos start flying everywhere*

Remus: *shakes head* That one'll never get anywhere in life. Sorry, you were saying, Ron?

Ron: …Never mind.

Harry: …Do you guys mind? We're kind of in the middle of something here.

Sirius: Oh fine. *turns to Remus* Let's go bother Snape.

Remus: Righto!

Snape: I am Snape, the Potions Master.

Sirius: Ready? Let's go bother him!

Sirius and Remus: *thwack Snape repeatedly* Bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother fedora bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother.

Snape: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! *falls over*

Remus: Hee hee, that was fun!

Sirius: I liked the part where he stopped moving!

Remus: …

Sirius: …

Remus: …LET'S DO IT AGAIN!

Snape: Oh no.

Sirius: We embark on the winding spiral path. The paths of man and beast intersect!

Remus: Join with yesterday's foe to smash fate, and grab tomorrow's path with our own hands!

Snape: …Wha…?

Sirius and Remus: JUST WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK I AM!

Snape: …In Sirius need of some mental help?

Sirius: I don't want just your words of praise, I want your burning heart, too!

Snape: Can I kill him?

Remus: Just let it go, we got shit to do.

Harry: …What the fuck just happened?

Sirius: Dude, you thinking what I'm thinking?

Remus and Sirius: PIZZA BAGELS! *run off in search of food*

Harry: …Those guys scare me sometimes.

Ginny: Reducto!

Harry: As does she.

Statue thing: I NEVER SAW LICHTENSTEIN! *completely dissolves in a manner similar to that of VoldeQuirrel*

Harry: I'm amazed that I'm not having horrible flashbacks right now.

Parvati: …So much for my small claim to fame that was never utilized onpage anyway.

Fred, George, and Ron: …Well don't we feel emasculated.

Ginny: XD

Harry: Holy crap, I think I'm in love.

Statue's remains: …There's really no reason to focus on us like this.

~Now where did Snape go? More importantly, where the hell am I? Hmm…NAKED TIME!~

Review or Sirius and Remus will NOT bother you! HAHA U C WUT I DID THAR.


	10. Teh WE'RE GONNA NEED A MONTAGE

Disclaimer: I do not own anything from the film/book Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, any other movie, book, or game in the series, A Very Potter Musical, Yu-Gi-Oh! The Abridged Series, or Rifftrax.

~By this point in the book, we had witnessed Neville become vaguely badass and well on the road to awesomeness. In the film, it is only now when he starts to not fail. Unlike the film.~

Cho: I fail whenever you're around, I am so crushing on you.

Harry: Huh, did we require the Christmas tree to be here, or did Dobby do that offscreen, would've been nice of him.

Cho: PAY ATTENTION TO ME!

Harry: Can't, Neville's about to be fucking badass, sorry.

Neville: EXPELLIARMUS!

Parvati: *is disarmed*

Padma: As a Gryffindor who should be in Ravenclaw, I have to say, WOOT WOOOOOOOOOT!

DA members: *collectively glomp Neville*

Harry: Well done, Neville, that was brilliant!

Neville: Can't…breathe…limbs…broken…

Harry: Yes, yes, excellent.

~And with that, the montage finally draws to a close. Thank MERLIN.~

Harry: So now that that's over with…Nigel, why do you have the Marauder's Map?

Nigel: …Reminding people that it exists even if we never really refer to it or purposely use it?

Harry: Oh, okay. You'd think we would have someone keep an eye on it at all times in case someone figures out where we are and tries to break through, but that's just silly. Anyway, if you want to meet during the holidays, you'll be showing up to an empty classroom, so I wouldn't really bother.

DA members: Oh poopie.

Harry: So try practicing on your own, especially those of you who are going home for the holidays where magic is forbidden outside of school if you're underage. But Siriusly, if I am proud of anything, it's of how much you've all learned so far.

Ron: There we go, finally!

DA members: YAY, LET'S APPLAUD HIM FINALLY REMINDING US OF FAR SUPERIOR TEACHERS, WOOOOOO!

Ron: Siriusly, great job on this whole thing, mate.

Harry: Thanks for you being the one to say that instead of making Hermione be my only friendly-friend.

Ron: Don't thank me, thank the new screenwriter!

Harry: Let's not get carried away.

Cho: *walks away from the rest of the DA members towards a mirror—no, not one of the walls, an actual mirror*

Harry: There is a female that I am attracted to. I notice nothing else.

Hermione: *exchanges knowing look with Ron*

Ron: I really like my interpretation in this movie, despite the random misogyny from earlier! I actually get that Harry wants to be alone with Cho instead of being a complete dumbass about the whole situation!

Cho: I have a shoulder bag.

Hermione: Oh and my hair's in a braid.

Ron: No one cares, let's just give these two a minute.

Hermione: …Why do I look like I'm glancing at Harry's ass on the way out?

Ron: *implodes*

Neville: Thanks a lot, Harry!

Ginny: …

DA members: We are saying various variations of Merry Christmas to Harry.

Rifftrax: May this blessed season bring slightly less evil, torment, and demonic attacks.

Harry: There is a female that I am attracted to. I notice nothing else.

Fred: Hey Harry, we've had an idea, and as our offscreen financial backer we figured that we should probably run it by you.

George: We were thinking that we could slip some Puking Pastilles into Umbridge's tea, even though they appear to be pastry-like foodstuffs that would be kind of noticeable, floating around in the tea all chunky and gross.

Fred: And then there's the fact that we still haven't perfected the Fever Fudge, and quite frankly I don't even want to think about the fact that the pus-filled boils would end up right on her—

Harry: There is a female that I am attracted to. I notice nothing else.

Ginny: Come on, guys, Harry's too preoccupied to notice anything else right now.

Fred: But…But Umbridge!

George: Pus-filled boils!

Ginny: Later, guys, come on.

Fred and George: Sigh, fine. *leave, giving Harry incredulous looks on their way out despite the fact that even Ron saw that he wanted a moment with Cho. And they're supposed to be the ladies' men in every fanfic ever. FAIL*

Harry: Aw, Ginny, how did you know I needed to get rid of those guys so I could talk to Cho Chang, you're the best!

Ginny: …Oh…Harry Potter…Just…You…Forget it! *runs off*

Harry: All right, I will! Cool! *walks up to Cho* Hey, you okay? I heard Umbridge tried to slip something into your tea the other day, that must have sucked and in no way foreshadows anything that might happen in this version.

Cho: Yeah, I'm okay. Which is obviously a lie, but who actually says anything but that they're fine anyway. But yeah, it's worth it to come here and see you everyday.

Photograph of Cedric: I'm still in the movies, bitches! *grins smugly*

Harry: I'm jealous of a photograph. How much does that suck.

Cho: It's just, learning all this…makes me wonder if…if he had known any of it…

Harry: Cedric did know all this stuff. He was really good at it, too. It's just that the Killing Curse is kind of un-defendable.

Cho: …So this was a colossal waste of time, then?

Harry: This stuff'll give you a fighting chance against your average Death Eater, but if you come up against Voldemort…Yeah, unless someone sacrifices themselves for you in the exact same circumstances that my mother did for me, you're basically screwed no matter what you do, I won't lie.

Cho: Brilliant. That makes me feel loads better.

Harry: That's what I'm here for.

Cho: So yeah, I'm in sixth year and I didn't know how to Stun. Thanks for that.

Harry: D'awww, shucks.

Cho: *conveniently looks up right as the mistletoe starts growing* Did you require that or did I?

Harry: Iunno, but it's probably infested with nargles.

Cho: I'm in Luna's house and yet I don't think I've heard that one yet, even though it's one of the most common things she talks about.

Harry: And me referencing them implies that I'm still thinking of Luna as I'm about to kiss you. *leans in and kisses her*

Cho: *muffled against his lips* Charming.

iheartmwpp: *is totally not taking notes for a Harry/Luna fanfic, really, honest*

~So they kiss for a while, as the mistletoe continues to grow overhead until it engulfs them entirely and they die of suffocation while the picture of Cedric looks on in disapproval.~

Ron: Presumably you've actually told us about it instead of Hermione dragging it out of you.

Hermione: You really do tell us everything, you're such a girl.

Harry: Shut up.

Ron: Having been the only one among us who hasn't been kissed yet, what was it like?

Harry: …Wet.

Ron: Whoa, mate, I don't want that many details!

Harry: Dude, we just snogged.

Audience: Riiiiiight.

Ron: I don't believe you!

Harry: Well that's all we did, so shove it.

Ron: Then why would you describe it like that?

Harry: Well, she was sort of crying.

Audience: …Not really, she was just kind of slightly morose.

Ron: What, did you attack her or something, what the hell? Or are you just really that bad? Actually that seems more likely…I hope it's more likely—

Hermione: *looking extremely anxious for some reason* I'm sure Harry's kissing was more than satisfactory.

Ron: *whips around to look at her* And how would you know?

Hermione: Okay, sorry, poor choice of words in both versions, I apologize.

Harry: I'm surprised you're not freaking out in this version.

Ron: As if the filmmakers would ship me and Hermione unless absolutely necessary.

Harry: True dat, yo.

Hermione: Anyway, Cho spends half the time crying these days, not that we once see it onscreen, I imagine she's being quite discreet about it. And as usual, I'm a girl so I, like, totally know what, like, all the other girls are like, doing?

Ron: If Harry's as good as you claim he is with supposedly no evidence, you'd think she'd at least feel wanted and appreciated by a guy who likes her who she seems to like in return.

Hermione's eyebrows: Oh please, no girl wants that! Don't you understand anything about women?

Harry and Ron: Oh please, do go on.

Hermione's eyebrows: She probably still likes Cedric, and is therefore confused about liking Harry, and even if she and Cedric just broke up instead of him dying she'd probably feel a bit guilty about being able to move on so fast. Also apparently her mum works at the Ministry, so…

Ron: My dad works at the Ministry, you don't hear me crying about it.

Harry: Think I heard a little, actually.

Ron: Sod off, you were saying, Hermione?

Hermione: Well she's also worried about failing her OWLs—

Harry: She's a year above us, she already took them last year! If anything she should be worried about her NEWTs!

Ron: You really expect either of the screenwriters to stay true to canon? They have Cho and McLaggen returning for the final two films when they should've graduated already!

Harry: Fair point.

Hermione: Fine, she's worried about failing classes in general because she's so worried about everything else.

Harry: We need a Stress Management course here.

Ron: Tell me about it, one person can't feel all that at once, they'd explode!

Hermione: Just because you've got the emotional range of a teaspoon.

Ron: Hey, the one time I'm feeling stressed that we might die any minute either from Death Eaters, Snatchers, or starvation, I'm also feeling completely useless since getting Splinched puts me out of commission, I'm worried sick about whether any of my family is still left alive, and on top of that I'm convinced that you and Harry have gotten together, considering that if I did lose my family you two would be all I had left and I was worried you'd abandon me because I'm so pathetic compared to you two! That's a bit more stress than relationships and exams, and in case you didn't notice, I did explode! Sometimes you really need to, even if it takes a Horcrux to help you do it.

Hermione: Hang on, I have to awkwardly laugh at how funny my own line was. *bursts into uncontrollable laughter*

Ron: …It was a nice homage to the book, and yes, it was one of your funnier and more sarcastic lines that is always remembered with great fondness, but it wasn't that hysterical.

Harry: I love my stupid friends.

~OH THANK MERLIN IT'S FINALLY DONE.~

Review or all of your mistletoe will be infested with nargles!


	11. Teh YOU'RE TEARING ME APART NAGINI!

Disclaimer: I do not own anything from the film/book Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, any other movie, book, or game in the series, A Very Potter Sequel, The Room, Naruto: The Abridged Comedy Fandub Spoof Series Show, Code MENT, Firefly, Jimmy Buffet, Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog, one of the worst movies ever made in the history of trying to adapt good things for the big screen, The Lord of the Rings, Dragonball Z Abridged, The Animation Show, the father person, or Rifftrax.

~Siriusly, this whole chapter, and the next one? Some of Dan's best acting. Too bad he didn't keep it up for the rest of the movie(s).~

Menacing view of the Ministry of Magic's floor: *is menacing*

Soundtrack: *is mysterious and foreboding, as if it's foreboding something mysterious*

Harry: I appear to be wearing the same dark gray shirt I spontaneously changed into when I woke up on my first night back.

Nagini: Why am I bothering to look at my reflection in the wall?

Sirius: …Kay…So yeah, we think Voldemort's after something other than followers as well.

Mad-Eye: STFU.

Harry: Uh-huh…

Sirius: Something he didn't have last time, although it's totally obvious and he's been operating on that assumption anyway.

Harry: CHIIIIIN!

Doorknob: FEAR ME!

Arthur: I AM WALKING!

Voldemort: I still have a hand!

Harry: Siriusly, what is it with the prophecy also being shown with the view of a sun or whatever?

Arthur: Hopefully no one who actually works here will notice me strolling by and blatantly calling attention to myself by holding my lit wand aloft.

Book readers: Hang on, how did Arthur make it into the Hall of Prophecy, we thought we was just waiting outside the Department of Mysteries!

Harry: Well this is gonna suck.

Arthur: I am turning around so the audience will know what's happening—Oh hai giant snake Horcrux thing.

Harry: CHIIIIIIN!

Nagini: OM NOM NOM.

Arthur: YOU'RE TEARING ME APART, NAGINI!

Harry: That looked like it hurt.

Arthur: Smarts a bit, yeah.

Harry: Am I feeling your pain or is it just the scar?

Arthur: Dunno, but my entire person appears to have been soaked with blood.

Harry: Huh. Should probably wake up, then.

Arthur: That'd be nice. HEY I'm unconscious.

Harry: …Shit muffins.

~I expected a bit more of Freaked Out And Traumatized!Harry from the end of Film Four to show up after the vision, but I guess there wasn't enough time. For anything worthwhile. Ever.~

Harry: It's really important that they have three separate cuts of me walking along and being sweaty, each one getting progressively closer to mah face…Yeah, this scene is basically entirely pointless.

~Okay, before it was just Ron leading Harry with McGonagall, did his siblings just Apparate to Dumbledore's office or something?~

Hermione: I keep telling you, you can't—

~Oh shut up.~

Ginny: I have fallopian tubes, therefore I do not have the muscles to stand for a few minutes like my manly brothers.

Weasley children: …We don't actually look all that fussed, to be honest.

Dumbledore: I still have my back turned to you!

Harry: That's nice, now either save Mr. Weasley or tell me why. Preferably the former, though I'd really appreciate the latter as well.

Dumbledore: In a minute, finding out random details about some dream you had is far more important than saving a dying man suffering from multiple snake bites.

Weasley children: WE HOLD YOU IN SUCH HIGH ESTEEM.

Dumbledore: So how did you view the dream, anyway, I assume that you weren't next to the victim, seeing it from above, or anything like that. Instead I assume you saw it from the snake's own eyes.

Harry: Oh my god you're fucking PSYCHIC! I mean, uh, I plead the fifth. *anxious look at Weasleys*

Dumbledore: We're not in America.

Harry: Shut up.

Dumbledore: We're in Japan.

Harry: Are you high?

Dumbledore: *shakes head* Little bit.

Harry: Right, so I agree we should forget the dying man for a sec—

Weasley children: YOU ARE OUR HERO AND WE WORSHIP THE GROUND YOU WALK ON.

Harry: —so you could explain what the fuck is going on with my head and why I can actually see people getting hurt in the hopes that you or some other adult figure can assure me that I'm not being possessed by Voldemort and that I'm not the weapon he's been searching for so that I'll be less inclined to either run back to the Dursleys or outright kill myself for fear of harming a loved one even if I don't mean to.

McGonagall: We really need a school counselor or something, even if they usually fail at life it would show that we care at least somewhat about our students' mental and emotional wellbeing.

Dumbledore: *bursts out laughing* You sure know how to make an old man laugh, Minerva!

McGonagall: Burn everything to the ground. That's what I'll do.

Ginny: Siriusly, you should've talked to me about it.

Harry: Until Book Six came out, Book Two was considered the Big Lipped Alligator of the franchise and barely anyone remembered it in favor of the ones that actually had an ongoing plotline and connected outright with other stories.

Dumbledore: Everard!

Everard: Mm-hmm?

Dumbledore: Arthur's on guard duty tonight.

Everyone else in the room: *deadpan* No. Way.

Albus: Make sure he's found by the right people. Which will totally be possible in the dead of night when presumably none of them work because the entire Ministry will seem deserted at the end of the year even though it wasn't all that late at the time. Also there's absolutely no way that Arthur will be found by a random Unspeakable pulling a night shift.

Everard: Mm-hmm. *leaves*

Harry: Still panicking, sir.

Dumbledore: I really don't give a shit.

Harry: Yes, you've made that perfectly clear.

Ron: Yeah, I really can see why you didn't go to him the other times your scar hurt. One would think you'd still go to McGonagall, though, and there's evidently nothing stopping you from Flooing Sirius in this version.

Harry: Quiet, you.

Dumbledore: Phineas Nigellus!

Phineas Nigellus: Muh?

Fred: Why is he always referred to by his full name?

George: It does get a tad annoying after a while.

Dumbledore: Go to your other portrait at Grimmauld Place. Tell them, them presumably meaning Sirius and whoever else is there, that Arthur Weasley has just nearly been eaten by a dirty great snake, and that his children will soon be arriving there by Portkey. Harry will be sent there eventually, I guess by a different Portkey or something, I really don't care.

Book readers: …Why didn't Dumbledore have Fawkes grab Arthur and heal him with his tears? We get introduced to this awesometastic bird that can do all these amazing things, and yet he's really only used once. This really could've helped with the whole secrecy thing! And if the tears somehow didn't work, then they could take him to St. Mungo's with a completely made-up excuse that had noting to do with him being in the Ministry. For the wisest and most powerful wizard of the time Dumbledore really can't plan ahead that well.

Harry: No fair, I want to go see Sirius right now, he'd at least know how to comfort me! Wait…Holy shit, even Sirius failed on this one in the book! He just pulled a you from the previous movie and told me not to worry about it and forget about it! Well sorry, but I can't really forget about the sensation of sinking my own teeth into Mr. Weasley's face, all right?

Weasley children: It's not a good sign that you look way more freaked out about all this than we do.

Everard: So a bunch of people found him, because there's totally a portrait of me in the Hall of Prophecy so I could see for myself. He looks pretty fucked up but they think he'll make it, destroying any sort of tension this scene may have had. Also the Dark Lord still fails at life.

Harry: OMFG THIS GUY'S IN LEAGUE WITH VOLDEMORT BECAUSE HE CALLED HIM THE DARK LORD HOLY FUCK TITS WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE HANG ON TO YOUR ELEPHANT HATS FINS TO THE LEFT FINS TO THE RIGHT YOU'RE THE ONLY BAIT IN TOWN.

McGonagall: …The fuck—?

Harry: I DON'T KNOW.

Dumbledore: YAY VOLDEMORT DIDN'T GET THE THINGY. Oh and we still have a valuable spy in the Ministry. That's cool too, I guess. Now…what the fuck should I do now.

Harry: *jerks his head to the left*

iheartmwpp: *rubs neck* I wonder if my insurance will cover an appointment with a chiropractor…or several at this point… *neck cracks weirdly* …That's not a good sound…

Harry: LOOK AT ME!

Dumbledore: M'kay. *looks at him*

Harry: …Yeah, I got nothing.

Dumbledore: Awesome.

Harry: But Siriusly, since Mr. Weasley is now out of danger and it's absolutely certain that he'll be all right considering the most stressful part of the book is basically glossed over like the rest of the important parts that could've really made for some suspenseful stretches of film, can we focus on whether or not I'm being possessed or something? I'm sure you'd rather I not kill myself at this point in time.

Dumbledore: Not yet, no.

Harry: Exactly, so if you wouldn't mind telling me something so I won't commit suicide—

Dumbledore: LOOK! A DISTRACTION!

Harry: Don't you pull that bullshit with me—

Snape: 'Ello, 'ello!

Harry: …Well fuck.

Snape: Is there something you—

Dumbledore: WELL THEN!

Snape: And he cuts me off.

Dumbledore: We can't wait, we have to do this now. Otherwise we'll all be vulnerable, completely ignoring the fact that you doing this will only open his mind even more and make his scar hurt on a near constant basis as you completely fail to instruct him on exactly what he should be doing, but that doesn't matter at all.

~And the slash fans squee as Snape drags a sweaty Harry downstairs by the hand.~

Harry: I'm sitting here and trying to desperately not to wet myself, though I'm so drenched in sweat no one would notice the difference.

Snape: I'd notice the smell.

Harry: Wouldn't expect you to be able to avoid it, nose like that.

Snape: I'd dock House points if they still existed in the films. Anyway, there appears to be a connection between the Dark Lord's mind and your own, which you couldn't possibly have deduced by now having dreamt what he has been seeing for over a year. We have no idea if he's actually aware of this connection, and by that I mean he totally is as of tonight, which really fucking sucks. And please to ignore these various torture devices.

Harry: How am I supposed to clear my mind and stay calm if not only am I freaked out beyond all belief that Voldemort might be possessing me, but I'm also legitimately concerned that you're going to shove nails into every joint of my fingers?

Snape: I don't know why I kept my wand within this fantastically horrible utility belt instead of carrying it with me always like any sane wizard.

Harry: So if he knows about the connection, he'll be able to read my mind.

Snape: Normally I'd protest against such stupid turns of phrase, but we want the ignorant Muggles watching this movie to understand what the fuck we're talking about.

Book reading: It's still basically mind-reading anyway, so we have no complaints.

Snape: So yeah, he'll be able to not only read your mind, but also control it—

Harry: So he will be able to possess me if he hasn't already!

Snape: Pretty much, yeah.

Harry: Oh great.

Snape: He also might be able to make you go insane with merely a thought.

Harry: Oh brilliant!

Snape: In fact, it was a little hobby of the Dark Lord's to invade the minds of his victims, showing them the very worst images imaginable until they literally begged for death so as to end the sheer agony of what he was forcing them to endure.

Harry: *gasp* You don't mean—

Snape: Yes. The Last Airbender movie.

Harry: Oh, God. *breaks down sobbing in agony at the sheer thought of what that could do to a person*

Treebeard: There is no curse in Elvish, Entish, or the tongues of men for this treachery.

Harry: By the way, you outlining all this while walking menacingly towards me with your wand outstretched does absolutely nothing to calm me down, especially as it appears as if I don't have my own on me.

Snape: Sucks to be you. But yeah, Occlumency is basically a way to prevent your mind from being read.

Harry: Bitchin'.

Snape: Too bad you suck.

Harry: It is you who is suck!

Snape: …Moving on, in these lessons I will attempt to penetrate your mind.

Harry: Dude, penetrate? Did you have to use that wording?

Snape: Why, what's wrong with it?

Harry: …I need an adult.

Snape: I am an adult. Now prepare yourself.

Harry: How do I do that?

Snape: Legilimens!

Harry: Way to fail. EPIC FLASHBACK.

Overhead shot of London: *is teh pretty*

Harry and the Order…interesting band: *all start to fly down near the river for some reason*

Sirius: Voldemort wants to kill Harry, and stuff, remember? Him making an attempt nearly every year should be proof enough of this, excuse me for wanting to strike at him before he kills off my baby godson!

Audience: THERE IS A GIANT EYEBALL! AND IT IS LOOKING AT US!

Hermione: GLOMPING. *glomps*

Harry: OH GOD WHY. Back the fuck off, there's only so much human contact I can take in one day!

EYEBALL!: *is there*

Dementor: HEY we look more like skeletons than ever. How lovely and noncanon.

EYEBALL!: *is still there*

iheartmwpp: I refuse to do another DA montage. *shudders*

Voldemort: Something we neglected to mention last time, but this is a Muggle suit. I wouldn't be caught dead wearing something like this, WTF, yo?

Lucius: Cutting in to wonder why I tolerate my son wearing such plebian outfits; Jason Isaacs was actually heavily involved in designing his own costume because they wanted to have me wear a suit at first, but my actor realized, correctly mind you, that I would refuse to be associated with anything remotely Muggle in nature, and that includes style of dress. Again, one wonders why I allow Draco to get away with his sense of fashion.

Fangirls: Because he looks hot in those suits?

Draco: I'd look hot in a burlap sack.

Fangirls: This is true.

Dudley: …Do you have the power to change the weather?

Harry: …Not that I know of, no…

EYEBALL!: *is still there*

DOOR!: 'Sup.

Voldemort: Ain't it weird how no one notices me?

Harry: That is odd. Yo, people, y'all might want to start panicking right about nowz…No? Okay then…

Voldemort: Hey, I look good in a suit!

Harry: You seem to have a crick in your neck.

Voldemort: Little bit, the new body isn't entirely perfect, still working out the kinks.

Harry: Real me, now, we're done with the flashbacks for now. Also it looks like this really hurts. It also looks like something else entirely is going on, but we're gonna do our best to ignore that. And fail, I'm sure.

Snape: Concentrate, Potter, focus!

Rifftrax: Try not to let the fact that there's a creepy guy in a black dress jabbing a stick into your face distract you in any way!

Harry: Too busy being mind raped, can't really hear you. Also I have no idea what I'm doing! How am I supposed to discipline my mind in this severely panicked state?

Snape: You get used to it.

Harry: I have to crawl before I can run marathons, you prick!

~Oh, so that's where the Potions classroom…Snape's office…Wherever they are is in relation to the castle. Cool beans, yo.~

Review or you will be forced to watch The Last Airbender. ...Oh God, that's the most horrible thing I think I've ever written in my entire life. *vomits*


	12. Teh INDUCTION!

Disclaimer: I do not own anything from the film/book Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, any other movie, book, or game in the series, A Very Potter Musical or Sequel, Code MENT, Pokémon 'Bridged, Gurren Lagann, Eddie Izzard, Uncharted 3, or Rifftrax.

~OMFG AN ACTUAL TRANSITION! We go out of the window, above the castle where it's heavily snowing, to Grimmauld Place where a bunch of Muggles are playing in the snow.~

Muggles: Not that you can actually tell we're Muggles, the way we're dressed, but you know.

Crack between Numbers 11 and 13: 'Sup.

Ron and Ginny: You'd think we've never seen a Father Christmas ornament flying around and talking and stuff even though we've most likely grown up with this sort of thing.

Fred and George: We look kind of bored.

Molly: Hey, remember when we were all worried that Arthur might not make it? Well allow me to diffuse whatever tension that anyone may have had by showing you that he's perfectly fine if a bit horrendously scarred from the look of it.

Arthur: You'd think that the Healers up at St. Mungo's would've healed me up entirely before sending me home so I wouldn't have this black eye anymore at the very least, but you'd be wrong.

Hermione: That purple crown thing is crap.

Crookshanks: Have I been chillin' with Sirius this whole time?

Molly: Presents time in the middle of the day for some reason!  
Arthur: And Ron gets a nice big box for no reason, seeing as apparently prefects don't exist anymore.

Molly: Maybe we're slightly aware that he feels a tad neglected?

Ron: Yyyeeeesss. *pulls out hideous hand-knit vest, sounding more enthused then I've ever managed to when I got a gift I didn't like, well done indeed, sir*

Hermione: Ooooooh, I am so teasing him relentlessly about that.

Fred and George: Bugger, she stole our thunder.

Molly: Just what he wanted, actually.

Ron: Naturally, naturally, don't you love it when family members just psychically know what to get you instead of asking you what your interests are or what might offend you if you give it to them? So lovely, thanks, Mum.

Fred: Yay scarves.

George: It's not like we don't get free ones once we're sorted into Gryffindor.

Fred: Though I am starting to get sick of Gryffindor colors, though, they're freaking everywhere.

George: Gasp! You can't mean you hate red! You have to like red if you're a Gryffindor!

iheartmwpp: Oh please, I'm a Hufflepuff and my favorite color is blue, I despise yellow! I don't even know of anyone whose favorite color is yellow!

Hermione: I apparently got something purple.

Ginny: Whatever I got was evidently perfect, though we never see what it is.

Harry: I'm wandering in awkwardly.

Rifftrax: I was locked in the bathroom for three hours, didn't anyone notice I was missing?

Sirius: Right behind you.

Molly: Harry! I got you something too! Lovely to have you with us! *pecks him rather low on the neck*

Harry: I am severely uncomfortable.

Sirius: Watch it, woman.

Molly: Even with my youngest being fourteen, I insist that you all still refer to your father as Daddy.

Harry: YAY a hat.

Sirius: Since it's highly likely that I also missed your first Christmas, this may be the first time I've ever seen my baby godson open his very own Christmas present. *sniffs* I'm so proud!

Arthur: A toast!

Molly: Fred, George, quit heating up that bread, you know what your father meant.

Arthur: To Harry Potter. Without his psychic link thing into He-Who-Can-Apparently-Possess-His-Snake-Or-Else-Horcruxes-Can-See-Into-Each-Other-Which-Makes-Even-Less-Sense-And-If-That-Was-The-Case-It-Never-Comes-Up-Again, I would most likely be dead right now.

Sirius: I wonder if Tonks persuaded Moony to at least consider going out with her yet, I know I haven't managed to get through to him…

Harry: *eye twitch*

Arthur: Harry.

Weasleys plus Hermione…interesting band…: Harry.

Sirius: INDUCTION!

Molly: Huh?

Sirius: *clears throat* Induction. To formally admit to a position or organization.

Molly: Again, huh?

Sirius: When Harry wanted to join the Order, you said indicted.

Molly: Oh yeah.

Sirius: Indictment. A formal accusation that someone has committed a crime.

Molly: Well thank Merlin for Wikipedia.

Sirius: You meant to say that he might as well be inducted.

Molly: But that was ten chapters ago. And now all you did is prove to us that you didn't know both words at the time.

Sirius: D'OH!

~Am I the only one who thinks Sirius's inflection when he said his godson's name was a bit off? Come on, you're Gary Freakin' Oldman, you're not supposed to make me doubt your acting like that!~

Hermione: God, that thing looks hideous on you. And why do I always call you Ronald in the movies, it's kind of annoying.

Ron: Iunno. Don't tell Mum, but I'm pretty much gonna torch this once we get back to Hogwarts. I'll blame Fred and George, they can deny all they want but she'll never believe them.

Hermione: I wouldn't stress over it too much, you look no more idiotic than usual, after all.

Ron: …You're a very hurtful person, you know that?

Hermione: Blame the new screenwriter.

Ron: Look, we can't hide behind the filmmakers forever!

Hermione: I'm gonna have to when Kloves starts blatantly shipping me with Harry again next film.

Ron: You're saying any of the filmmakers stopped?

Hermione: …Good point.

Sirius: *shouting from upstairs* NIDORINO, NO! EASY WITH THE HORN!

Hermione: …We should leave.

Harry: Awww, man!

Hermione: No, we're going.

Harry: Hang on, I am distracted by this room that I hadn't seen before despite spending the last three weeks or so of summer here. Huh, weird wallpaper…which is the only thing in here. There is literally nothing else in this room that is roughly the size of iheart's parents' kitchen if not larger. This has got to be the biggest waste of space I've ever seen. God, put a chair in here or something, what the fuck?

Kreacher: Nasty cocksucker, standing there and criticizing poor mistress's house, who does the Boy Who Stopped The Dark Lord think he is, befriending Mudbloods and blood traitors and half-breeds and the children of dentists, Harry Potter should be tarred and feathered immediately—

Harry: They misspelled Phineas, and why is he burnt off, anyway, he seemed pretty proud of the family in the book, it didn't seem like he'd been disowned…Ohhhh, it's that guy from further back who supported Muggle rights, okay then. Why do all the women have grapes on their head.

Kreacher: If my poor mistress had known that her disgraced son would be shacking up with a filthy werewolf of all creatures—

Sirius: GTFO before I tear out your ear hair.

Kreacher: And why should Kreacher listen to Master Sirius? My poor mistress disowned him after all, and Kreacher doesn't listen to Mistress Nymphadora either as Mistress Andromeda was also disowned. Is it because Master Sirius has a scrotum and Mistress Andromeda has fallopian tubes, Kreacher wonders? Why didn't Kreacher immediately go to Mistress Narcissa once Mistress Walburga died and there was no one else left, why did he wait around for Master Sirius when he has no place and no rights as a member of the Black family any longer?

Sirius: I really don't care, as long as you leave.

Kreacher: *grins evilly* Kreacher will be sure to take that under advisement. *goes straight for Narcissa where they outline the plot to lure Harry into the Department of Mysteries. Dick*

Harry: Well that was pleasant.

Sirius: Yeah, Dumbledore wants me to treat him nicer because he thinks Kreacher will in turn be less of a douchecanoe. Then again, he also expected me and Snivellus to lay aside our old differences and trust each other.

Harry: *bursts out laughing*

Sirius: Tell me about it, I honestly wish I knew what that man was smoking. And where I could get some. But yeah, too many bad memories of childhood kind of build up. It's not like you'll ever see eye to eye with Dursley and neither of you bother trying, isn't that right?

Harry: Mm…Hold on, you had bad memories of Kreacher from childhood?

Sirius: Yeah, bit of a long time to wait to mention that this was my parents' house, but there you go. Offered it to Dumbledore offpage as headquarters for the Order. About the only useful thing I've been able to do, which is kind of hard to understand considering that it's never been properly established that I'm not allowed to leave the house on Dumbledore's orders. Git.

Harry: What, you can't even sneak out as a dog?

Sirius: Nah, Wormtail would've told the other Death Eaters about my secret.

Harry: But they can't exactly say, "Hey, I psychically know that that dog's actually an escaped prisoner in disguise," can they? Where would they have gotten that information? And why do you and Moony keep calling him "Wormtail," anyway, wouldn't you not consider him a Marauder anymore or some such?

Sirius: Stop saying things that make sense. Anyway, apparently the Black family tree is literally the wallpaper now instead of being just a random tapestry. Quite frankly I don't understand why I just don't paint over it like any other sensible person who can't get the wallpaper down, it would certainly give me something to do and it would piss Kreacher off, which is always nice.

Bellatrix: Yo.

Harry: You're kidding me. Also the camera's focusing more on Andromeda's name when you say "My deranged cousin." The filmmakers made yet another oopsie.

Sirius: And this surprises you?

Harry: Not really, no…Hang on, I don't even know about Bellatrix, the memory from the last film only implicated Barty Crouch Jr.

Sirius: Well that was stupid of them.

Harry: Yep.

Sirius: But yeah, most of these guys suck anyway, I try not to think about them too much.

iheartmwpp: I haven't attended a Christmas gathering of my mother's side of the family in about five years. *sighs in contentment*

Sirius: Nor about the fact that Bellatrix and Draco are the only ones who look like actual people instead of drawings.

Harry: Yeah, that's a bit jarring, that.

Sirius: They were obsessed with purity of blood and similar shit like that. Obviously as best mates with a pureblood that fell in love with a Muggle-born, another best friend who was a half-blood werewolf, I don't think we know what Pettigrew's blood status is at this point, and a half-blood godson, we didn't really see eye to eye on that issue. *points to a charred spot above his name* My mother did that after I ran away. And damn I act amazingly in this scene, you can really tell that I'm bitter about the whole situation but that I still desperately wish that my mother wasn't quite such a bitch. Your family is supposed to love you unconditionally, and it really makes no sense that they don't. It takes an awfully long time to realize that it's not your fault but theirs, though there's always that small part of you that will always blame yourself, wondering what you did that caused them to not love you.

Harry: WE ARE SO SPIRITUALLY CONNECTED RIGHT NOW.

Sirius: Yep. So yeah, ran away when I was about sixteen.

Harry: Thirteen, I win.

Sirius: Damn you. Hey, where'd you end up, anyway?

Harry: Leaky Cauldron, you?

Sirius: Your dad's place. I think his parents are on this tree near the bottom under the charred patch marked Marius, Dorea Black who married Charlus Potter?

Harry: My grandparents have names?

Sirius: Could be your great uncle and his aunt, I really have no idea. Nor do I know why they weren't blasted off as well, especially if they were your grandparents, surely my parents would've resented them taking me in.

Harry: Don't call me Shirley. And YAY WE'RE RELATED PROBABLY!

Sirius: *chuckles* James used to say that all the time.

Harry: He did?

Sirius: No idea, we know nothing about him since you never ask. But since I keep telling you that you're practically his clone I could be implying that you don't need to ask anything.

Harry: Yeah, I really don't think I'm too much like him anymore, even though I have practically nothing to base this assumption off of.

Sirius: What the fuck you on about?

Harry: *really does a good job in this scene* Sirius…when I saw Mr. Weasley getting attacked by Nagini, I wasn't just watching. I was the snake, which led me to have this almost complete mental breakdown thinking that I was being possessed by Voldemort and he could use me to attack other people I care about at a moment's notice but that's clearly not important so whatever.

Sirius: Uh-huh…?

Harry: And after that, when I was in Dumbledore's office, there was a moment when I wanted to…

Rifftrax: Force Dumbledore to shower.

Harry: …to rip out his intestines and strangle him with them while I watched him drown in his own blood.

Sirius: Well of course you would, he's played by Michael Gambon, who wouldn't?

Harry: …Fair point, but…this…connection…between me and Voldemort, has Dumbledore talked about it at all?

Sirius: I think I heard him mention something about a chunk of Voldemort's soul latching onto yours, but Remus was holding me back from attempting to murder Snivellus again so I'm not really sure what I've heard.

Harry: Dumbledore just lets you get away with it now?

Sirius: He and most of the others have pretty much given up by this point. Remus is the only one who tries, bless him. I think he's trying to make up for almost eating Sniv-Sniv that one time, even though that was my fault so he shouldn't feel guilty at all.

Harry: It amuses me that you think Remus Freaking Lupin shouldn't be feeling guilty about anything, you know he will anyway. He and I are SO SPIRITUALLY CONNECTED RIGHT NOW.

Sirius: I think all three of us are on that count.

Harry: True dat, yo. But yeah, it's back to three years ago all over again, where I keep thinking that I'm just so similar to Voldemort and think that I will eventually become like him

Sirius: Why am I never informed of anything? It's my job to care about your emotional wellbeing, Dumbledore never tells me anything either!

Harry: I know! I mean, I just feel so angry! All the time!

Sirius: Which makes you a normal teenager. Harry, trust me, it'll pass in time. Mostly. There may be some residual anger that is most evident when you are faced with certain people, but you will mellow out in time.

Harry: But…What if, after everything I've been through, because I think even JKR said that if I was anything like a normal person I would be in a mental institution by now, something's gone wrong inside of me? What if I'm becoming teh evulz?

Sirius: LET'S SEE YOU GRIT THOSE TEETH! *punches Harry into the wall*

Harry: *is unconscious*

Sirius: Aguamenti.

Harry: GUH! I'm up, I'm up!

Sirius: Good. *gives him a hand up* Have you come to your senses yet? I give you my word that if you ever start to doubt yourself, I'll come and belt you one. So don't worry, I'm right by your side.

Book readers: *start bawling*

Harry: I'm only slightly reassured now, I'm afraid you'll have to do better than that.

Sirius: *puts his hands on Harry's shoulders* I want you to listen to me very carefully, Harry. You're not a bad person.

Certain fanfiction writers: *look up from their Dark!Harry fics* Wait, what?

Sirius: You're a very good person who bad things have happened to. WE ARE SO SPIRITUALLY CONNECTED RIGHT NOW.

Harry: YAAAAAAAY! *huggles*

Sirius: Besides, the world isn't split into good people and Death Eaters. Sometimes you need to use imperius in order to steal something that'll help destroy Voldemort and save countless lives in the process. On the other hand, you can also use wingardium leviosa to levitate something really heavy onto someone's head. It's not what you use, it's the intent behind it.

Harry: Um…

Eddie Izzard: The National Rifle Association says that "Guns don't kill people, uh, people do," but I think, I think the gun helps. You know? I think it helps, I think just standing there going, "Bang!" That's not gonna kill too many people, is it. *later in Dressed to Kill* Because guns don't kill people, it's just, uh…that certain noise they make. *pause for laughter* It's just the bullets ripping through people's bodies! That's what kills people!

Sirius: We can debate this forever, but my main point is that the world is painted in shades of gray and nothing is black and white, except occasionally when we Apparate in order to clearly spell out who is good and who is evil.

Harry: …That makes no sense and kind of completely nullifies what you're trying to say, and it will directly contradict itself when it comes to Snape anyway.

Sirius: Again, filmmakers are morons. But yeah, I'm paraphrasing Dumbledore back when he was awesome three films ago and point out that it matters only what decisions we make in life. The bottom line is that I don't think you're gonna be the next Dark Lord and I think you should stop thinking this way. You're just a normal teenager who also happens to be a Horcrux. All of this'll change, I promise.

Hermione: *knocks on the doorway* Audience, kindly pay attention to me, please! Oh, and Harry, it's time to go and shit.

Ron: Presumably I've already left, otherwise I'd be in this scene instead of Hermione taking up everything, as usual.

Sirius: When all this is over, we'll be a proper family. You'll see. *huggles Harry again*

Book readers: OH GOD WHY. *tears flood the theater*

Hermione: Awww, I'm watching a private concerning one of my best friends hugging someone I don't approve of so book readers can kind of assume that I'm watching this moment in disapproval. YAAAAAY!

Harry: Shut up, this is really the last moment the two of us will spend together. Damn it, why could the whole two hours be nothing but us hugging and bonding and shit? Most book fans would prefer that to the shit that goes on in school anyway? Fuck, the filmmakers change so much of the canon anyway that why not let you live?

Sirius: You can't have everything in life.

Harry: *sniffs*

Sirius: Easy, little one, it's all right. *strokes his godson's lack of hair* You'll see me at the end of the movie and then three films from now where I reassured you that I felt no pain. And I'll be with Prongs again. It'll be fine, but I don't want you to blame yourself, okay? The reason your parents and I gave their lives to save you is 'cause we wanted to. So there's no reason to feel like you owe us. Got it?

Harry: *sniffs again* I'll try. *grips his godfather's arm one final time as he follows Hermione out*

Sirius: *smiles at him, then takes one last look behind him at the room* Red and gold'll be nice colors, I think, maybe a few chairs, this room is Siriusly too empty and depressing. Oh! It can totally be the game room, considering I JUST GOT UNCHARTED 3 THIS IS GONNA BE TOTALLY AWESOME. *closes door as he runs upstairs to get supplies*

~Not gonna lie, I started tearing up when I wrote the last couple of parts.~

Review or Sirius will rip out all your ear hair.


	13. Teh HAGRID'S BACK! YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!

Disclaimer: I do not own anything from the film/book Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, any other movie, book, or game in the series, A Very Potter Sequel, Assassin's Creed II, Naruto: The Abridged Comedy Fandub Spoof Series Show, Final Fantasy VII The Abridged Series, or Rifftrax.

~So everyone dresses in robes on the way back to class from winter break, but they don't bother wearing them when they first get to school even though it's mandatory for them to be wearing them at the start of term feast. I are confuzzled.~

Audience: I thought this was supposed to be January, where's the snow?

iheartmwpp: *glances out window where it's only snowed twice near the end of February since Halloween/early November* That is kind of fucked up, yeah…

Harry: —and she's like "You should find an outlet," and he's like "I have plenty of outlets!" and she's like "I mean besides vaginas."

Cho: *giggles*

Harry: And he's like, "Mother!"

Cho: *laughs*

Hermione: Yes, this is all very touching, but Hagrid's back.

Harry: WHERE THE FUCK DID YOU COME FROM.

Hermione: More brisk walking and shit.

Harry: Cool. So anyway, sorry Cho, but oldest friend more important than love interest.

Cho: Oh come on, he's a complete joke!

Harry: I'm glad we're breaking up soon.

Ginny: *smiles brightly*

Harry: *runs off with Hermione and—oh wow, Ron was there! Sweet* The steps have vanished from the path thingy! Yaaaay how many outtakes are there where one of us slips and falls and injures ourselves horribly yay.

Ron: I love how we've regressed to five-year-olds in this shot.

Hermione: You mean you two aren't normally like that?

Ron: Again, hurtful. Stop trying to teach us tact until you've learned some of your own.

Umbridge: My voice causes infertility.

Excited Trio of Desperately Wanting To See Hagrid Again: *is no longer nearly as excited*

Umbridge: So what you been up to?

Nervous Trio of Anxiousness: *peaks through the window*

Rifftrax: The Potter kids arrive just in time to overhear important information? WILL WONDERS NEVER CEASE.

Hagrid: What are you even doin' here?

Umbridge: Well, I was just walking 'round the school, observing teachers in their classroom environments, and I heard some pretty terrible accusations about you, Hagrid.

Hagrid: …Well I've been away for me health.

Umbridge: Are those students actually concerned about you? WHAT IS THIS MAGIC.

Holy Trio of Shit Muffins: *ducks*

Umbridge: But yeah, you kind of look like you got the crap kicked out of you.

Hagrid: …Fell down the stairs.

Umbridge: That's nice, considering I wouldn't care if you had an abusive family member anyway.

Hagrid: Yeah, just needed a bit o' change of scenery fer a while, yeh know.

Umbridge: Well that's better than wanting fresh air when you're gamekeeper, so I'll just leave you alone now. But don't think we're finished here. In fact, I wouldn't even bother unpacking at all. Why I can't just kick you out right now and have done with it is beyond me, but whatevs, yo.

Ron: Oh look, I'm the bumbling idiot once again. What a fucking shock.

Umbridge: Thankfully I notice nothing. Oh look, I carry perfume in my pocket. That's not lame at all. Of course I seem to have forgotten the handbag that totally goes with my jacket, because if you don't even have one bag then you're just weird and your female family members will think you're stupid and everyone will look down upon you because you prefer to use pockets and don't really need all that much aside from your cell phone and iPod and you don't even use make-up and you carry everything else in your backpack anyway so there is really no point whatsoever and yet if you don't own forty different fashionable bags or know brand names then you're a freak of nature and should just go away to die so you don't bother anyone else. iheart, kindly stop projecting, no one cares what you think. *sprays herself and Hagrid's door because…well, Hagrid had been away for a long time and I doubt Filch cleaned that area, and who knows who bothered to let Fang out once in a while if anyone did, so…possibly justified, except I can't understand why she'd waste any of her own precious pink perfume on a filthy half-breed, and I'm probably reading too much into this so I'll just get back to Hagrid now*

~Hey, that meat should be green and putrid! No fair!~

Hagrid: So yeh can' tell anyone else abou' this, an' quite frankly I shouldn' be tellin' yeh this either, but no one cares abou' actually keepin' secrets properly in the Order.

Harry: Hey, how 'bout that prophecy?

Hagrid: ANYWAY, Dumbledore sent me to parlay with the giants.

Pirates of the Caribbean fans: Lol, parlay.

Hermione's eyebrows: WE NEVER SUSPECTED THAT. THIS IS SUCH SHOCKING NEWS FOR US.

Hagrid: Shut up, Hermione! Good Lord, girl, they told me yeh were intelligent!

Hermione's eyebrows: …So you found them and shit? And shouldn't the meat be on your eye right now so you can lower the swelling and it doesn't look like you're just awkwardly holding a hunk of meat for no definable purpose?

Hagrid: I don' know what yer on abou'. Also, everyone knows where the giants are, they jus' prefer ter maintain a pretty huge distance. And they're massive, bit hard to miss. I tried ter convince them ter join our side, but I weren't the only one tryin' to recruit 'em.

Ron: Death Eaters?

Hagrid: No, the Chudley Cannons, OF COURSE DEATH EATERS!

Harry: So did they join us or them?

Hagrid: Well I could go inter everythin' tha' took nearly a whole chapter ter cover, or I could just say tha' I gave 'em Dumbledore's message an' all that's left ter do now is sit back an' hope fer the best.

Fang: Noms?

Hagrid: No.

Fang: Oh come on, you're not doing anything else with it!

Harry: So while you were talking to the giants, they beat the shit out of you? That's actually kind of good news if they do that to everyone, I mean, you can take it but the Death Eaters would probably get their brains bashed in, which would be nice.

Hagrid: …I didn't exactly get these injuries from those guys…

Hermione: I'm constantly glancing over at Harry when not talking to Hagrid. It's annoyingly noticeable. I'M NOT INTO HIM, STOP MAKING ME DO THIS.

Ron: Could be that you're still expecting his emotions to spiral so far out of control that his head'll fly off and swirl around the school several times before reattaching itself to his neck as if nothing had happened. That's how I'm rationalizing it anyway, stops me from butchering Harry with a steak knife.

Fang: Mmmm, steak… *drools*

Hagrid: Fine, eat it an' shut up.

Fang: YAAAAAAAY! *noms*

Harry: …Did I drop something, why am I moving like this—oh, some of your shit is bowing in the draft left by the window Hermione broke two years ago. Way to make the guy freeze to death, Hermy.

Hermione: …Shut up!

Hagrid and Blank Trio of Blankness: *stand up and look out the window over Hagrid's bed*

Hagrid: It's changin' out there. Each year's getting progressively darker, which is what we say every film an' we should jus' give it up as a bad job by this point. History is ter repeat itself, which is what we've been sayin' all movie. A storm's comin', Harry. We best be ready when she does.

Harry: Umbridge's already here, though. I know you haven't really experienced her wrath yet, but—

Hagrid: No, I was talkin' abou' Bellatrix, because I totally know she'll escape soonish.

Harry: OMIGOD YOU'RE FUCKING PSYCHIC.

Hermione: I look like McGonagall's just told me I've failed everything, the hell…?

~RANDOM LIGHTNING FOR NO REASON.~

Dolohov: I have an owie.

Dark Mark: …Am I breathing?

Bellatrix: Pardon me while I lick my Dark Mark seductively—Is that an asplosion I hear?

Roof of Azkaban: *explodes…and that's apparently all that was needed to form a mass breakout of Azkaban. Yeah, that makes sense*

Bellatrix: Hey cool, I can move around freely and we don't appear to be locked in cells of any kind. YAY THE WALL'S GONE AND THERE'S ONLY A HUNDRED FOOT DROP INTO THE FREEZING COLD WATERS BELOW WITH MILES AND MILES TO GO BEFORE THERE'S ANY SORT OF LANDMASS HOORAAAAAAY!

Book readers: …We did not expect it to be that tall. Or shaped like that. Or anything else.

Dementors: Are we on Voldemort's side now or what, he doesn't actually appear to be here right now…

~Oh look, another newspaper montage.~

Fudge: …There's been another breakout from Azkaban. A mass one this time. We've notified the Muggle Prime Minister again, and only him, since thankfully Lord Thingy will never consider going outside of the UK so we really don't have to worry about anyone else. Siriusly. Load off my mind, I can tell you that. However, informing him is the only thing we're going to be doing in order to handle this; we're certainly not about to station dementors around a school even though at this point I really don't care what happens to Potter, since there is absolutely no way whatsoever that Bellatrix might pull a Sirius and go after the only person she failed to severely fuck up when she went around killing and torturing people.

Headline: On a completely unrelated note, once again we see how beneficial governments can be. It's not like the Minister going out of his way to annoy the centaurs while he should be searching for escaped murderers and and shit is in any way similar to American governments worrying about gay marriage when…how many wars are we involved in now?

Wizarding Press: WHY ARE WE STILL WEARING MUGGLE CLOTHING, WHAT THE FLYING FUCKING SHIT FUCKERS.

Fudge: We also think that notorious mass murderer Sirius Black, after failing to kill Harry Potter, got bored for a year and did absolutely nothing before suddenly deciding it would be a totally awesome idea to break his cousin out of jail, because that totally makes sense.

Percy: I'm still in the movies!

Audience: No one cares.

Bellatrix: …Compared to the wanted posters from two movies ago, I really do look saner than my dear cousin. That is probably not a good thing. Also RAAAAAAAAAAAAAARG.

Neville: *looks severely pissed off* I can't remember how to fucking read.

Hermione: Dumbledore warned Fudge this could happen.

Harry and Ron: When was this?

Hermione: Honestly, don't you two read? It was at the end of the last book!

Ron: Not everyone reads the books, Hermione!

Hermione: Well they should.

Book readers: Agreed.

Movie watchers: You know, there are some parts that we don't get, but on the whole we're pretty much mostly satisfied and also possess the ability to move on with our lives.

Book readers: I do not comprehend your incoherent ramblings.

Hermione: Fudge's gonna get most of the fan favorites killed just 'cause he can't face the truth.

Rifftrax: That's great, Hermione—Hey look, there's muffins today!

Seamus: I'm still in the movies!

Harry: That's nice for you. *continues walking*

Seamus: Hold up, I'm trying to apologize!

Harry: Oh. Let's hear it, then.

Seamus: Nawrijfrinfdz ire tiserjgsirogjair g sreiog af riogj fiugnhgfvoiozjrgv poirjg.

Harry: …Wut?

Cho: Hang on, love, I got this for you. *turns on subtitles*

Seamus: Now even me mam says the Prophet's version of things don't add up.

Harry: Oh. Thanks, Cho.

Cho: Any time.

Seamus: ANYWAY, I believe you now and stuff, and I'm sorry that I didn't before.

Harry: Awww! I'd accept your apology if the scene didn't abruptly cut away to Neville.

Seamus: He's far more important than any of us, it's fine.

~Seamus's tie was tiny, what was up with that?~

Neville: *stares at mirror—not the walls, the one random mirror they taped a bunch of shit to*

Harry: Neville! You're here early.

Book readers: …Wait…The picture of the original Order, plus a bunch of articles on supposed Black sightings and disappearances and stuff? What, did the Loudmouth Trio of Failing To Keep Anything On The Down-Low actually tell the entire DA about how Sirius was innocent and about the Order and stuff? I know that they're trying to recruit guys to their side, but at this point they've still got people like Zacharias who they don't fully trust to not go running off to Umbridge with this kind of information! Assuming they'd believe that Sirius was innocent in the first place, it is kind of hard to believe unless you've got Peter as proof, something Zacharias claimed repeatedly that he wants all the time. Hell, Hermione only charmed that parchment to make it hex anyone who told about the meetings, nothing was done to make sure the DA members don't mention anything else! How could they have been so careless that they just spread this extremely sensitive information around like this, they better hope that the Ministry didn't snag these papers as well!

Neville: You didn't articulate that nearly as well as you could've.

iheartmwpp: I think I'm starting to get severely burnt out.

Neville: Anyway, remember that backstory you pretty much already got last year? Well considering I don't know that you know, here it is again, confusing the shit out of movie watchers who were convinced it was just Barty Crouch Jr. who tortured my parents into insanity from the limited information they were given last film.

Audience: CONTINUITY! THIS SERIES HAS NONE!

Frank and Alice: Don't we look cute and happy together.

Mad-Eye: 'Sup.

Neville: I'm quite proud to be their son, but I don't want anyone's pity so I don't like talking about it too much.

Harry: I think I understand. Don't worry, I won't tell anyone, you let them know when you're ready.

Neville: Thanks, Harry, you're a good friend.

Harry: *nods* We're gonna make them proud, Neville. It should be pretty easy, I defeat Voldemort and you're just the most badass person ever created in the history of ever.

Neville: Yar.

Sirius: Oh come on, why is this shot including Dumbledore? Narrow it so you're starting with me and ending with Moony, what the hell, no one cares about that ass clown. And…Who the hell is this guy behind my shoulder?

James: I love how I'm totally blocking another person's face with my head. XD

Peter: I'm surprised I was able to get out of a Death Eater meeting in order to be here.

Lily: Hello there, I don't think I have any flaws!

James: You're an inhuman freak. Have my children?

Lily: Sigh, fine.

Remus: You taught the other kids the Patronus Charm, yet?

Harry: I was planning on teaching it to them next scene.

Remus: Uh-huh. *nods, clearly disbelieving*

Harry: Hey, I really was!

Remus: No, no, I believe you. *said condescendingly*

Neville: It's true, I heard him talking about it with Ron and Hermione last night.

Harry: Thank you!

Remus: Sure, fine.

Harry: Just shut up, you're a fucking photograph!

Lily: Language, young man.

Harry: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!

Neville: *gigglesnort*

~Meanwhile, Cedric's wishing there's some kind of Wizarding Photoshop that lets you put people into other pictures so he can hang out with all the other cool dead people.~

Review or the Marauders will...prank...you...I don't know...


	14. Teh NIGEL IS THE SMARTEST DA MEMBER OF THEM ALL

Disclaimer: I do not own anything from the film/book Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, any other movie, book, or game in the series, A Very Potter Sequel, Monty Python and the Holy Grail, Code MENT, the Nostalgia Critic, Street Fighter,or Rifftrax.

~And now for a brief moment of happiness before everything goes to shit for the rest of the movie save for a short scene with the twins.~

Harry: I'm about to quote the revered Professor R. J. Lupin, so pay attention.

DA members: *instantly shut up and listen closely to everything he says*

Harry: Think of the happiest moment you can remember if at all possible, allow it to fill you up, lose yourself within it, then speak the incantation expecto patronum—oh, you all seem to have started failing it already. Fine then, carry on, don't bother listening to my advice when I already mastered it two years ago—Seamus! I didn't know you started coming here!

Seamus: I know, can you believe they actually kept this part from the book, it's brilliant!

George: We never find out what our Patronuses are, do we?

Fred: Seems that way. D'you think we'd have the same one?

George: Iunno.

Harry: We're calling corporeal Patronuses full-bodied because I never learn big words in the films. Or at school in general. Ever.

Hermione: Wouldn't it be Patroni?

Harry: Iunno.

Hermione: We should ask Remus about it when we see him again.

Harry: He doesn't know either.

Hermione: Huh. And here I thought he was the smart one.

Sirius: Technically, James and I were the smart ones. Remus was the one with a modicum of rarely used common sense.

Hermione: But…But he was reading a book during that one flashback we saw you guys in! Surely that means that he was the previous generation's version of me!

Remus: …It was OWL week, and unlike James and Sirius I can't memorize a page at a glance, so of course I'd be studying. That doesn't necessarily mean I forced James to quiz me, kept snatching the book back to make sure I got the answers exactly right word-for-word, and hit him in the face with a sharp corner of a book if I got impatient with his method of questioning!

Hermione: …Shut up!

Sirius: And don't call me Shirley!

Hermione: Shut up!

Harry: …Anyway, back to the Patronus Charm, it's kinda hard to actually get the hang of it, so failure is, quite frankly, expected at this point in the game.

Ron: Well that's encouraging as always. I'm really starting to question your teaching methods, mate.

Harry: Hey, I actually am paraphrasing Remus on this one.

Ron: …Huh. Weird.

Harry: Yep. Once you've mastered it, however, it can be used against a variety of opponents. And by variety I mean dementors and lethifolds and nothing else. It can also be used as a means of communication which we will only see correctly used once, that instance being Snape's, as Kingsley's fails to even resemble an animal of any kind, ditching the lynx in favor of random screaming faces of people being slaughtered. Because apparently Patronuses can do that.

Ginny: I assume this is my canonical Patronus; they got Luna's right, at any rate. Which is actually kind of awesome, it's rare that iheart's actually right about something when she had that theory, that was a complete shot in the dark!

Harry: As my love for you subconsciously deepens further…

Horsie!: *causes iheart to do a happy squee dance of spin at the prospect of having a random thought about the series be confirmededed*

Cho: Awww, I wanted to show off my swan! No fair!

Harry: There you are, I was wondering where you'd gone off to!

Cho: No, I actually seem to have skipped this lesson.

Harry: Oh. Eh, I'm sure it's nothing to worry about.

Ernie: Back to being pissed about canon Patroni not showing up. Admittedly my boar won't be seen till Book Seven so I'm not too miffed about it.

Justin: Yeah, only yours is never gonna be seen in the films. Technically, I don't think most of us are even in the films anymore.

Ernie: Oh. Bugger.

Susan: It is kind of nice that they're supposed to have these distinct animalistic shapes to them, it makes each one unique.

Harry: Well you actually can have ones that are similar to another person's. Sometimes an emotional upheaval of some kind can even change your Patronus completely, not that we'll ever find that out in this version because it's just so much more fun convincing half the audience that Snape's my real father because his Patronus matches my mother's.

Lee: That's cool. Still, it's pretty sweet how they look like animals at all instead of giant shield things that seem like they would be an entirely different spell altogether.

Michael: No kidding, and it's certainly awesome that you're so good at them that it pretty much always takes the shape of a stag instead of these incorporeal bits of white smoke that's all we can manage at the moment, eh, Potter?

Harry: …So yeah, these things work as long as you stay focused on whatever it is your focusing on, so focus! Luna!

Luna: Can't talk, focusing.

Harry: Ah. Right. Um…carry on then.

Luna: I will, thanks.

Harry: …

Hermione: *giggles as her Patronus swirls around her. It is an otter, which is the largest member of the weasel family. TAKE A FUCKING HINT, PEOPLE*

Harry: Think of the happiest thing you can, Neville.

Neville: My childhood's about as crap as yours and I don't have any close friends or random adults who give a shit, I don't exactly have a lot to go on.

Harry: You will in a couple of years, I guarantee it.

Ron: Expecto patronum.

PUPPY!: *awwww, ish a puppy!*

Neville: Hey wow, I'm comic relief again. I'm sure everyone is surprised.

Ron: Sorry, mate!

Neville: Don't sweat it.

Luna: Expecto patronum!

Hare: *is not a rabbit, and is thus quite well-behaved. HAHA U C WHUT I DID THAR*

Remus: *eyeroll*

Harry: I AM FUCKING AWESOME. Also note how I smile the most when I see Luna's Patronus, hmm…

Chandelier: Ow-face.

Ron: I think I'd be more freaked out by the chandelier shaking if Luna's Patronus wasn't dive-bombing everyone.

Ginny: WTF.

Hare: I go bye-bye nowz.

Luna: I is teh sad.

DA members: Oh dear. The room seems to be collapsing in on itself. Let's just stand here like a bunch of dumbasses and not do anything about it.

Dobby: Dobby would have liked to come and warn Harry Potter and his friends, but alas, Dobby has taken a new role as Sir Not Appearing In This Film. Also earwax.

Harry: This does not bode well.

Hermione: OH NOES MY REFLECTION DIEDED wah-face.

Mirror wall things: *shatter*

DA members: Oh snap.

Tiny triangular hole: *is a tiny hole in the shape of a triangle*

Nigel: *steps forward*

Harry: Nigel, what d'you think you're doing?

Nigel: I'm trying to require the room to refuse to let anyone else in and prevent the wall being blasted apart so we can then focus on requiring the room to give us another way out.

Harry: YOU CAN'T! GET AWAY FROM THAT WALL THIS INSTANT!

Nigel: But we're just being ass retarded by just standing here and doing nothing, I thought you were training us to be men of action!

Harry: DO AS I SAY! *drags Nigel away from the wall*

Nigel: …You're an incompetent asshole and I weep for the future of the Wizarding World.

Umbridge: 'Sup, bitches?

Harry: Fuck my life.

Umbridge: Bombarda maxima. Oh, the explosion is now going inwards instead of attempting to hit us in the face, that's interesting…

DA members: Oh the pain. *several are knocked out by explosion*

Inquisitorial Squad: Haaaaaaaaaaai.

Rifftrax: Clearly an eight-man operation. Couldn't've happened without that tall guy in the back.

Malfoy: Look who we dragged along and who seems extremely morose and regretful.

Cho: …We're pretty much over, aren't we?

Harry: I think I would've asked why you did such a thing and, upon finding out you'd been dosed with Veritaserum, would have no longer cared and the relationship might've lasted a bit longer. But yeah, right now, you can go fuck yourself.

Cho: Brilliant.

Umbridge: …Get them? *stares incredulously at the Slytherins*

Inquisitorial Squad: …You're kind of in the way.

Umbridge: Oh, sorry about that, my bad.

~So a very small group of children plus a Squib was clearly able to take down over twenty armed and trained students with no problems whatsoever. Yeah, that makes sense.~

Fawkes: Trying to sleep here!

Umbridge: That Mudblood Granger really wasn't all that smart when she just left this lying around like that considering she promised MacMillan she wouldn't. She's as much of a lying liar who lies as Potter, I swear. Anyway, it totally says Dumbledore's Army, which means we were totally right in our paranoia. After all, is it really paranoia if people really are out to get you?

Dumbledore: How does everyone keep getting in here?

Fudge: I'm shaking my head in disappointment rather than triumph, the hell?

Percy: I'm still in the movies!

Harry: Get your filthy hands off me, you damn dirty ginger.

Cho: I want to kill myself.

Harry: Do you require any assistance?

Cho: *sniff*

Umbridge: So yeah, Dumbledore was trying to distract us with news that the Dark Lord has returned so he could hide his plans to, you guessed it, take over the world.

M. Bison: Of COURSE!

Kingsley: Notice how I'm surreptitiously glancing over at Potter that is in no way obvious.

Dawlish: 'Ello, 'ello! I'm totally ineffectual!

Dumbledore: All of you are correct. Except Kingsley, who is being painfully noticeable.

Harry: Oh hells no! I'm…suddenly oddly defensive of the man who I kind of hate this year all of a sudden, weird. But yeah, it was all me and stuff.

Dumbledore: Quit with the lying liar who lies thing, Harry, you really should've named your group Potter's Army so the blame could've been placed on you. Alas, you fail. Also earwax. Anyway, I made Harry do all this shit, blame me for everything.

Umbridge: Oh, this is just too good. I told you I was gonna destroy you, Dumbledore. And now you are dead.

Fudge: This is one to add to the next Prophet montage.

Percy: Why don't I have any lines?

Harry: You're not worth any at this point, and it's arguable whether you ever will be again.

Percy: Touché.

Fudge: I sound exhausted, what the hell, I should be all energetic and excited. Meh. So. Dumbledore. Azkaban and stuff. Let's go. *stifles a yawn*

Dumbledore: Hmm, let me think about—no.

Harry: …What?

Kingsley: Nothin'.

Harry: Quit staring, then, you're freaking me out.

Kingsley: Oh, sorry.

Dumbledore: Yeah, saw the effect Azkaban had on Sirius, don't really fancy going there myself. So if you don't mind, I think I'll just make my escape now and go on the run for a few months. Who knows, might start tracking down a Horcrux or something in the meantime.

Umbridge: Yeah, we're going. Now. And notice how, once again, I'm in people's way and don't actually do any of the dirty work myself.

Dumbledore: Spoken like a true politician. *winks at Harry*

Harry: I am apparently not wanting to violently murder you this time, weird.

Fawkes: Let us GTFO.

Dumbledore: Sweet. *explodes*

Nearly everyone: *falls over*

Harry: …That. Was. Awesome.

Fire: *vanishes*

Nearly everyone: *gets back up*

Kingsley: *low whistle* Okay, I know we hate him and all, but that was pretty badass, you gotta admit.

Umbridge: What? Where'd he go?

Kingsley: He Disapparated!

Umbridge: That's bullshit, Shacklebolt! You can't Disapparate inside of Hogwarts! Right?

Random audience member: Right!

Umbridge: Right! Damn it! *kicks Cho in the face* You got lucky Potter. But I know you guilty too. And I'm gonna get all of you! Because with Dumbledore gone, guess who gets to be the headmaster nooooooow!

Snape: *excitedly* Me?

Ron: *excitedly* Snape?

Umbridge: No! Me! Your mama! UMBRIDGE! And from now on we gonna be doing things around here MY WAY! We gonna be doing things…THE UMBRIDGE WAY!

Harry: Joyous.

~WOOOOO NO MORE DA TRAINING MONTAGES WOOT. Which is weird for me to be celebrating, they were my favorite parts in the book, but I just can't bring myself to care here.~

Review or Umbridge will huff and she'll puff and she'll blow your mirror-covered walls in.


	15. Teh TELEPORTING BIKE HANDLE THING

Disclaimer: I do not own anything from the film/book Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, any other movie, book, or game in the series, A Very Potter Musical or Sequel, Eddie Izzard, CrazyAboutJazzy14's idea, Code MENT, Suburban Knights, or Rifftrax.

~HEY Filch is hanging up another sign no one cares.~

Ladder: *is so close to falling over, and yet so far…*

Thunder: Grar.

Alarmed Trio of This Does Not Bode Well: *turns around*

Random kid: Hi! I'm gonna run away now! *runs away now*

Puzzled Trio of Is Ron's Bag Strap Made Out Of A Vine Or Something: …Okay…

Snape: "Educational Decree Number Twenty-Eight: By order of the Ministry of Magic, Dolores Jane Umbridge shall replace Albus Dumbledore as Headmaster of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Teachers are hereby forbidden from giving out any information not strictly related to the subject they are paid to teach. All student teams, societies, clubs, and activities are henceforth disbanded." This is bullshit. *walks off*

Umbridge: Damn it, this is my voiceover, Butt Trumpet! God…So anyway! Erm…He just said everything I wanted to. Bugger. Also all of these intercom things are totally magical and not Muggle in any way. OH! Boys and girls are not permitted to be within eight inches of each other, so if you happen to be casual friends with a member of the opposite sex then you're basically fucked, because no one can come across a member of the opposite sex without wanting to screw them anyway. Also this means that siblings presumably can't hang out anymore either. And I'm still convinced that homosexuality is just some kind of mental disease and can't possibly exist. Which actually might be true for most of the Ministry higher-ups, come to think of it…

Portraits: WE HAVE BEEN REMOVED IT IS SAD.

Audience: …If they're removing all the portraits, then how are the Gryffindors gonna be able to enter and exit their common room. Where is the Fat Lady, anyway, we haven't seen her in two movies. Was she recast again or what?

Umbridge: My announcements are really just reading off the list of Educational Decrees I've already read out. I'm sure no one really wants to hear those again.

Filch: Meow meow hiss meow.

David Heyman and probably a bunch of other filmmakers I'm too lazy to look up: HOW THE FUCK ARE WE SUPPOSED TO SLIDE OUT OF FRAME LIKE THIS WHERE THE FUCK ARE WE GOING WHEN THIS HAPPENS IS THIS SOME KIND OF LIMBO OR PURGATORY WHAT IS THE PURPOSE OF OUR EXISTENCE DAMN I'D KILL FOR A MOUNTAIN DEW. *fall into the abyss…or something…look I DON'T KNOW*

Door: Still with the locking thing from Film Three. I'm positive fans were desperate for a callback to that scene.

~Siriusly, I distinctly remember the book describing the quills as being black, why do these have a pinkish hue?~

DA members: Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Hubcaps. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow.

Audience: WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED TO THE HOUSE TABLES. THERE IS NO WAY UMBRIDGE IS ANY GOOD AT TRANSFIGURATION AND NO WAY MCGONAGALL WOULD CONSENT TO DOING IT FOR HER. Unless she just had the house-elves do it, that seems plausible I guess…

Luna: Thankfully the poojies are masking the pain so I'll only feel lightheaded at the massive amount of blood loss.

Harry: Already there. *is close to passing out from that and the sheer agony of the torture that none of the kids who actually have parents are thinking to write to them and complain of blatant child abuse. BRITAIN'S FINEST, LADIES AND JELLY SPOONS!*

Umbridge: *drinking tea* I do love it when dinner is accompanied by some light entertainment.

CrazyAboutJazzy14: A creative death for Umbridge? Shove her into a room designed to lull her into a false sense of security. Completely pink, with kitty plates on every wall, a lifelong supply of overly sugared tea and possibly live kittens. Perfect for her, basically, except that the place has nothing to sit or lean on. She'll get tired of standing sooner or later... at which point, if she dares try to lean against a wall or sit on the floor, a lovely collection of spikes, daggers and all manner of pointy things, possibly rusty, will come out of it and stab her. Also, to make sure she really dies, the aforementioned tea is poisoned and the cute kitties are really vicious robots programmed specifically to claw her eyes out.

iheartmwpp: Whichever twin is in the back is doing a far better job of glaring in hatred than the one in front.

Rifftrax: They'd resent her if she weren't so damn sexy.

Umbridge: *pets throne-like chair arm thing* I'm going to masturbate on here later.

~Thought I'd scar you all for life. Though it kinda looks like her expression is saying that anyway. Either that or she orgasmed upon grabbing the chair arm thing. Imma go vomit now.~

Cho: I am standing outside in symbolic solidarity with those who are undergoing the torturous activities within.

DA members: WE ARE ALL VIOLENTLY HATING ON YOU AND IGNORING YOU.

Ginny: FEAR MY SHOULDER BASH OF DEATH!

Zacharias: I like the way you think—

Ginny: Don't talk to me.

Cho: So Harry, I was thinking about that time we made out—

Harry: Don't flatter yourself, I was trying to bite your tongue off so I wouldn't have to hear your ugly face anymore. *walks off*

Cho: Hmm…Maybe I should just tell everyone that the toad forced me to drink Veritaserum…Naaaaah, that'd be integillent, we can't have that coming from any Ravenclaw students.

~God, some of these plot holes are so mind-blowingly obvious…~

Ron: That woman is completely undefeatable. Siriusly, we get an interview mention that she's in Azkaban after the war ends, that's not nearly enough! She's an inhuman monster who seems to leech joy out of everything around her.

Hermione: Yeah Harry, quit beating yourself up about this.

Harry: HA!

Hermione: Even Dumbledore didn't see this coming, and he's the bestest, most bravest, most wisest, most talented, smartest, most awesomest, practical wizard—

Ron: Beautiful.

Hermione: —most beautiful wizard who's ever lived who can do no wrong except consistently fail when we need him most. Also blame us for once, you're allowed, you know.

Ron: It was all Hermione's idea, yes.

Hermione: Ta ever so for your undying support.

Ron: I'm here for you, love.

Harry: Yeah but I agreed to the whole thing. I tried so hard to help, and all it's done is make things worse. It's not like over twenty people who wouldn't have known otherwise suddenly know how to defend themselves if they were ever faced off against a Death Eater nor could they at least keep a dementor at bay long enough to escape should they completely abandon Azkaban or anything, I haven't done a Goddamn thing to help any of these people and will never be able to live with myself. But it doesn't matter anymore because I am just one more Educational Decree from jumping off this fucking bridge that still doesn't have the courtesy to blow up on us. Or under us. Right now. That'd be nice too. All of this has been a desperate attempt to actually make me give a flying fuck and it's not working. Besides, the more you actually give a flying fuck, the more suicidal you'll get when it's all violently ripped away from you…how the fuck did Moony not kill himself fourteen years ago. Fuck, time to take another leaf out of his book, it's probably just better to—

Hermione: To what. *sounds totally uninterested; neither her or Ron look like they really care at all that Harry's getting more and more suicidal. What great friends!*

Harry: Don't you get it? I have to do this by myself. I did it once when I was a baby, I, I can't have you guys be near me, you're too much at risk!

Hermione: No, we don't care about the risk!

Harry: No, you don't understand, you…You have to get away from me.

Ron: You can't mean that. *looks like he's about to cry*

Harry: I do! Leave me alone! *is about to run away but is stopped by Hagrid reminding the audience that he exists*

Hagrid: I exist.

Harry: OMFG I TOTALLY FORGOT YOU EXISTED.

Hagrid: I WANNA PLAY HIDE AN' SEEK!

Harry: OKAY!

~REALLY FUCKING SUDDEN RANDOM JUMP CUT THAT TERRIFIES EVERYONE!~

Hagrid: I am leading yeh deep inter the fores' now, because I'm still somehow a teacher so evidently tha's okay. Or somethin'. Iunno.

Ron: Allow me to ask within earshot of Hagrid where he's taking us, because as the sidekick I am incapable of actually asking someone I also consider a friend what he's doing.

Hermione: This is true.

Harry: Fine, I'll ask then. Hagrid, WTF, man?

Hagrid: Hang on, I jus' heard somethin'.

Centaurs: Hey, remember when one of us had plot relevance? Us either! WHEEEEEEEE! *canter past*

Hagrid: My beard's turnin' gray. Also we used ter have a subplot abou' Umbridge an' the Ministry tryin' ter fuck up anythin' they considered ter be "half-breed" tha' was so small we're surprised tha' it's even acknowledged whatsoever. Centaurs usually like ter be left alone, they're not exactly dangerous so much as deliberately vague an' unhelpful, I dunno what the screenwriter was thinkin' right here. But yeah, if the Ministry keeps tryin' ter take their land away from them like this, they'll end up with a bunch of very homeless, very pissed off centaurs with hooves that can easily kick your head in and kill you instantly on their hands. Wait, why am I freakin' out abou' this, tha' sounds awesome and most o' those bastards deserve it, the ones who don' will be easy enough ter remove as there aren' tha' many.

Hermione's eyebrows: Okay, Hagrid, Siriusly, why the fuck did you bring us out here.

Hagrid: I'm sorry ter deliberately not tell anythin' ter you three till we actually get ter a point where we could all be violently killed at any moment…

Rifftrax: But that's the foundation of any given story in this series, so…

Hagrid: Anyway, yeah, with Dumbledore gone it's legitimately amazin' tha' Umbridge didn' kick me out as soon as he left, but as it is it really could happen at any time.

Hermione: The camera's been focusing far too much on Hagrid, it's time to shine a bit on the real star of these films!

Ron: Oh for fuck's sake.

Hagrid: An' I jus' couldn' leave withou' tellin' someone abou' him, somethin' I really should've done earlier if only ter shut you lot up from continuously askin' me why I've been beat up again.

~Took me several rewatches to realize this was another jump cut considering the trio's positions have been completely reversed and Hagrid is now holding a branch. YAY FOR THIS FILM'S COMPLETE LACK OF TRANSITIONS!~

Hagrid: Grawpy!

Grawp: Oh goodness me, you seem to have disturbed me from a rather lovely afternoon nap. I was having quite a pleasant dream, you know, I'm rather sad that I won't be able to enjoy it further.

Freaked Out Trio of Oh Fuck No: …Oh God why.

Hagrid: Down here, you great buffoon!

Grawp: *looks kind of like the dude from Mad Magazine* I say, that's quite a rude thing to call your own kin, is it not? Oh dear. *sees a bird that's about to defecate onto the Distressed Trio of This Cannot Be Happening*

Distressed Trio of This Cannot Be Happening: OH GOD IT'S GONNA KILL US MERLIN'S FLUORESCENT LIGHTING WHY ARE WE EVEN HERE.

Grawp: That's quite enough of that. *smashes bird* I will not have any sort of feces coating the visages of my dear brother's friends, if you don't mind.

Hagrid: Stop freakin' out the kids.

Alarmed Trio of Can We Stop Ducking Now: …Siriusly, why are we here.

Grawp: Oh my! A female of your species! I must investigate this at once! *stomps toward Terrified Trio of I Just Shit Myself*

Terrified Trio of I Just Shit Myself: Yeah, we are so leaving. *backs the fuck up*

Grawp: *comes to the end of his tether* Oh come now, old boy, I do believe that this is highly unnecessary.

Anxious Trio of I Want My Mummy: …Tell me Dumbledore knows about this.

Hagrid: I have no idea. I couldn' leave him behind, though, 'cause…well, 'cause he's my brother.

Grawp: Indeed, and I would like to be introduced to your acquaintances as such, instead of one of your wild beasts. Not to mention that this rope chafes me so, you could at least do me the courtesy of loosening it slightly so as to better maneuver myself.

Ron: Oy vey.

Hagrid: Well, half-brother, anyway.

Harry: How did I get over here? OH GOD HE'S COMING THIS WAY AGAIN WE MUST BEHAVE LIKE TRUE GRYFFINDORS AND RUN LIKE CHILDREN!

Hagrid: Oh get over yerselves, he's completely harmless, jus' like I said.

Hermione: You said the same thing about Norbert even after she bit Ron where he was in the hospital wing for several days due to poisoning.

Hagrid: Oh what do you know.

Hermione: I know I'm about to trip over this tree root—AAAAAAAAAHH THAT HAND CAME OUT OF FUCKING NOWHERE IT WASN'T ANYWHERE NEAR ME DURING THAT LAST CUT WHY DOES THIS SCENE FEEL SO RUSHED THEY COULD'VE SPENT MORE TIME MAKING THIS LOOK A BIT MORE PROFESSIONAL INSTEAD OF COBBLED TOGETHER AT THE LAST MINUTE THIS IS THE SECOND SHORTEST FILM IN THE FRANCHISE THEY COULD'VE STRETCHED IT A BIT WHAT IS WRONG WITH THESE PEOPLE I NEED TO TRIM MY TOENAILS PRETTY SOON.

Grawp: *how is he not crushing her, Siriusly* Now, now, no need to be so alarmed, I'm merely trying to rationalize in my own mind exactly how such tiny breasts could possibly be sufficient enough to feed your kind's offspring.

Hagrid: Oi! Grawp, we talked abou' this!

Ron: I'm not nearly as freaked out as I should be!

Harry: Neither do I, I actually look more curious than anything else.

Hermione: Why do I hang out with any of you.

Hagrid: Tha's yer new friend, Hermy.

Hermione: Oh come the fuck on!

Hagrid: Wha? Tha' was hysterical in the book!

Hermione: NO IT FUCKING WASN'T!

Ron: Imma run behind Harry to grab a log, but in the next cut I'll have Apparated in front of him to try and smash it into Grawp's leg.

Harry: Siriusly, all these cuts are making me nauseous.

Grawp: That was extremely uncalled for, good sir. *kicks Ron in the chest, smashing all of his ribs which pierce his heart and lungs, killing him instantly*

Hagrid: I don' care abou' you kickin' Ron in the slightest. CLEARLY I AM ONE O' THE MOST BELOVED CHARACTERS IN THE FRANCHISE!

Ron: I hate everything.

Harry: And now I'm mildly disinterested in this whole thing.

Grawp: Tonks wishes she could imitate my pig-like nose.

Tonks: Nope, pretty content with my own impression, thanks.

Grawp: Well if you're sure…

Hermione: Grawp!

Grawp: Yes? What can I do for you, young lady?

Hermione's eyebrows: PUT ME THE FUCK DOWN RIGHT NOW OR I SWEAR I'LL CUT OFF YOUR NIPPLES AND SHOVE THEM UP YOUR ASS.

Grawp: …Well that sounds rather painful. No, I wouldn't like that at all. My, you womenfolk can be rather violent at times.

Harry and Ron: Could we hurry this up, we have a plot to get back to.

Grawp: Oh if you insist. *sets Hermione back down*

Hagrid: Good boy.

Grawp: I am not your pet, and in the future you shall not treat me as such.

Hermione: Imma cower behind you two now.

Grawp: *sighs* There goes my chance for human companionship.

Ron: Are you all right?

Hermione's eyebrows: Yep, shockingly I seem rather okay despite the rather large amount of urine I left on his hand. He just needs a firm word or two, is all, which is why what Hagrid's been doing has not worked at all. He's too soft on his brother, if you ask me.

Harry: I am now imagining human/giant relationships. Bit disturbing, really, considering we're basically talking about a female human and a male giant, and…well…

Hermione: Oh don't you dare go there.

Grawp: Now let's see what kind of object could be deemed useful…

Ron: NEVER COME NEAR HER AGAIN, SHE'S MINE, DO YOU HEAR ME? MINE!

Grawp: I'm not entirely sure where I would have come across a strange Muggle object such as a bicycle, but evidently I did at one point, so there you are. *tweaks bell thing* I must admit that I am easily amused by the pleasant sound this bell makes.

Previously Frightened Trio of Current Disinterest: …That's nice for you.

Grawp: Here, would you like to attempt at producing sound, young miss?

Hermione: …Okaaay… *takes bicycle handle*

Grawp: Well? Go on, then, we're all waiting for you!

Hermione: …This is so dumb and pointless.

Hagrid: Jus' bear with it a little longer.

Hermione: Fine. *tweaks bell thing*

Grawp: Oh good show, very well done indeed.

Hermione: …I feel like my IQ just dropped down into the 100s.

Hagrid: He's able ter get his own food an' all…somehow…can' imagine how anythin' short of a couple o' centaurs would be enough but what do I know. It's company he'll be needin' while I'm gone, so thankfully I never actually leave in this version.

Grawp: *IS NOW HOLDING THE BICYCLE HANDLES AGAIN, WITH NO TRACE OF HERMIONE HOLDING IT AT ALL. THE MOVIES HAVEN'T BEEN EDITED THIS POORLY SINCE THE TIME TURNER SEQUENCE OF FILM THREE* I do love this soft little sound, it's quite soothing. *rings bell thing again and sits down, making a couple of trees fall on top of the main characters, once again killing them instantly*

Hagrid: Please do this fer me, you lot. I'm the only family he's got. Which is actually a plea fer human companionship myself since what I'm really sayin' is tha' he's the only family I've got left as well.

Hermione: I seem to have instantly taken to him in this version rather than continuing to despise him.

Ron: He will die violently in his sleep for his transgressions. *rubs broken ribs painfully* Could we hurry this up, I really think I need to get to the hospital wing.

Harry: Hagrid and I are SO SPIRITUALLY CONNECTED RIGHT NOW. Therefore of course I will, I don't know about those two but I understand perfectly, as I only have one remaining person I consider family myself.

Ron, Hermione, Hagrid, the rest of the Weasleys, Dumbledore, Remus, Tonks, eventually Neville and Luna, Hedwig, Dobby, and probably quite a few other people besides: …Glad to see you think so highly of us.

Sirius: *does a happy dance* He loves me the best, nyah, nyah, nyah nyah, nyaaaaah!

Everyone else: Go fuck yourself.

~So this would be the film's third actual transition, then? Also we never see Grawp again in the films. That was time well spent.~

Review or Grawp will crush you to death and try to hand you a bicycle handle to make up for it only you won't be able to take it on account of you'll be dead.


	16. Teh SNAPE'S WORST—WAIT, THAT WAS IT?!

Disclaimer: I do not own anything from the film/book Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, any other movie, book, or game in the series, A Very Potter Sequel, beeabeeon49 (TOLD YOU I'D STEAL IT!), Cowboy Bebop, cutietrp's idea, Dracarot's idea, The Room, or Rifftrax.

~When we last left our stupid, unappealing heroes, Harry was staring blankly to the side of the camera in whatever direction the director told him to look before morphing into his father in an actual transition of some kind.~

James: 'Sup.

Eleven-year-old Harry: *singing softly* I know you…I've seen you in a dream/An old familiar scene from somewhere…/And you know me…There's a glowing in your eyes/I know and recognize from somewhere/Those voices, singing out, la la la la la…

Snape: This song sucks.

Harry: Your face sucks!

Snape: Uh-huh. You're continuing to fail, I see.

Harry: Stay the fuck out of my head, you asshole.

Snape: Can't, Dumbledore told me to keep mind raping you so you'd be prepared for when the Dark Lord started to have his own sadistic pleasures.

Harry: I'm Siriusly starting to hate that ass clown.

Snape: Siriusly, though, you really need to start putting some effort into this. I'm considering all the personal details of your life as weapons the Dark Lord can use against you rather than the strength Dumbledore would've told you your compassion for your loved ones is, which is rather the opposite of what Dumbledore wants you to learn, but I fail at teaching so there you go.

Harry: This is a rather good grr face I got going on here.

Snape: *sneer* You're just like your father.

Harry: Why thank you at this point.

Snape: Lazy—

Harry: Oh yeah, studying how to become an Animagus for three years straight and managing it when he was in his fifth year, and still passing his OWLs with flying colors by the sound of it, definitely qualifies as lazy. And I'm sure that creating a map requires no legwork or surveying of the area whatsoever, let alone making a map of a fucking magic school where shit shifts around all the time. Yeah, that must've taken practically no effort whatsoever.

Snape: Weak—

Rifftrax: An exquisite tap dancer—

Harry: Again with the Animagus thing! And didn't Hagrid mention something about Voldemort—

Snape: DO NOT SPEAK THE DARK LORD'S NAME!

Harry: And here I thought you were the bravest man I ever knew. But I could've sworn that Voldemort wanted to recruit both of my parents at one point, and he wouldn't have done so if they were weak, would he?

Snape: Wormtail.

Harry: There's an exception to every rule.

Snape: Aaaaaand your father was also arrogant.

Harry: …

Snape: …

Harry: …Fuck you.

Snape: Snappy comeback.

Harry: And anyway, I'm not any of those things, so nyah.

Snape: Oh yeah? Prove it.

Harry: Fine! I've been working my ass off all year to try and pass my OWLs, which is made extraordinarily difficult by the fact that Umbridge keeps giving me detentions that last upwards of seven hours and by all rights should leave me unable to even hold a quill much less do all my essays. On top of that I happen to be running an underground student group where I'm the one teaching them all the magic I know, so don't accuse me of being lazy. I can't be arrogant either, as I hardly ever think about myself and am always thinking about helping my friends and loved ones out, and this year yes I do kind of get an "It's all about me" mentality, like any other fifteen-year-old would have, it's the first time I've actually felt normal! And I'm not fucking weak, I survived Voldemort like four times, actually kicking his ass the first three and managing to escape the last time, and I defy you to find me a weak wizard who can produce a corporeal Patronus!

Snape: That's nice, now learn to control your emotions and discipline your mind.

Harry: You. Aren't. Telling. Me. How. Also I'd like to see some of the same from you since you refuse to control your anger and hatred at myself and my father, you fucking hypocrite.

Snape: *ignores him* Legilimens!

Harry: Ack!

Maze: I are creepy.

Harry: …Creepy…Why do I have my wand out when I know it's just my fellow champions here with me, I'm not all that confrontational—

Squirrel: *makes a cute little cheep noise thing*

Harry: I WILL KILL EVERYTHING IN THE WORLD.

Grawp: That's quite enough of that. *smashes bird* I will not have any sort of feces coating the visages of my dear brother's friends, if you don't mind.

Sirius: I expect you're tired of hearing something you've never actually heard before in the films, but you look so like your father, to the point of people thinking I can't tell the two of you apart, including the filmmakers, which is lovely except not at all. Except your eyes. You have—

Harry: Hey, I actually know this one! My mother's eyes, Lupin told me. Yay, I'm learning so much about my parents this year even though I learned absolutely nothing about my father and his friends whatsoever. Apart from their names, really.

Fawkes: Let us GTFO.

Dumbledore: Sweet. *explodes*

Harry: And me referencing nargles implies that I'm still thinking of Luna as I'm about to kiss you. *leans in and kisses her*

Cho: *muffled against his lips* Charming.

Voldemort: I still look good in a suit.

Arthur: YOU'RE TEARING ME APART, NAGINI!

James and Lily: Hey, we still look far too old to be in our early twenties! Also, cool, you actually have more than one picture of us and they decided to show it off in the film! Siriusly, none of the ones in the book are even described, ever, not even of our wedding where the description just lingered on the best man. WTF.

Sirius's wanted poster: HEY, HARRY! I'M REALLY SORRY I MISSED ALL OF YOUR BIRTHDAYS AND MOST OF YOUR CHRISTMASSES! I'LL—GET OFF ME, CAN'T YOU SEE I'M TRYING TO TALK TO MY BABY GODSON? ANYWAY, HARRY, I'LL TRY TO MAKE IT UP TO YOU THIS CHRISTMAS, THOUGH IT MIGHT NOT GET TO YOU TILL THE END OF THE MOVIE, HOPE THAT'S OKAY!

Door to the Department of Mysteries: *sing-song voice* FORESHADOWIIIIIING!

Voldemort: LOOK AT MY HAND! LOOK AT IT! *same thing with the prophecy and the lamp and the sun and the what the fuck is up with this imagery*

Harry: I can haz love and affection?

Sirius: Of course you can! HUGGLES! *actually leans down a bit due to the fact that Daniel Radcliffe is really freaking short, which is teh lolz*

Molly: Oh sure, it's fine if he's hugging you, but apparently when I do it I cut off your oxygen.

Harry: …But you do cut off my oxygen—OW MY BACK.

Sirius: *burying his face in Harry's shoulder* I missed you so much, little one… *squeezes even harder if possible*

Snape: I'm in ur memory, spoiling one of ur last moments with ur godfather.

Harry: Oh fuck you with a shovel!

Snape: You are a failing failure made of fail.

Harry: That's nice, can I have a glass of water or something?

Snape: *tackles him into the desk* THE DARK LORD ISN'T DRINKING WATER!

Harry: …Then how the crap is he still alive? Horcruxes or no, water is still kind of necessary for—

Snape: DO NOT QUESTION MY INFINITE KNOWLEDGE!

Harry: OKAY, OKAY, PLEASE DON'T KILL ME!

Snape: *sneers* You and Black, you're two of a kind—

Harry: Why thank you.

Snape: A couple of bitchy children constantly whining about how unfair your lives are, never mind the fact that your lives have been so horrible that you've really earned the right to bitch about it at this point. Well it may have escaped your notice, but life isn't fair.

Harry: …Aren't you now bitching about how much your own life sucks by saying that?

Snape: SILENCE! So yeah, your blessed father knew that life wasn't fair by having the only bad things in his life be dealing with a close friend who had a horrible disease and the girl he liked not liking him back until their last year at school. Woe was him. So to make himself feel better, he constantly stole my lunch money, the prick. *legitimately makes me tear up with that face. ALL HAIL ALAN RICKMAN*

Harry: MY FATHER WAS TOTALLY AWESOME!

Snape: *still loves to physically abuse his students…okay, I know that in the current political climate it's a bad idea to call Umbridge out on her abuse of the students, but Snape's been getting away with this shit for years, Dumbledore would never condone—oh wait, we're dealing with a guy who likes to throw his favorite students into trophy cases, never mind* Your father was a duck who I wanted to shoot with an air rifle and then wring its neck. Until. It. DIED. *grabs Harry's arm and throws him into a chair, which shatters and several large chunks of wood are embedded into his flesh* Legilimens!

Harry: *whips out wand—yeah, yeah, the penis jokes are hilarious* PROTEGO!

Snape: OH GOD MY EYE! I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO GET CAMERAS IN MY EYE, MY HEALER SAID SO!

Teenage flashback Severus: *is all morose-looking and alone and depressed and looking down all the time and OH MY GOD HE IS ME. Also he has a piece of toilet paper stuck to his shoe. Has anyone ever seen something like that happen in real life. I have not, and my pre-K through eighth grade school was in the toilet. This is probably just a dumb stereotype since they couldn't really put him in really thick stupid-looking glasses and suspenders so the filmmakers could say, "HEY, HERE'S THE KID WHO GETS PICKED ON LOTS! Or something, Iunno, it's dumb, I think we'll be getting the gist of that message soon enough*

CUBBIES!: We are evil. Also we had no idea Hogwarts actually had any of these. Must've ditched them in the past twenty years or something…Woooow, this almost is twenty years ago exactly. Weird.

Severus: Forget the part where my Muggle father is shouting at my witch mother while I'm crying in the corner, me just sitting against the wall will perfectly illustrate my fucked-up childhood.

Tree!: I HAVE A HOLLOW! No not a Hallow, a hollow.

Marauders: Why were we in a boat?

Severus: …Did you lot sail across the lake for the express purpose of tormenting me in what is presumably my happy place?

Marauders: Evidently.

Severus: Oh joyous. I can tell we get along so well.

James: Allow me to namedrop Moony and Padfoot to further confuse the movie watchers and to make the book readers wonder where Wormtail is, even though he's totally in this scene if they freeze-frame it, which they'll really have to end up doing if they want to see any part of this scene whatsoever. Also, I look nothing like Daniel Radcliffe, what is Sirius on about when he says Harry looks exactly like me?

Sirius: Also, I think this is the part where fans really started to drift away from us a bit, there's this great divide between fans who love this scene and those who hate it.

Peter: Hey, iheart, what's your stance?

iheartmwpp: Well, I kinda used to not mind it so much. I always thought this scene came before the Sirius Tries To Feed Severus To Remus explanation thingy in Book Three, when, in my mind, everyone would suddenly mature and redeem themselves. Then Book Seven came out and said, nope, the Whomping Willow incident happened first and my favorite characters continue to be assholes. So, despite Remus, Sirius, and Severus being my three top favorites with James and Peter…I have no idea where they rank, actually – anyway, you all suck except for Lily, so nyah. Although considering she's actually too stupid to realize that Severus was forced to sleep in a room with a bunch of people who would literally slit his throat if it didn't at least look like he shared their opinions…hmm…Yeah, every single one of you fails at life. As evidenced by not one of you surviving the series.

Remus: …So you still like us because…?

iheartmwpp: Fanfiction makes everyone awesome. I've read one where Umbridge is a decent and sympathetic character, because she was basically wearing a mask or something. Don't ask me to name it, though, I read it like two years ago and promptly forgot about most of it. And I've read a few that try to make you guys continue to be awesome while you do these horrible things, and though only a couple of them are remotely convincing at least some people try!

James: Never mind that steaming pile of hippogriff dung right now, I must make this small, lonely person absolutely helpless in order to show off my Gryffindor courage and attack someone who has absolutely no way of fighting back whatsoever! Expelliarmus!

Severus: Oh you fucking son of a fuck.

Sirius: I'm not entirely sure my balls have dropped yet.

Remus: I think this is me over your shoulder. As I actually take part in these activities instead of trying to stay out of it. I AM SUCH AN APPEALING CHARACTER! Not that what I did in canon was in any way better, but you know.

Harry: …You have got to be fucking kidding me.

James: Nope! Check this shit out! Impedimenta!

Harry: …Could've sworn the spell you're looking for is levicorpus.

Severus: It is. Even when he's kicking my ass he fails at life.

James: Ah, but levicorpus is nonverbal. How do you know that I didn't just say impedimenta in order to throw you off while thinking levicorpus in my head?

Sirius: Alternatively, the filmmakers could just be dumbasses.

Remus: Seems that way.

Peter: …Are you chanting "Greasy Snivellus" with us, Moony?

Remus: Seems that way.

Peter: …The director's favorite character my ass.

Remus: Seems that way.

Lily: *randomly appears* Hey, guys, is it time for my scene yet?

Severus and the Marauders…interesting band…: Um…About that…

Lily: Oh no. No fucking way.

Severus and the Marauders…interesting band…: …Yeeeeaaaahhh…

Lily: I don't believe this, I don't fucking believe this. I'm never included in anything! I hardly ever get talked about apart from the eye comparison 'till Book Six! Before that, the penultimate book of the entire series, it was always "James this, your father that."

Sirius, Remus, and Severus: *gulp and back away slowly*

Lily: Never mind the fact that if it wasn't for my weird-ass love protection, Harry would've died, and we wouldn't have a bloody franchise in the first place! Oh yeah, ignore Lily, she didn't do anything important! The mothers in these sorts of stories never matter anyway, forget they even had to go through hours of labor to give birth to the heroes, none of that matters anyway, it's always the one with the scrotum that's given any type of attention! Even in Book Six Dumbledore insinuates that Harry only wants to avenge his father and my only use was the blood protection, I especially love how Harry never corrected him on that!

James: Wow, iheart, using this chapter to rant, much?

iheartmwpp: Yeah that, although I'd actually kind of like it if people stopped constantly comparing Harry to you and Lily and just let him be his own person.

Sirius, Remus, and Severus: *die of laughter* Good one!

Lily: Oh, all of you can just go straight to hell!

Sirius: Right, see you there, then!

Remus: *grins cheekily*

Severus: Seriously, though, why was Lily cut from this bit?

Remus: Something about confusing the audience. Besides, I agree with them that her role in this flashback was completely pointless.

Lily and Severus: …Wut.

Remus: Well, think about it. It's not as though this scene will have any impact whatsoever on the plots of Books Six and Seven, nor is it part of the underlying plot that drives this entire septology.

Lily and Severus: Ah, touché.

Peter: Hey, while we're on the subject of flashbacks and memories and stuff and junk and shit…why aren't there more of these? I mean, you guys are like some of the most beloved characters in the entire series for some reason even though we all suck! There's always great fanfiction with either Remus or Sirius showing Harry random memories of their days at Hogwarts! Why doesn't that exist in canon, that'd be a great way for them to prove to Harry that James wasn't a complete asshole if nothing else! Or were we just supposed to accept their rather feeble argument that James got better and have done with it?

James: Evidently. Now then, who wants to watch me strip a fellow student when he's basically helpless to fight back?

Remus: …I don't think anyone wants to see that.

Sirius: Something you're not telling us, mate?

Peter: Because we'd totally understand if you were gay despite this being the seventies. Just like every fanfic ever written ever.

Sirius: Wouldn't be too surprised, actually, if this is what you normally do in your spare time.

James: What? No, I'm not gay, I just want to humiliate him in front of dozens of people!

Remus: …By looking at his naughty bits.

James: Exactly!

Sirius: …You got problems, man.

James: I know. *smiles brightly*

Sirius, Remus and Peter: … *inch away slowly*

Severus: Well this has been an enjoyable romp, hasn't it lads. *flails limbs*

Present Snape: Yeah no. Get the fuck outta my head.

Harry: *collapses into the chair* …What is this, the thirty-ninth time I found out my entire life was a lie?

Snape: Hey guess what, you get absolutely no time whatsoever to even begin to come to terms with what you've just learned. *walks over and grabs Harry's shirt*

Harry: …I'm legitimately afraid for my life.

Snape: Even though there is no way you can possibly understand how much that particular day affected me considering I've somehow blocked the part where your mother showed up, I refuse to teach you any longer for fear that you might actually come across a memory with her in it.

Harry: I just wet myself all over your office floor, I'm sorry.

Snape: Oh ew, get out and clean yourself up, that's just nasty.

Harry: Ta. *leaves in a rather great hurry*

Snape: And now for me to just stand here and be angsty as the fangirls swoon.

Book readers: …That was IT? COME THE FUCK ON!

Movie watchers: What? What'd we miss this time?

Book readers: Sooooo much! So, so much…And this was ten days before we understood truly how much we ourselves missed…

~Well that lasted all of twenty-one seconds.~

Harry: *runs out to the courtyard* I don't believe this, I can't believe this…My father is exactly like my cousin—no, he's exactly like Dolores Jane Fucking Umbridge. Always picking on the weak and helpless when they can do absolutely nothing to stop her. *skin turns slightly green* Merlin's Sudoku puzzles, I just compared the one character that everyone hates above all else to my own father who, up until ten seconds ago, I had idolized above almost everyone else. *shudders* Maybe I could find a way to contact Sirius…Not sure I want to look up to him anymore either, come to think of it. Or Remus. Still…It'd be good to get a second opinion, get their side of the story…I have no idea how either of them could possibly justify any of this, but I've got to at least talk to them, there is absolutely no way I could keep this to myself for long—OH LOOK THE WEASLEY TWINS ARE TALKING TO A SMALL CHILD I WILL NEVER WORRY ABOUT ANY OF THIS EVER AGAIN.

Book readers: …Well so much for character development.

Small child person: I'm a significantly younger child actor, and yet my crying is far more convincing than the infamous "HE WAS THEIR FRIEND!" scene.

Fred: Hey, remember how we're usually pretty much as bad as our idols in terms of bullying, especially when it comes to the brothers closest to us in age?

George: Well screw that, we're actually really comforting and stuff when it counts! YAAAAY!

Fred: Though considering that right bitchface gave a little firstie a torturous detention like this…Siriusly, why is no one alerting their parents to this blatant child abuse? I know we're harping on this a lot, but it really is dumb of us to not try something when it comes to the smaller of us!

George: Right? I mean, if it was just Harry and Lee, as it was implied to have been in canon, then whatever, Lee's a seventh year and therefore of age and responsible for his own decisions and crap, and Harry's, well, Harry.

Fred: But the rest of us? We have no excuses. Well, maybe we do, us and Ronniekins and Gin-Gin, but not the rest of the DA or whoever this kid's parents or guardians are.

Harry: Hey, lads! Having fun?

Fred and George: You bet your balding ass!

Harry: You okay, kid?

Small child person: I want to kill myself.

Harry: Cute. What'd you get the detention for, anyway?

Small child person: Sneezed during class.

Harry: *flinches* Harsh, bro.

Umbridge: Hem, hem.

cutietrp: Put her on a ridiculously slow conveyer belt with a buzz saw at the end.

Umbridge: I'm sorry. Did I make you cry, you chubby little fuck?

Small child person: *sniff* Think you used that one already.

Umbridge: Probably. But that's all right. Human tears are very natural. In fact, when I was a young human, tears would flow from my eyeballs all the time. Until, one day, when my Mama Umbridge said to me… "Dolores. Girl, you put down that cheesecake. You throw out that fondue, and you get up off of that couch, girl! GET ON UP!"

Small child person: *stands up*

Umbridge: SIDDOWN!

Small child person: … *sits back down*

Umbridge: And from that moment forward, I picked up anything that I could find, and I hoisted it OVER MY HEAD! And I ate nothing but protein shakes, falcon eggs, and ROCKS. I am a woman! HEAR ME SMASH! *stomps on the floor; the entire castle shakes*

Harry: Do you have a point?

Umbridge: Naughty children deserve to be punished.

Harry: …He sneezed!

Umbridge: Also he's a filthy Mudblood.

Small child person: No I'm not! My paternal grandfather was Muggle-born, yes, but otherwise my family's made up of half-bloods and purebloods!

Umbridge: …Oh. Oops.

Dracarot: Just skin her alive and set her on fire.

George: Need a job?

Fred: ANYWAY, I'm gonna start talking about getting back at Umbridge while she's still in earshot.

Umbridge: You really are quite dumb, aren't you? *walks away*

Rifftrax: Also I have never been touched. Not even once.

iheartmwpp: That would explain far too much…

Fred: So yeah, wanna ditch this place?

George: Sure, presumably Harry gave us his Triwizard winnings offscreen, there was barely any point in us coming here this year anyway.

Fred: True 'nuff.

Harry: TAKE ME WITH YOU.

George: No.

Harry: WHY NOT.

Fred: You're like a head shorter than us.

George: Plus you're bald.

Harry: I hate everything.

Twins: That's the spirit.

~Aaaaand the kid was promptly forgotten about. Did he even have a purpose of any kind, was he the son of one of the filmmakers, did he win a contest, WHAT THE FUCK WAS THE POINT.~

Review or James will hang you upside down and strip you in front of half your school. What an asshole. He's so charming.


	17. Teh OH NOES, SIRI'S DYING! WE HAVE TIME TO CHANGE CLOTHES, RIGHT?

Disclaimer: I do not own anything from the film/book Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, any other movie, book, or game in the series, A Very Potter Sequel, Katy Perry, Pokémon 'Bridged, The Hobbit, Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring, Naruto: The Abridged Comedy Fandub Spoof Series Show, South Park, Pinky and the Brain, Draginball Z Abridged, Yu-Gi-Oh! The Abridged Series, The Professional, Berserk Abridged, Monty Pythin's Flying Circus, Code MENT, or Rifftrax.

~Hey look, they have a special type of ink for standardized tests as well. I LOVE BEING REMINDED OF HIGH SCHOOL please kill me.~

Audience: …Did the Giant Clock Tower of When The Fuck Did They Get A Giant Clock Tower mate with the great hall or something?

Kids still trapped in the educational system: Oh come the fuck on, we read these books to escape our everyday lives filled with homework and tests! WHERE'S THE PART WHERE WIZARDS ARE KILLING EACH OTHER. WE DEMAND BLOOD.

Hermione: I know all the answers!

Ron: I don't. *is playing with his quill and staring blankly at the paper…damn it, stop being me!*

Harry: *isn't even doing the tests, choosing instead to just glare at the front of the room*

Padma: Being a Ravenclaw, I should be able to ace these easily.

Parvati: I don't get it, weren't we basically supposed to be sitting in alphabetical order? I distinctly remember Harry sitting behind me in the books.

Umbridge: I seem to have replaced the entire testing committee thingus.

Harry: Siriusly, how the fuck did that pendulum thing get in here.

Umbridge: Shut up and do your Charms test.

Harry: I have no idea what I'm doing, that class got replaced with Chorus three years ago!

Explosion: *explodes*

Umbridge: …Da fuck…?

Harry: That was weird.

Padma: I are also confuzzled.

Umbridge: What the spell is going on here?

Harry: You already used that one.

Umbridge: Shut up.

Everyone taking life-ending examinations the world over: Please let Voldemort invade and slaughter us all, please let Voldemort invade and slaughter us all, please let Voldemort invade and slaughter us all…

Umbridge: Continue with your work while I go check it out.

Students: No.

Harry: I glare at you!

Umbridge: I know, I know, getting annoying…

Hermione: Merlin's ink-stained smoking jacket, even I've stopped working!

Planet: *implodes*

iheartmwpp: There are like four or five cuts of her walking down the great hall. I can't really tell, but she seems to be in different places each time; once she was nearly halfway down, and the next cut seemed to show her practically at the far end again. 'Twas confusing.

Overworked Trio of Damn It, Forgot To Cram Last Night: Fuck the OWLs, this seems infinitely more amusing. *yeah, even Hermione. What the hell*

Door: I AM OPENING!

Umbridge: That's nice for you.

Baby you're a fiiiiirewoooork: 'Ello, 'ello! Beautiful weather we're having, ain't it, just wonderful! *spits at Umbridge's nose for a bit before spinning behind her, going off into the great hall, and exploding over the students' heads.

Ron: …Why am I the only one who looks semi-impressed and hardly anyone else even looks like anything's happening at all?

Umbridge: …What the hell was that. *walks forward slightly, puzzled, and looks toward the stairs, head tilted like a dog*

Fred and George: WHERE THE FUCK DID WE JUST COME FROM and holy crap, did we still have our brooms since Quidditch was evidently cancelled this year, AWESOME!

Harry: Does that mean I still have my Firebolt, or did I leave it at Grimmauld Place?

Fred and George: *knock Umbridge over as she passes* HAVE SOME EXPLOSIONS THAT'LL MAKE YOUR PAPERS FLY IN THE AIR AND MAKE IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR YOU TO FINISH REALLY IMPORTANT EXAMS THAT'LL DECIDE YOUR FUTURE CAREER PATHS!

Fifth years: THIS DOESN'T DISTURB US OR HURT OUR CHANCES OF GETTING JOBS IN THE SLIGHTEST! HOORAY!

Fireworks: *explode overhead, where we are reminded that the ceiling is charmed to look like the sky for what is possibly the first time this movie, I haven't really been paying attention*

Audience: Yay fireworks—Oh come on, don't show freaking Umbridge, we're trying to watch the pretty explosions of light and color!

Fireworks: *can almost barely be seen through the thick cloud of smoke that's spreading through the great hall*

Slightly More Impressed Trio Who Are Still Only Smiling Blankly Instead Of Cheering With Nearly Everyone Else: *choking on smoke* I CAN'T BREATHE!

Fred and George: High five! *high five*

Rifftrax: Oh yeah, real cool, guys, I…skipped my grandma's funeral so I could be here for this test.

Umbridge: That one nearly hit me in the face!

Goyle: This one's burning my nose off. How pleasant. *slaps it away*

Crabbe: Don't hit it towards me—OW MY ASS.

Malfoy: *backed up against a wall* NOT MY BEAUTIFUL FACE! *dives to the side*

Firework: *takes the shape of Malfoy's BEAUTIFUL FACE because it's just that talented*

Filch: Meow meow meow meow meow meow.

Umbridge: Yes, thank you, Filch, a mop will most certainly solve all our problems.

Harry: * bit of a sing-song voice* Ha ha, you have to deal with this!

Umbridge: Fuck my life.

Fred and George: YOU'RE GOING DOWN, PROFESSOR EVIL-BAD-PAIN-GIVER! *bugger if I can tell them apart at this point; one of them chucks up Gandalf's Smaug firework from Bilbo's party*

Umbridge: Stop it! Stop it! Why you guys being so mean to me?

Smaug: *divebombs her*

Umbridge: RUN AWAAAY! *runs away*

Harry: This amuses me greatly.

Ron: I'm actually rather impressed by my brothers' handiwork.

Smaug: OM NOM NOM. *noms Umbridge at the doorway and the ensuing explosion causes all of the Educational Decrees to blow up and shatter to the ground. IT SUCKS POETIC JUSTICE!*

Umbridge: …I think I might cry—OH GOD WITH THE WIND AND THE FLAILING.

Fred and George: WHEEEEEEE!

Students: WE MUST FOLLOW OUR LORDS AND SAVIORS! WHAT IS THY BIDDING, OH GREAT MASTERS?

Umbridge: *is trampled*

Fred and George: One last firework!

THE ENTIRE SCHOOL: We heard the great hall blow up, what's going—OH YAY FIREWORKS! *applaud*

Flitwick: How did I get out here?

Ron: Out the way, Harry, I must cheer on my brothers and admit I'm related to them! WOOOOOO!

ENTIRE SCHOOL: …A giant exploding W? That's all we get? What a fucking rip-off! Screw you guys, I'm going home!

Umbridge: My hair's on fire.

Filch: Meow meow meow! *blows on it, which just makes it worse*

Umbridge: And now I'm on fire. Thanks ever so much.

Filch: Prrrrr.

Luna: That was cool.

Ron: IKR.

Flitwick: BOO-YAH!

Nigel: THIS IS AWESOME!

Harry: …I am suddenly unsmiling. Well that killed the mood. Wonder if my scar's hurting, I don't seem to be clutching it in agony as is customary—Oh God I'm falling over. This is weird.

Hermione: LOOK AT HOW I AM THE ONLY ONE TO NOTICE MY FRIEND'S DISTRESS. I AM SO FUCKING IMPORTANT. NO ONE GIVES A SHIT ABOUT RON, I'M THE ONLY ONE WHO MATTERS, MEEEEEEEEE!

Harry: I fell on my ass. Now let's see that again, in slow motion. It is that vital for the audience to know that I fell, specifically, on my ass.

Hermione: OH NO I'M THE ONLY ONE WHO CARES THAT HARRY HAS FALLEN DOWN okay Siriusly, how am I the only one who notices that Harry fell down, Padma was like right the fuck next to him.

Harry: …What the fuck am I sitting on, what is this shit all over the ground—Oh hai Sirius.

Sirius: Hey.

Harry: What're you doing in the Department of Mysteries?

Sirius: …I don't really know.

Harry: Huh. Weird.

Sirius: I know, weird!

Voldemort: Hiiiii! I'm here too!

Sirius: Oh bugger.

Harry: …What the fuck is going on. Did Voldemort kidnap you or something?

Sirius: Seems that way.

Voldemort: I can haz prophecy?

Sirius: Oh get it yourself, you're one of the only two who can, why am I even here?

Prophecy orb thing: Haaaaaaai.

Sirius: And even if I could, I wouldn't. You kind of killed my best mate, I'm not about to do you any favors any time soon.

Harry: …Pretty sure my godfather isn't the type to wear fancy waistcoats with pocket watches and crap.

Voldemort: What he said, what is with your character design, man, isn't your hair supposed to be way longer than it is because you're so depressed about essentially bein imprisoned again?

Sirius: YOU KNOW NOTHING!

Voldemort: Are you gonna get me that prophecy or not?

Sirius: Not. So nyah.

Voldemort: Crucio!

Sirius: I have an owie!

Harry: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Voldemort: Yes.

Harry: You suck.

Voldemort: I know. Crucio!

Sirius: I HEARD YOU THE FIRST TIME ow.

Sun: Why the fuck do I keep popping up in relation to the orb thing, honestly.

Row 97: I AM IN NO WAY IMPORTANT.

Prophecy: I are shiny.

Sirius: Not really, you're just sort of cloudy—OW that doesn't go there.

Lucius: Are you pondering what I'm pondering?

Fudge: I think so, Brain, but this time you wear the tutu. Burlap chafes me so. And I can't memorize a whole opera in Yiddish! Besides, what if the chicken won't wear the nylons? CAN THE GUMMI BEARS REALLY LIVE IN PEACE WITH THE MARSHMALLOW CHICKS?

Lucius: *starts having blood gush out of his nose and ears*

Fudge: You okay, Lucius?

Lucius: Yes, just…just an aneurism out of sheer stupidity.

Fudge: Wow. Didn't think you were that stupid, Lucius.

Lucius: AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!

Harry: …Oh now I get it! I could never see the door before, the glory of Lucius's pimp cane always blinded me to the fact that the entrance to the Department of Mysteries was in fact behind them the whole time. Oh, right, my godfather's about to be tortured and killed in the middle of the Ministry. Shit fuckers.

Hermione: OBEY ME, MY MIND SLAVES. I mean are you all right, Harry?

Harry: WE HAVE TO SAVE SIRIUS BLACK.

Hermione: Not so loud!

Harry: Oh please, they're still cheering over shit blowing up, we're fine. Hey, where's Ron, anyway?

Hermione: HE IS NOT IMPORTANT. ONLY I AM IMPORTANT.

Harry: Oh dear.

~I guess Ron eventually caught up to them or something, I dunno.~

Hermione: Harry, are you sure?

Harry: WOULD I BE THIS FREAKED OUT IF I WASN'T SURE.

Hermione: …Yes. Yes you would. Anyway, I still don't see how Voldemort could've just dragged Sirius into the Ministry and no one noticed.

Harry: Magic, all right? And my vision now was just like the one I had when Mr. Weasley was attacked.

Ron: I instantly believe everything you say.

Harry: Also I'd been dreaming about that door for months and I'm such a dumbass that only now do I realize where I'd seen it before. I could be excused from not recognizing it at the actual Ministry when I was physically there because I was panicking about being expelled, but at least in the book I remembered about halfway through or so. Sirius told us that Voldemort was after something, and Voldemort must've figured that only Sirius could actually access it or something! That's probably why he took him to the Department of Mysteries!

Rifftrax: There's a Department of Mystery? Why don't we go there first every time?

Harry: We've got to go now. I don't know what I would do if I wouldn't be able to hug or kiss Sirius Black, my best adult friend, ever again. I have to try.

Hermione: Harry, please, just stop and think for a second! What if Sirius isn't really there? What if Voldemort wants to lure you into the Department of Mysteries?

Harry: And what if he really does have Sirius?

Hermione's eyebrows: Okay, fine, say that he does. What if he's only hurting Sirius because he's trying to get to you?

Harry: Say that he is. If you were in my position and it was your parents that Voldemort was torturing, you'd just leave them to suffer horribly and die by his hand, would you?

Hermione: Wha—NO! No, of course not!

Harry: Then go fuck yourself, because I haven't got time for this Mickey Mouse bullshit.

Ron: So let's go already.

Hermione: But—

Ron: Either fuck off or help us.

Hermione: …Fine, but if someone gets killed, I reserve the right to say I told you so.

~Hey, an outward shot of the castle serving as a transition! I haven't seen that in…an entire movie!~

Harry: We'll have to use the Floo Network.

Audience: So it DOES still exist.

Hermione: But Umbridge has all the fireplaces under surveillance, which would've been really useful to know so we'd have some excuse for Sirius not talking to us anymore, and also creates somewhat of a plothole within the movie itself when you consider that he did have a chat with us through the Floo at one point.

Harry: There is one fireplace that isn't monitored. Don't ask me how I know, I'm apparently just fucking psychic like that.

Fudge: I am disapprove.

Harry: Alohamora.

Hermione: This room is disgusting.

Ron: Um, Harry, are you sure that He-Who-Is-Currently-Torturing-Your-Godfather-With-The-Most-Painful-Curse-Known-To-Wizardkind didn't just straight up murder Sirius while we went up to the seventh floor to get changed? Or worse, what if Sirius is now in the same condition as Neville's parents? Surely we needn't have gone out of our way to change when we probably could've just left our outer robes behind if we thought they'd impede our movement.

Harry: I KNOW WHAT I'M DOING. And don't call me Shirley.

Ron: Oy vey. *closes door behind them*

Evil white kitty of evil: I am running away. EVILLY!

Harry: *presumably just threw some Floo Powder into the fireplace, as there are now green flames in it* Mind staying behind to somehow contact the Order?

Ron: Hey, look, all of Fred and George's shit that was confiscated throughout the year! Maybe we can take some with us, if they'd come up with Decoy Detonators or Peruvian Instant Darkness Powder yet then they'd be dead useful in a fight—

Hermione: Don't be so stupid, Ronald.

Ron: Why do we have kids together, honestly. Also, there's no fucking way we're gonna just send you off to your death without backup.

Harry: It's too dangerous!

Hermione: So were the trials to get to the Stone.

Ron: And the Chamber.

Hermione: And going back in time to save a guy we'd just met two hours previously.

Ron: And…Well, okay, you did the Tournament on your own, obviously, but we still created the DA together!

Hermione's eyebrows: I'm going to use small words that you'll be sure to understand, you warthog-faced buffoon. We. Are. In. This. To-ge-ther. O. Kay?

Umbridge: I FUCKING CAUGHT YOU RED-HANDED, HARRY POTTER.

Harry: Oh for the love of—Ron, you were supposed to shut the door behind you!

Ron: I did!

~Aaaand suddenly Ginny and Luna are somehow involved and there, and Neville was helping Ginny do…something, Iunno.~

Malfoy: Now say you're my bitch, or I'll dislocate your shoulder.

Neville: Screw you.

Umbridge: *leans down within punching distance* You were going to Dumbledore, weren't you.

Harry: *is bound to a chair* No, I was trying not to imagine the fanfiction that'll soon be written about this scene.

Umbridge: *slaps him*

Harry: …OW?

Umbridge: I knew you were guilty the moment I laid my eyes on you three little turds. And now you, and your loser friends, are gonna come with me, TO AZKABAN!

Snape: *comes in offscreen* You wanted to see me?

Umbridge: Oh hey Snape.

Snape: *stares at something on her wall* …Where did the poster of Headmaster Zefron go?

Umbridge: I don't care for Zac Efron. Taylor Lautner's my man.

Snape: *staring at her in abject horror* What do you want, you horrid bitch.

Umbridge: To force Potter to reveal the truth behind all of the horrible lies he's been spouting all year. Gimme some Veritaserum.

Snape: No.

Umbridge: …Please?

Snape: Can't, sorry.

Umbridge: Why not?

Snape: 'Cause you used up all my stash already. Apparently Miss Chang was a victim.

Harry: …Well crap. Why didn't she say anything, I would've taken her back immediately probably!

Hermione: Merlin's overgrown bonsai trees, not that crap again.

Ron: …Why did the camera just focus on us?

Snape: Unless you wish to poison him, in which case I would personally preset an Order of Merlin, First Class, though I would not envy the paperwork involved in murdering one of your students, I'm gonna piss off. *starts to piss off*

Harry: That guy you hate that's still decent that did not in fact try to eat you is at that thing with the round thing of thingness.

Snape: No kidding.

Umbridge: …The fuck did he just say?

Snape: Don't know, don't care.

Rifftrax: That's right, I'm Snape. Who do I work for? Nobody knows. Now, I will dance.

Harry: DAMN IT! That was my last hope…

Snape: The camera never focuses on me leaving. For all the audience knows, I could still be there, not bothering to stop a reviled colleague from torturing the students that I actually do go out of my way to protect if it's something life threatening. Eh, whatever, it's not like those children are all that important anyway.

Umbridge: Well so much for that. Now then, using unforgiveable torture curses on underage children. Look at how I'm trying to convince myself that what I'm doing is the right thing to do. I'M FUCKING BRILLIANT!

Hermione's eyebrows: The Cruciatus Curse is illegal!

Umbridge: I'm so high up that it doesn't matter. Still, just in case there are cameras in this picture frame… *turns down picture of Fudge*

Ron: *is actually struggling to break free so he can help Harry*

Hermione: *looks like she's about to sneeze*

Harry: This day's just going splendidly.

Umbridge: Draco! Fetch…the comfy chair.

Malfoy: Gasp! The comfy chair? *eyes roll into the back of his head*

Ginny: Oh no. The love of my life is about to be tortured horribly. What should we do. Please, someone, help. This is so traumatizing.

Luna: At least we're not being invaded by heliopaths.

Neville: This is true.

Hermione: Tell her, Harry!

Umbridge: Whatchu talkin' 'bout, Mudblood?

Harry: …I have no idea.

Hermione's eyebrows: Fine, I'll tell her. Bloody boys, just because I have fallopian tubes I have to think of everything—

Umbridge: GET ON WITH IT!

Hermione: Dumbledore's secret weapon!

Ron: Oddly, it looks like I'm rolling with it.

Harry: Indeed, this expression could definitely be trying to get across fear that Hermione's revealed everything or utter confusion at what the fuck she's talking about this time. I need to widen my range.

Umbridge: I can actually act, and therefore my Triumphant Face leaves nothing to be guessed at. Mwahaha, I'm so much better than you.

~Oh look, another abrupt cut with no transition. I miss Mike Newell.~

Umbridge: Are we there yet?

Hermione: No.

Umbridge: Are we there yet?

Hermione: No.

Umbridge: Are we there yet?

Hermione: No.

Umbridge: Are we there yet?

Hermione: No.

Umbridge: Are we there yet?

Hermione: No.

Umbridge: Are we there yet?

Hermione: No.

Umbridge: Are we there yet?

Hermione: No.

Umbridge: Are we there yet?

Hermione: No.

Umbridge: Are we there yet?

Hermione: No.

Umbridge: Are we there yet?

Hermione: Yes.

Umbridge: Really?

Hermione: NO!

Umbridge: You suck.

Hermione: Hey, blame Dumbledore, he had to put it where students wouldn't go, never mind that we're evidently allowed to come and go as we please with no consequences whatsoever.

Umbirdge: Ew, bugs.

Harry: What the hell is your plan.

Hermione: I don't have one, I'm just winging it.

Harry: It is nice that we can have proof that you're a Gryffindor now and again.

Umbridge: I can hear you, you know.

Hermione: …Eh heh…

Grawp: I seem to have broken free of my tether.

Hermione: …I've got a bad feeling about this.

Harry: My reaction to Grawp getting free clearly isn't important enough, so I'll just stay in the background, entirely out of focus.

Hermione: I have trained you well.

Umbridge: Well? Where is this weapon?

Hermione: …You're really that dumb, aren't you? You honestly thought that we would take you, you of all people, to see some kind of secret weapon we'd created? Of course we wouldn't let you within five miles of the damn thing unless we were gonna use it on you! If it actually existed! And quite honestly, normal existing methods of torture would work just fine anyway.

Umbridge: …So there isn't one?

Hermione: …Yah.

Umbridge: You were trying to trick me?

Hermione: Very good. Have a cookie.

Umbridge: *shoulders slump* You know, I really hate the filmmakers. This deleted scene right here, it shows exactly how much I really hate children, mostly because children, practically by definition, are rather disorderly and have to be taught proper conduct in order to function in polite society. This scene shows how I actually thought what I was doing was right and that my methods would only ensure the success of my goals. It showed that I was actually trying to help you, by instilling harsh discipline so you would actually show the proper respect, as I feel that you should automatically respect your betters. I've tried my very best to give off one of the greatest performances in this film and maybe make my character just a tad sympathetic.

Hermione: I look semi freaked out and determined at the same time. In other words, it's my usual not smiling or crying face.

Harry: Really? 'Cause I just look bored.

Umbridge: And they cut it. They cut this scene. It's the second shortest film of the franchise, would it really have killed them to add this extra minute or so? I mean, look at this scene! Look at how I finally break down from everything that's happened to me this year!

Harry: Oh please, so your clothes are a little messed up, you don't hear me breaking down over you forcing me to carve words into the back of my hand or any of the other shit that's gone down this year.

Umbridge: I really don't care about the bloody outfit, you can't deny that I'm acting bloody wonderfully in this scene! Especially as I have to slowly convince myself that what I'm doing, in my point of view, is the right way to go about doing things. It's like I'm stealing myself to properly cast the Cruciatus Curse on you this time. You must understand that I do feel most reluctant about this, truly, but this is the only way I can think of to maintain my current way of life, the life that I believe is proper and just. It's for the greater good.

Dumbledore: Oh great. Now I seem like the second most evil character in this series. Thanks for that, Bitchface.

Umbridge: And for the greater good—

Dumbledore: WOULD YOU STOP THAT.

Umbridge: —I will do what must be done!

Hermione: I seem to have hidden behind Harry at this point. What a brilliant Gryffindor I am.

Centaurs: LOUD NOISES!

Harry: Oh cool, I wonder if Firenze's turned up to save me again…Why is he not here?

Magorian: Wow. A subplot got cut. Color me surprised.

Harry: I would if I knew what color surprised was.

Umbridge: *immediately cowers behind small children* GTFO, centaur, this is a human thing, you are far too insignificant.

Bane: Does Bane have to shoot an arrow at a bitch? *draws bow, notches arrow*

Umbridge: Lower your weapons.

Centaurs: …Naaaaah.

Umbridge: Do it anyway. Under the law, as creatures of near-human intelligence—

Bane: That is entirely subjective, do you have any idea how dumb the vast majority of your population is? Just go to any YouTube video and scan through the comments, it's horrifying. *shoots an arrow*

Harry and Hermione: OI! THAT NEARLY HIT US, WE DIDN'T DO ANYTHING!

Bane: Thank you for having so little faith in my aim.

Umbridge: *does a nonverbal Shield Charm—wait, what?* How DAAAAAAAAAAARE YOOOUUU! *opens mouth and inhales most of the Dark/Forbidden/Whatever The Fuck Forest*

Bane: Do none of us speak English anymore, why do none of us have any lines apart from grunting?

Umbridge: Incarcerous! *rope wraps around Bane's neck and starts strangling him*

Bane: Oh, thanks for helping, assholes.

Magorian: Hey, we're just trying to figure out why we all look the same. Could've sworn we were all different colors in the books.

Roran: Hey yeah, wasn't Firenze supposed to be a palomino? He certainly didn't look it in the first movie.

Harry: This is very true.

Hermione: Once again, I am the only one in the entire series that is allowed to show any type of concern whatsoever.

Umbridge: You do that, I'll just point and laugh.

Hermione: May you please let him go?

Umbridge: Nope!

Hermione: Aww, why not?

Umbridge: Because! I will! Have! Order!

Roran: Okay, I'll have ham and cheese on rye. Hold the mayo.

Harry: I wonder if I see something behind you.

Hermione: I doubt it—HOLY FUCKBALLS WHERE THE SHIT DID YOU COME FROM.

Grawp: I seem to have spontaneously sprung into existence out of nowhere. If only there was some sort of build-up in order to announce my presence. I certainly have not become adept at sneaking around quietly, for I am quite a hefty fellow and cannot help but shake the Earth whenever I go out for a stroll. *picks up Umbridge* This female is even smaller than the previous one. I do not understand how your kind can manage to reproduce with such tiny creatures.

Centaurs: YAAAAY LET'S IGNORE OUR DYING COMRADE AND CHOOSE NOW TO ATTACK THE BITCH WHEEEEE! Also we're not too keen on the giant.

Bane: Thanks, guys, I feel the love. *rips free of the ropes on his own* For the record, I could've done that at any time.

Roran: Keep telling yourself that, sport.

Bane: STOP BRINGING ME DOWN!

Camera: Here, have a random, split second shot of centaur backs for no reason.

Harry: …I'm confused.

Umbridge: FILTHY ANIMAL! DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?

Grawp: I fear not, miss, for you see, I am unfamiliar with most humans aside from my elder brother, Hagger, and a friend of his by the name of Hermy.

Centaurs: YAAAAAY A PIÑATA yay.

Hermione: Leave Grawp alone! It's not his fault!

Harry: Hey look, we're running through the Forest and holding hands. I'm sure that won't cause anyone to have violent flashbacks to the duller parts of the third movie.

Hermione: He doesn't understand, he doesn't know any better!

Centaurs: You got the wrong idea, puny human, we're trying to get the candy. *shoot arrows at Umbridge; one misses and hits Grawp in the bicep*

Grawp: This must be the emotion you humans know as blood. *drops Umbridge*

Umbridge: Potter, do something! Tell them I don't want to subdue their entire race and basically commit genocide!

Harry: I'm sorry, Professor, but I must not tell lies.

Umbridge: No! You can't do this to me! NOOOOOOOOOO! *gets dragged off*

Hermione: You know, mythological representations of centaurs indicate that they are a sort of illustration of the lower, more "savage" instincts of humans. That's why so many are depicted as rapists.

Harry: …So—

Hermione: Yeah let's not go there.

Harry: Yeah…

Grawp: I seen to have what I believe to be known as an owie.

Hermione: Thanks for distracting them and stuff.

Grawp: Oh it was my pleasure, I assure you.

Harry: Um, Hermione? Dying godfather? Can we go and stuff?

Hermione: Oh, yeah, of course.

Harry: HOORAY FOR US RUNNING THROUGH THE WOODS TOGETHER. Just like old times, perhaps a call back to how we once ran through the woods to save Sirius in what feels like a previous lifetime, or perhaps a shittier movie.

Hermione: Yeah, but at least that one knew what it was doing with its transitions so nothing seemed particularly jarring—HOW THE FUCK DID WE GET TO THE BRIDGE SO FAST.

Ron, Ginny, Neville and Luna: Oh hai Harry and Hermione.

Hermione: How'd you get away?

Ginny: I HAVE A LINE! And it is Puking Pastils. Our brothers are awesome.

Ron: Told 'em I was hungry and wanted some sweets. *hands back Harry and Hermione's wands* I was just lucky enough that they were that stupid and apparently didn't try to eat the purple ends.

Hermione: *staring at him in shock and amazement* That…That was actually intelligent, Ron!

Ron: Always the tone of surprise.

Neville: Indeed, he was quite awesome. Not as much as me, of course, but few can be.

Ron: Naturally, naturally.

Neville: So, how're we getting to London?

Harry: …Ron, why didn't you attempt to talk them out of this?

Ron: Iunno.

Neville: Dumbledore's Army was supposed to be about fighting back against the forces of darkness, destruction, and chaos. Or were you just pulling shit out of your ass?

Ron: Maybe you don't have to do this on your own, mate, considering you usually have someone backing you up at least initially in any case.

Hermione: Huh. That sounds like something I'd usually say.

Ron: I know, right? ALL HAIL THE NEW SCREENWRITER.

Hermione: Thankfully, Steve Kloves will be back soon enough.

Ron: Bugger.

Harry: …So how are we going to get to London, besides running back up to Umbridge's office and Flooing there instantly, hexing everyone who gets in our way now that we've got our wands back?

Luna: That's just silly. We should fly there instead.

Harry: PERFECT!

~How are they not all dead at the end of the series.~

Review or the next time your life is hanging in the balance your friends will take their sweet-ass time changing their clothes and fixing their hair before doing a damn thing to save you.


	18. Teh TOM IS SUCH A FUCKING DUMBASS

Disclaimer: I do not own anything from the film/book Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, any other movie, book, or game in the series, A Very Potter Musical or Sequel, The Beatles-ish, Dragonball Z Abridged, Linkara, Code MENT, Doctor Who, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, The Muppets, Shortpacked!, Labyrinth, Gurren Lagann, None Piece, Dragonball Z Abridged, or Rifftrax.

~Hey, look! Trees and stuff!~

Harry: Running all the way back to the forest instead of back to Umbridge's office where the Floo Powder is, wasting an unknown of minutes trying to get Ron, Hermione, and Ginny to actually get onto these fuckers was TOTALLY WORTH IT! I hate flying anything that's not a broom…

iheartmwpp: …Am I the only one who thinks the soundtrack is a little subdued at this point? I don't know, I was expecting something as epic as Flight of the Order of the Phoenix or something, or at least something that conveyed the urgency of their current situation, not something that sounds like "Yeah, they're flying, whatever."

Harry: Imma focus on Luna now.

iheartmwpp: *is distracted from complaining about the sucky soundtrack in favor of gathering more evidence for a Harry/Luna fic to hopefully be released looooong after the parodies are done*

Rifftrax: *bursts into song* Luna in the sky-yy on tha-aat thing…

~HOLY CRAP THE SCREEN ACTUALLY FADED INSTEAD OF DOING A JUMP CUT OR WHATEVER IT'S CALLED WHAT IS THIS MAGIC.~

Harry: Are we there yet?

Tenebrus: We are not stating that shit again.

Harry: Poopie.

Pretty view of London at night: *is pretty*

~SUDDEN JUMP CUT OF THEM RUNNING DOWN THE DESERTED MINISTRY THAT ISN'T JARRING IN THE SLIGHTEST, HONESTLY.~

Hermione: *running* Um…Why is no one else here?

Ron: *also running* I dunno, lots of people work here really late at night, and it's not even that late yet, this makes no sense.

Ginny: *also also running* Okay…If Tom wanted to get the prophecy and he's already seemingly made it so that the Ministry is entirely deserted and he can sneak in a shitload of his Death Eaters with ease, then why can't he just drag his own noseless ass down here and grab it himself? Why bother even going to the trouble of creating a fake vision and planting it into Harry's head, what if Harry couldn't find any way to get out of the castle? There are so many things that could go wrong with this situation, what happened to the age-old saying "If you want something done right, do it yourself"?

Luna: *also also also running* It sounds as if He-Who-Is-Kind-Of-A-Dumbass-Like-That has a really bad infestation of wrackspurts.

Neville: *also also also also running* Makes as much sense as any other cheap cover-up for a plot hole.

~I wanna know what kind of music would be playing in the Ministry's elevators. Because that's what those things are. They're normal Muggle elevators.~

Hallway: *is a hallway. Hence it being a hallway*

Harry: Whoa. A hallway.

Hermione: *rolling her eyebrows* Harry? Tortured dying godfather?

Harry: I AM COMPLETELY FOCUSED!

Hermione: Uh-huh, sure.

iheartmwpp: The music is sufficiently creepy enough to set up the atmosphere…if they weren't under severe pressure to find someone who was being tortured horribly with a rising sense of urgency. If they were just checking out some creepy looking place for the hell of it, then the music would be fine, but…Iunno, I just have a real problem with the soundtrack around this time in the movie.

DOOR!: *is a fucking door*

Book readers: All right, now the awesomeness of the Department of Mysteries really begins! I can't wait to see the Time Room, the one with the brains, maybe we'll even see the Universe Room or whatever that one's called, that one sounded soooo fucking amazing…Why are we in the Hall of Prophecy already.

Harry: We don't have any time for that crap!

Book readers: It's the shortest film so far, you totally could've made time!

Harry: LET ME GET TO MY FUCKING GODFATHER ALREADY.

Book readers: Oh yeah, sure, go ahead, I'm sure everything'll work out perfectly. *eyeroll*

Ginny: Why does the Glowing Trio of We're The Only Ones Who Know How To Cast Lumos Apparently have their wands lit and we don't?

Rifftrax: That sound you don't hear? It's the tension not building.

Harry: I am staring into the depths of the darkness. How lovely.

Luna: Did I just hear something?

Neville: Oh look, the door isn't attached to a wall. This should be surprising to no one since we live in a world of fucking magic.

Ron: Cool. Hey, Hermione, let's turn and stare at Harry while he's standing around like a dumbass.

Hermione: Works for me!

Harry: *desperate to prove he's not a dumbass after yet another random cut* Now. He should be right here. Riiight here. Where the hell is he. He couldn't have gone anywhere. All right. I'm going to close my eyes. When I open them up, he's going to be right here he's not here. Why isn't he here.

Hermione: *triumphantly* I told you so—

Harry: I don't want to hear it.

Neville: Ooooh, shiny, I wanna touch it—Oh, it's got Harry's name on it, it's probably his. Poopie.

Harry: Hang on, let me just evidently teleport to where you are or something, didn't know I could Apparate yet…

Ron: The rest of us will just stand here and watch. Siriusly, why did we tag along again?

Harry: Staaaaaaaare. Should I touch it?

Other helpless children: Whatever.

Harry: M'kay. *picks it up*

Trelawney: THE ONE WITH THE POWER TO VANQUISH THE DARK LORD APPROACHES…THE FACT THAT HE WAS BORN AT THE END OF JULY TO PARENTS WHO HAD DEFIED HIM THREE TIMES ALREADY IS IN NO WAY USEFUL TO IDENTIFYING WHO THIS GUY IS…NO ONE CARES, IT'S NOT IMPORTANT THAT THERE WAS ALMOST ANOTHER KID CHOSEN DUE TO VAGUENESS…ALTHOUGH THAT ONE WILL BE FAR MORE BADASS AND BELOVED THAN THE ACTUAL CHOSEN ONE EVER WILL BE…AND THE DARK LORD SHALL MARK HIM AS HIS EQUAL THOUGH WHAT KIND OF LAME POWER IS HEART ANYWAY, SIRIUSLY…

Other kids: …Are we just staring at him staring at that thing?

Trelawney: …FOR NEITHER CAN LIVE WHILE THE OTHER SURVIVES…GOOD LUCK WITH THAT!

Harry: …None of you heard that, right?

Hermione: Oh great, he's hearing voices again just as we're gonna be attacked by Death Eaters. Not to mention that we'll all probably fail our Charms theory OWL now…

Ron: Oh God shut up.

Harry: Hang on, let me get to the front of the group so I can look like the spineless pussy the fans will all be forced to root for.

COMPLETELY UNKNOWN DEATH EATER: Hey look, the design for my robes and mask have changed. What a fucking shock.

Harry: Where's my goddaddy?

Lucius: You know you really should learn the difference…between dreams… *really long-ass pause as he shows off by pulling his wand out of his pimp cane and erasing his mask* …and reality. iheart would've made an Inception joke if she'd seen it, but alas, she's not that caught up on modern movies and shit. Also earwax.

Harry: …Well shit muffins.

Lucius: You saw only what the Dark Lord wanted you to see. The event with Weasley was a bit of an oversight on his part, but he's improved greatly since then, I assure you. But never mind about that now. I can haz prophecy?

Harry: If you even try to do anything to us I'll break it.

Bellatrix: *doesn't look like the lips sync up properly when she first shows up in the shadows* Awwwww, dat's so cuuuute! Who's a cutie widdle baby-boo? Hah, you are, yes you are.

Harry: I'm not a baby! I'm twelve!

Hermione: *eyeroll* You're nearly sixteen, you moron.

Harry: I AM A MAYUN! *punches Neville in the face*

Neville: OW! Why me?

Harry: 'Cause you're a BAMF, so if I punch you out it only increases my manliness.

Neville: Ah. Oh, right, the person responsible for turning my parents into vegetables. Should react negatively to that. *glares*

Bellatrix: Oh hai Neville. Didja say hi to your mum and dad for me during the Closed Ward scene?

Neville: No, actually, it got cut for time. Now kindly die by my hand. *lunges forward*

Harry: Sorry, Mrs. Weasley already called this one.

Neville: What the fucking fuck.

Bellatrix: My wand be raised and shit.

Lucius: Okay, everyone calm the fuck down.

Bellatrix: I AM PERFECTLY CALM.

Lucius: I can see that. Now, once again, we can haz prophecy?

Harry: Relevant question: Why did Voldemort need me to come and get this?

Bellatrix: I WILL RIP YOUR TOES OFF AND STICK THEM IN YOUR EYE SOCKETS ONE BY ONE.

Ron: Whoa, Azkaban did not do her any favors.

Lucius: Nah, my sister-in-law's actually always been like that.

Ron: …Okay then.

Lucius: But yeah, you really want to know crap?

Neville: …Did I just hear something? Why am I looking away from my most reviled enemy?

Lucius: Prophecies can only be retrieved by those about whom they are made. I imagine that this makes it rather difficult for Unspeakables to actually do their work, but whatever.

Ginny: Again, why didn't Tom just come here himself?

Hermione: Worry about obvious gaping plot holes later, it looks like we suddenly have a ton of shit to deal with.

Death Eaters: Haaaaaaai.

Ginny: This is gonna be tough—Oi, Hermione, eat a fucking cheeseburger! Siriusly, you're really starting to worry me.

Lucius: Haven't you always wondered why the Dark Lord tried to break into someone's house only to butcher an infant but evidently leave the parents intact, including the Mudblood for some unidentifiable reason?

Harry: …Yes I have. And I actually think I've just found out—

Lucius: Why he was unable to kill you when you were just an infant?

Harry: Well the answer to that I've known for four years now—

Lucius: Don't you want to know the secret of your scar?

Harry: Dude, you can't pretend to know that, no one knows that except maybe Dumbledore, who's currently probably trying to pretend it's just a theory so he won't have to deal with the reality of the situation.

Lucius: All the answers are there, Potter, in your hand. All you have to do is give it to me, so I can tell you how to use it and stuff.

Harry: But I already got it working…You know what, never mind.

Ginny: Wasn't I already facing the other way, why am I turning around again.

iheartmwpp: The overhead shot makes it look like Lucius and Bellatrix are still walking toward Harry when in reality they've stayed still for several lines now.

Harry: Playing along, I've waited fourteen years…well, okay, maybe a little less than that, considering fourteen years ago I was probably largely incapable of human speech and wouldn't be able to understand half the words being spoken to me, much less comprehend the gravity of the situation, but you know what I mean.

Lucius: Indeed I do, and I'm only too happy to help you out.

Harry: Hmm, let me think about—no. NOW!

iheartmwpp: I have no idea who's who amongst the Death Eaters. Time to give them random names!

Hermione: Jelly legs jinx!

Goyle Sr.: Hey, no fair, my legs are jelly!

The rest: WHY IS THE STUNNING SPELL NO LONGER RED. *stun everyone, which blows everyone backwards instead of knocking them unconscious. I miss when they at least tried to make the magic canon. Oh, then they run and junk*

Lucius: And here we go, the start of using crappy smoke crap for Apparition. Presumably it makes us look cool or something, when it really just makes the book readers tilt their heads in confusion.

Hermione: Yeah this is not how Apparition works.

Lucius: Was this used in the trailer? I forget, but it's kind of awesome.

Cowardly Trio of Let's Run And Assume That Our Friends Are Following Us: Quick, let's go this way!

Ginny, Neville, and Luna: Let's just stand here and stare at Malfoy! I'm sure that'll have no negative consequences whatsoever.

Lucius: Hmm…I could attack Potter's friends right here and now in order to use as leverage to get him to give me the prophecy…OR I COULD USE MY SMOKY CRAP TO TRY TO CHASE HIM DOWN AGAIN WHEEEEEE!

Luna: Holy shit more smoke.

Rodolphus: I could use magic to take you out…or I could just kick you in the face, either way.

Luna: You Death Eaters are rather indecisive, aren't you.

Rodolphus: Little bit, yeah.

Luna: That's nice. Levicorpus.

Rodolphus: THAT SPELL DOESN'T ACTUALLY WORK LIKE THIIIiiiiiiss… *flies off into the distance* Twinkle.

Luna: That was nice as well. Huh. My mouth appears to be bleeding. That's not quiet as nice.

Harry: RANDOM SHOT OF ME RUNNING!

Ron: RANDOM SHOT OF ME RUNNING!

Neville: Petrificus totalus!

Rabastan: Oh my God! I FORGOT TO PUT AIR HOLES IN THIS MASK!

Neville: …You are not currently wearing a mask.

Rabastan: …Right, I knew that.

Neville: You are also petrified. You can't talk.

Rabastan: I knew that too.

Neville: Why am I even here.

Luna: I ask myself that question every day. *grabs his hand and they run and junk*

Hermione: We were running and stuff just now.

Ron: There's an awful lot of that going around.

Harry: Thankfully we won't have to do too much of it after this movie.

Smoke: I won't always signal that someone's Apparating, JSYK, it comes and it goes. And it's kind of really stupid when you think about it, if you want to sneak up on someone you're gonna have a hell of a time chasing them after they've clearly noticed that someone evil just showed up. Sure a loud crack could do the same thing, but it still gives less warning than a crapload of smoke.

Hermione: Gasp!

Rookwood: Get them!

Nott Sr.: What do you think I'm trying to do!

Harry: Stupefy!

Nott Sr.: Well this just nullifies the amazement that was Voldemort and Snape flying around on their own, looks like we can all do it.

Harry: Quick, let's run this way now!

Hermione: Stupefy!

Ron: Stupefy!

Rookwood: You fail, and you fail.

Dolohov: 'Ello, poppet.

Harry: That smoke trailing behind you looks a tad fake.

Rookwood: Still failing, I see.

Hermione: Yeah, well how about a shitload of glass falling on your head.

Rookwood: Eh, fair enough—ow.

Harry: Stupefy!

Dolohov: Hey, uncool, man. *flies off*

Ginny, Neville, and Luna: *run into the Fleeing Trio of Well That Was Convenient*

Smoke: I'm comin' to get you!

Ginny: It doesn't really look like I've contributed anything yet. Allow me to rectify that. Reducto!

Hall of Prophecy: *starts to explode*

Ron: …Holy shit. Well this won't contribute to my already extremely low self-esteem or anything.

Harry: You are the most beautiful creature I've ever seen in my life.

Ginny: That's nice, I'm too amazed at what I just did to register that comment at this moment, get back to me.

Neville: I say we all back away from the glass that's about to kill us.

Luna: Aww, but it all looks so pretty!

Neville: You can look at the pretty later, right now we need to live. *grabs her hand and all of them run and junk*

iheartmwpp: …And then they run. And glass balls fall around them. I have nothing to add.

Harry: Hopefully this is the door that was the way out—NO IT WASN'T HOLY FUUUUUUUUCK.

Hermione: HIGH-PITCHED SQUEEEEAAAAL!

Ron: EVEN HIGHER-PITCHED SQUEEEEAAAAL!

Neville: I NEVER SAW MICHIGAN!

Luna: GERONIMO!

Ginny: …It doesn't actually look like I made it out.

Door: It's cool, you totally did. *closes*

Harry: I wonder if the ground wants to be friends with me. Hello, ground! *splat*

~The end.~

iheartmwpp: *laughing* Okay, that's obviously not what happened, but it would've been funny.

Harry and Hermione: WE ARE THE ONLY ONES ALLOWED TO MAKE FREAKED OUT NOISES FOR WE ARE THE ONLY CHARACTERS WHO MATTER.

Ron: Okay, now you're just searching for shit to be annoyed about.

iheartmwpp: And this surprises you?

Harry: *falls on the ground* Ow.

Everyone else: Also ow.

Ron: Awwww, my arm's on Hermione's back, how cute, they actually tried a little.

Harry: …The fuck did this thing not break.

Ron: *getting up with everyone else* Department of Mysteries. Makes sense, considering I have no idea what the fuck just happened.

Book readers: Again, that was it? Where was the epic battle of epicness? The music definitely fit with the anticlimactic feel of this scene, that's for damn sure.

Harry: Da fuck is this thing?

Book readers: …No. Nope, nuh-uh. This cannot be the dreaded Archway of Death or whatever the fuck it's called. First off, it's way too fucking tall, I don't think any of us pictured it like that, ever. But that's not the real problem. Where's the veil? What the fuck's up with this mist shit? HOW CAN WE MAKE DEATH BY CURTAIN JOKES IF THERE'S NO CURTAIN?

Harry: *singing quietly* Those voices…singing out…La la la la la…

Hermione: Oh great, he's hearing things again.

Ron and Ginny: Not another bloody basilisk.

Neville: It could just be some random snake or something.

Ron and Ginny: True.

Hermione: I say we leave before we die either by veil temptation—

Book readers: IT'S NOT A FUCKING VEIL!

Hermione: —or Death Eaters or brains or something.

Luna: I hear them too. You're just as sane as I am.

Ron: Wha—Is she a Parselmouth too?

Ginny: Or, since this is the Death Room or whatever, it could just be a People Who've Seen Death thing.

Neville: Then why do I notice nothing?

Hermione's eyebrows: I refuse to believe that you two are telling the truth because I don't understand anything and I don't like that and I feel really uncomfortable and I want to leave. NOW.

Harry: I psychically know that it's too late and that the Death Eaters are coming in right now. So get behind me and stuff.

The rest: M'kay.

Smoke: Wheeeeee.

Harry: Everyone. I may have gotten us surrounded by the enemy.

Ginny, Neville, and Luna: Why did we even bother coming.

Ron and Hermione: Now you know how we feel.

Smoke: *swirls over them as everyone but Harry gets forcibly restrained and their wands are taken away. So…why couldn't they have just grabbed the prophecy right out of Harry's hand when they did that? It looked easy enough to do, I do not comprehend*

Harry: Did I fall asleep or something? *gets up* Shit, where are all my friendly-friends?

All his friendly-friends: We're over here. Wetting ourselves.

iheartmwpp: Again, I have no idea who's who amongst the Death Eaters, and yes I checked the credits this time. Aside from Bellatrix and Lucius of course, one's got fantastic breasts and crazy hair, and the other one's played by Helena Bonham Carter.

Harry: …Well this sucks.

Ron: You're telling me.

Hermione: I seem to be the most terrified person in the room.

Lucius: Maniacal laugh, maniacal laugh, maniacal laugh.

Harry: Oh, I thought I smelled body glitter.

Lucius: Did you actually believe that tiny little children such as yourselves could take on a force like us?

Harry: Worked the last four years, so pretty much yeah.

Bellatrix: WHY WON'T MY HIPS UNSWAY.

Lucius: *holds out his hand* I'll make this simple.

Harry: You'll tell me what the archway behind you does so I can push you through it and end this bullshit?

Lucius: Not quite. Give me the prophecy now, or watch your friends die slowly and painfully.

Harry: …Shit. *notice how he looks over at Ron, this movie's actually really good at some points*

Hermione: I feel sad and alone and stuff.

Neville: Look how badass I've spontaneously become! This year was a good year. Anyway, DON'T GIVE IT TO THEM, HARRY, WE'RE PRESUMABLY NOT WORTH IT!

Helena Bonham Carter: I did something quite terrible. By mistake, I poked him in his ear. I thought I could brandish the wand like a sort of Q-tip, and clean out his ear. Sort of torture it. But unfortunately he moved toward the wand as I was prodding it. And it actually perforated his eardrum. Isn't that horrific? I damaged him! He's such a nice young man, he didn't admit to me that he actually had some internal bleeding about three days later. And it wasn't permanent. But there was pain, and blood. Well, torture happens. Sorry! Oops! I think I took my sadism a bit too literally. I did feel awful when they told me. [I did apologize,] but he was deaf, so he couldn't hear me. *laughs wildly* And then ever after I was always shouting, ''ARE YOU ALL RIGHT, LUV?''

Matthew Lewis: *and now we get the same thing from his POV. Deal, bitches* There was a scene when Helena is holding me hostage and she thought it would be good to sort of move the wand around in my ear and really tease Neville. It did look really cool. It looked sadistic and menacing, just like Bellatrix is supposed to be, but there were explosions going off and stunts and when this one explosion happened, I went one way and Helena went another and the wand just went straight into my ear. It went in just over an inch and I couldn't hear anything out of my right ear. We finished the scene and then I went to one of the stuntmen and told him what happened and we got a doctor and he said it was going to be okay, but that it was going to hurt for a few days. He gave me some painkillers and I just went home. I can hear absolutely fine now, and Helena was very, very apologetic. She introduced me to her husband Tim [Burton] at the premiere, so I let her off!

Lucius: For the final time, I. Can. Haz. Prophecy.

Harry: Sigh, fine. *hands it to him*

Prophecy: Huh. My swirly mist crap went dark. Guess only Harry and Voldemort can hear it, too.

Malfoy: *gigglesnort* I've always wanted to do this. *holds up ball* You remind me of the babe.

White light: *appears* What babe?

Harry: GAH I'M BLIND.

Neville: HOLY SHIT SIRIUS BLACK.

Luna: Yaaaaay Stubby Boardman!

Lucius: Da fuck? *turns around*

Sirius: Get away from my godson. *punches Lucius in the face in a Crowning Moment of Awesome*

Death Eaters: Now if we had any brains at all, we'd just murder these small children right now, or perhaps torture them to make the Order stop and think for a second. Hell, we probably should've done that as soon as Black came in. Whoopsidoodle.

Lucius: I'm up to my tits in morons. Also MY FACE! MY BEAUTIFUL, BEAUTIFUL FACE!

Hermione: That was badass and lame at the same time. How is that possible.

White smoke that CLEARLY ANNOUNCES THE ORDER'S PRESENCE: *appears, instead of them just Apparating quietly with a small pop like some of them can do into the corners of the room and either sneaking up on the Death Eaters or just Stunning them one by one from the shadows. These guys really need to play some Assassin's Creed and learn a thing or two about tactics*

One of the guys covered in white smoke: *knocks out a Death Eater in the back instead of focusing on the ones with hostages who might snap at any moment*

Lucius: *drops prophecy* …Well I'm fucked. Shit, I hope Draco doesn't have to make up for this on my behalf…

Another guy covered in white smoke: Now we can start saving children. LUNA FIRST, SHE HAS NUMBER ONE PRIORITY.

Another guy covered in white smoke: DIE, BELLATRIX!

Bellatrix: *turns into black smoke and flies away* Missed me, missed me, now you gotta kiss me!

Another guy covered in white smoke: …Ew.

Tonks: *trips over her own white smoke* To the guys who attempted to murder small children and destroyed half the Department of Mysteries in order to accomplish the murders of said small children, you are under arrest. We are ninety-three percent sure that that is illegal.

Mad-Eye, Kingsley, and Remus: *stick their landings*

Tonks: …You know what, fuck all of you.

Sirius: Why do I seem surprised to see them all here even though I presumably came in with them? SHIT! *throws the same colored spells we've been seeing all movie. What happened to the different colors from canon, those created some cool images in mah head, this is just…boring*

Death Eater: I throw spells at you as I turn into black smoke, sir!

Sirius: Well I deflect them back at you as I drag my godson away from the rubble, sir!

Mad-Eye: Tonks! You're a girl, take the girls out of here!

Tonks: I'll get you for this later, asshole! *drags Ginny and Luna to safety. And by safety I mean behind a rock*

Sirius: Harry, take the others and go, let the adults actually do the fighting for once in your life.

Harry: Nope, too used to fighting on my own. I'm pretty good, too, I can help you.

Sirius: Listen, Harry. Never forget. Just believe in yourself. Not in the Harry that I believe in. Not in the Sirius that you believe in. Have faith in the Harry that believes in you.

Harry: So I can fight, then?

Sirius: No.

Harry: …Then what was the point of that speech?

Sirius: iheart wanted to shove in one more poorly placed Gurren Lagann reference before I died.

Harry: Ah. Charming.

Explosion: *explodes*

McGonagall: BOOM.

Lucius: I only now just got up and took my wand out of my pimp cane. Yeah, that makes sense.

Death Eater I'm gonna call Dolohov for no reason: Haaaaaai.

Harry: Let us fight them and stuff!

Lucius: Zap.

Sirius: *blocks it* I told you to get away from him!

Lucius: Ah, but I am away from him!

Sirius: …You win this round.

Dolohov: Come on, let's throw the same jets of white light we always throw at each other!

Lucius, Sirius, and Harry: Okay! WHEEEEE!

Other kids: …So much for us proving that we're ready for this fight and being members of Dumbledore's Army by joining in the fight. LET'S JUST COWER BEHIND THIS ROCK AND WATCH EVERYONE ELSE!

Bellatrix: I seem to have picked up my brother-in-law's maniacal laugh.

Order member covered in white smoke: Quick role call, as I have no idea which one of us seems to be flying around Bellatrix right now. Jesus, why didn't we just travel around like this in the beginning of the movie.

Remus: Well let's see, I just knocked a Death Eater away from my former students—

Said former students: HI PROFESSOR LUPIN!

Remus: Awww, I miss being called that.

Sirius: I'm up here fighting alongside Harry, obviously.

Mad-Eye: And I seem to be fighting off two at once in a relatively clear area with my wand, before the camera jump-cuts to a Death Eater coming at me from behind some rubble and I take him out with my walking stick thing. So it looks like you're either Tonks or Kingsley.

Tonks or Kingsely: Cool.

Sirius: We brawlers are sustained by willpower! Even when mocked as reckless and crazy!

Harry: If there's a wall in our way, then we smash it down! If there isn't a path, then we carve one ourselves!

Sirius and Harry: The magma of our souls burns with a mighty flame!

Sirius: JUST WHO—

Harry: —IN THE HELL—

Sirius and Harry: —DO YOU THINK WE ARE?

Sirius: Zap.

Dolohov: OW MY WEAKNESS! MY BALLS! HOW DID YOU KNOW?

Sirius: LOL.

Harry: Despite all of us, including me, using nonverbal magic up to this point, I feel the need to shout my signature spell, as it is indeed my signature spell.

Remus: Oh come on, we talked about this!

Harry: Not yet we haven't! Expelliarmus!

Lucius: NOT MY PIMP CANE! NOOOOOOOOO!

Sirius: Nice one, James!

iheartmwpp: …Fuck everything.

Harry: …Merlin's sparkplugs, I can't believe he just called me that! He really has been confusing me with my father this whole time! Either that or the filmmakers took that one interpretation that not everyone agrees with and ran with it, they could've at least confirmed it with JKR or something. And, you know, have video evidence of it or something so the fans'd actually be satisfied at the same time as being disappointed.

Sirius: Can't hear you, too busy trying to disarm Lucius of his actual wand, something you failed at entirely.

Harry: The thing is, though, I don't really want to be compared with my father anymore, considering I am now convinced that he was nothing but an arrogant bullying toerag and I never got to talk with you or Remus so you could barely comfort me by vaguely stating that he got better.

Sirius: Hang on, let me just take this guy out really quick. *takes that guy out really quick*

Lucius: Aaaaand my life is ruined. Brilliant.

Sirius: *turns to Harry* Now, what were you saying?

Harry: *shrugs unconcernedly* Eh, I'm sure that you and I will be able to meet up this summer so we can have a nice long chat where you'll tell me the full story and I can finally confront you on whether or not you actually sees me as just Harry, we have all the time in the world after all—

Bellatrix: Avada Kedavra!

Harry: …Or I could just kill myself. Either way works.

Casual book readers: Wait, I thought she just Stunned him and he fell backwards!

Obsessive book readers: Not exactly, it just said there was another jet of light, it never specified if it was another jet of red light or not. Though if it was green, Harry would probably be less optimistic of Sirius's chances and wouldn't have fought so hard against Remus.

Sirius: Ow-face.

Harry: Oh shit.

Book readers: What's with him not dying immediately, though, that's not how the spell works!

Filmmakers: Shut up, it's dramatic!

Book readers: Oy vey.

Sirius: I NEVER SAW VENICE! *disappears into the mist instead of behind a curtain like he's supposed to*

Ron: That's unfortunate.

David Thewlis: He [Gary] actually came around the next morning, because we lived near each other at the time, and he said, "Have you seen the new book? We've got a lot of work to do, mate." He was quite happy, and I didn't know how to break it to him. So I said, "Have you actually read it yet, Gaz?" "No, just clicked through it." A few days later I'm in makeup and he comes in, and sits down, and goes "Have you heard the news?" "What's that, Gaz?" "It's terrible fucking news." "What is it?" "You know how everyone is talking about who dies in book five? It's fucking me! This woman puts the poor bastard in prison for 12 years, brings him back for a few scenes, and then she kills him!"

Audience: I KNOW! WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK!

Gary Oldman: I wore a black armband for a week.

Harry: Noes, I'm coming, hang on—OH GOD BAD TOUCH!

Remus: Dude, how is this Bad Touch, I'm saving your life!

iheartmwpp: That's really not what it looks like, matey-poo.

Harry: I NEED AN ADULT!

Remus: I AM AN ADULT!

Bellatrix: Huh, I like how there's virtually no sound except for Harry sobbing occasionally, not to mention how they actually included the filthy half-breed holding him back even if it does look more than a bit off, that was nice.

Harry: I'M GONNA FUCKING RIP YOUR PANCREAS OUT OF YOUR TEAR DUCT!

Bellatrix: Silly, silly half-blood, proper wizards don't have tear ducts. *flees*

Remus: Harry—NO!

Rifftrax: Wait. Stop, don't.

Harry: *breaks free and runs after her*

Rifftrax: Well I tried.

Remus: Hey, my last best friend just got ripped away from me again, leave me alone.

iheartmwpp: You could still go after Harry, make sure you don't lose him too—

Remus: In the book, Dumbledore probably wanted me to help get the kids back to school and Tonks to St. Mungo's, since he was there in that version. Is my feeble excuse.

iheartmwpp: That's nice for the book, I'm talking about right now.

Remus: …I got nothing, blame the filmmakers.

iheartmwpp: I intend to.

~ And everyone suddenly notices that Prongs and Padfoot have died, in that order, so they all figure out that it'll be Wormtail next, followed by Moony. Yay. Whoop-de-fucking-doo.~

Review or you'll be hit with the Killing Curse, noncanonically live for a few more seconds, and fall backwards into some crappy mist effects, the last words you'll have ever said being a horrible misunderstanding.


	19. Teh STOP WITH THE FUCKING FLASHBACKS ALREADY

Disclaimer: I do not own anything from the film/book Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, any other movie, book, or game in the series, A Very Potter Musical or Sequel, Sweeney Todd, Lord of the Rings, Code MENT, Star Wars, Holy Musical B(at sign) Man, Me and My Dick, The Room, or Rifftrax.

~So! That happened!~

Bellatrix: *bursts into song* Nothing's gonna harm you/Not while I'm around/I KILLED SIRIUS BLACK!/Nothing's gonna harm you, darling/Not while I'm around/I KILLED SIRIUS BLACK!

Harry: *running after her* Crucio!

Bellatrix: Owie. Well at least "because she killed the closest thing I had to a parental figure yet" is infinitely more appropriate a reason for an Unforgiveable than "because he spat at a professor I like vaguely."

Harry: Quiet, you.

Bellatrix: You think you got it bad? They were gonna actually be canonical and have me duel with Sirry-kins and stuff, I spent weeks learning how to use a wand, and I stuck my tongue out at the end, it was going to be brilliant! But nooooo, they had to go and piss off the fanbase even more. Charming of them, really.

Harry: Don't care, just want to make you suffer as much as I currently am and then kill you.

Voldemort: Well can you get a move on, then? Just remember, you've got to mean it.

Harry: *cracks neck*

iheartmwpp: Siriusly, this thing is starting to make very unpleasant noises, maybe I should get a neck brace or something… *massages neck*

Voldemort: She killed him. She tortured your friend's parents into insanity. She deserves it.

Harry: I'm assuming she can't hear you right now, considering she's right here, and she's like your right-hand person or something, what gives, man?

Bellatrix: Starting to get a little bored here.

Voldemort: You know the spell, Harry. Just three little syllables. Come on, you can do it. *appears behind Harry through a cloud of black smoke, the expression on his face clearly indicating that he's either gonna pull a Greyback and attempt to eat Harry's face off or something, or else bite him seductively on the ear. What the fuck*

Bellatrix: You've come for me, my darling! My one, my own, my precious!

Voldemort: And now my expression is entirely deadpan. Moo ha ha. Also I'm apparently speaking telepathically with you or something, since when I tell you to do it my lips aren't moving.

Harry: I just noticed you're here. I raise my wand at you!

Voldemort: I disarm you wandlessly so we won't have to go through the shit from the previous movie. Nyeh.

Harry: Bugger-face. Wait, how did you get in here?

Voldemort: Iunno.

Ginny: AGAIN, if you were all set to just make the Ministry deserted and were just gonna come here anyway, WHY DID YOU BRING HARRY HERE.

Voldemort: Fuck you, that's why! Gah, why do you always do this?

Ginny: *speaking slowly, as if to a small child* Because you're a fucking dumbass.

Voldemort: Shut up and let me taunt your love interest, you're not even here.

Ginny: *rolls eyes* Fine, whatever.

Voldemort: Thank you. Now where was I…Ah, right. You are a failing failure made of fail who fails. A lot.

Harry: That sounds vaguely familiar…

Dumbledore: The Floo system is still operational, JSYK.

Rifftrax: Insta-geezer!

Voldemort: Oh come on, I am so sick of this happening, I nearly had him this time!

Dumbledore: Yeah, whatever, I need to ask you a huge favor.

Voldemort: Nope!

Dumbledore: *pointed look*

Voldemort: Fine.

Dumbledore: It's not a big favor, really, I was just wondering if you could stop killing people.

Voldemort: So…

Dumbledore: Yeees…

Voldemort: …what you're saying is…

Dumbledore: Yeees…

Voldemort: …that I…

Dumbledore: Yeees…

Voldemort: SHOULD BLOW SHIT UP!

Dumbledore: Yes—Wait no.

Harry: NO!

Bellatrix: Do it.

Voldemort: Doin' it!

Dumbledore: Listen, Tommy-boy, the Aurors will be here any second now. Not entirely sure why they're not here now, since this is a government area thingy that I'm sure loads of people would still be at working overtime. There aren't even any janitors here tonight, and that's just weird.

Voldemort: Who cares, I'm totally killing you tonight anyway.

Dumbledore: Fuck you.

Voldemort: Fuck fuck you! *raises his wand*

Dumbledore: *whips his wand around, Banishing Harry into a wall and smashing his shoulder while he conjures some flame-red jet of light to send at Voldemort*

Voldemort and Dumbledore: *burst into song* Fuck you!

Voldemort: I'm gonna kick your ass!

Voldemort and Dumbledore: Fuck you!

Dumbledore: I'm taking you in!

Voldemort and Dumbledore: Fuck you!

Dumbledore: You wanna be the man? You got to beat the man. I'm gonna show you what it means to be a man, man!

Bellatrix: Thanks for telling me that the Floo still worked!

Dumbledore: Oh son of a fucking fuck.

Book readers: …What's with priori incantatem, that shouldn't work for them like that!

Harry: I'd care if I wasn't completely torn up inside.

Dumbledore: Ah, now I get it, those spells aside from the Killing Curse used last chapter had to be colorless and boring so it would make our spells even more awesome by comparison. Still could've gone with some purple jets designed to maim horribly, but whatever.

Harry: Enough with your obsession with purple, Dolohov could've killed Hermione with that in the book! Hell, he probably did kill the Prewetts with it—oh my God Remus fuck my life.

Dumbledore: That's nice, now would you mind shutting up, trying to get him with mah red lightning crap.

Voldemort: What is this, Star Wars? Fuck that noise, I throw this bluish lightning at your precious favorite.

Harry: Please don't—ow, broken brick tile things, owww.

Dumbledore: I'm with him, you mind stopping?

Voldemort: Only if I can change the lightning crap into a giant fireball that I will then blow at your face.

Dumbledore: How did that not burn your face off!

Voldemort: Think it might've singed my nose—OH THAT'S RIGHT I DON'T HAVE ONE I win.

FIYAH!: *turns into the shape of a giant basilisk*

Voldemort: AH HA HA HA HA HA HA!

Sheldon: I HAVE RETURNED!

Harry: Oh hey man, how you been?

Sheldon: Eh, you know, can't complain. *lunges for him*

Harry: Dude! What the hell!

Dumbledore: I make it aspload. *makes it aspload. In Voldemort's general direction*

Voldemort: Big deal, I conjured it, I can vanish it.

Dumbledore: Indeed, now observe as I control the water and stuff. *makes the water from the fountain engulf Voldemort in one massive ball*

Harry: Oooooh, this might finish him off! I wanna see!

Voldemort: This is severely unpleasant.

Dumbledore: Would you just stay the fuck back, you dildo shithead? *Banishes Harry again*

Harry: It's cool, I didn't need that spine.

Voldemort: *somehow breaks free*

Dumbledore: *still has his wand raised like a dumbass*

Voldemort: NYAAAAAH! *chucks some nonspecific black stuff at Dumbledore*

Dumbledore: *throws it back at him*

Voldemort: We really are in Star Wars, aren't we. *makes the nonspecific black stuff into a giant ball of wind and sends it outward* NYAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Glass: *cries out in terror and was suddenly silenced*

Harry and Dumbledore: This does not bode well.

Fudge poster thing: NOT THE FACE ow my face.

Voldemort: I'm not even Shielding myself and this stuff is falling all around me, how am I not sliced up to death. Hey cool, I could totally kill both of you horribly and painfully like this! Sweet. *starts to send all the glass at them*

Dumbledore: Luckily I can use a shield and just turn it into sand. Because Shield Charms can deflect minor curses easily, but solid matter has no chance of just bouncing off of it at all.

Harry: I think they just wanted the sand to do cool stuff while Voldemort's possessing me in like thirty seconds. It's a good thing that even the sudden blast of miniscule shards of glass striking us at this velocity wouldn't fuck us up in any way.

Dumbledore: Indeed.

Voldemort: Bollocks, thought I had them that time.

Dumbledore: HA HA.

Voldemort: Screw you guys, I'm goin' home. *vanishes in a cloud of sand*

Dumbledore: Huh, no black smoke? That's weird…Oh shit, hope he's not gonna…

Harry: Just standing around, looking kind of pathetic. Though my godfather did just die, I guess it could be excused.

Sand: I AM MENACING. FEAR ME.

Harry: I fucking hate today. *is possessed, collapses and commences writhing*

Dumbledore: Fuck, knew it.

Harry: Merlin's tapioca pudding, you have no idea how much this hurts!

Dumbledore: *ACTUALLY GETS ON HIS HANDS AND KNEES OUT OF CONCERN FOR ONE OF HIS STUDENTS WHAT IS THIS WHERE AM I WHY ISN'T THE SEMESTER OVER YET I JUST WANNA GRADUATE AND BE FUCKING DONE ALREADY*

VoldeHarry: Ha ha, I win. Oh hey, look, my eyes are…a brighter blue than they normally are, never mind, thought they were green for a second. NOPE!

Dumbledore: Eh, looks like kind of a light teal or something, that's partially greenish.

Harry: Not gonna be enough for the fans—OUCH!

Lily: I haz a baybay! And Imma gonna die.

Sirius: I NEVER SAW VENICE!

EYEBALL!: …Hi. I'm an eyeball.

Cedric: I NEVER SAW FORKS!

iheartmwpp: *shudders* That was harder to write than the April Fools chapter…

Harry: Oooooooowwwwwwwwww…

Dementor: HEY we look more like skeletons than ever. How lovely and noncanon.

EYEBALL!: …Still an eyeball, don't really know what you want me to say.

Cedric: I still never saw Forks.

EYEBALL!: YES! WE GET IT! I'M A FUCKING EYEBALL!

Sirius: Ow-face.

Harry: Oh shit.

VoldeHarry: I appear to be suffering horribly. Oh look, my eyes are teal again.

Dumbledore: Harry, come on! You've got to fight this!

Harry: I…I can't…

Dumbledore: You can't? You can't? "Can't" is a word for a man who's been beaten and broken! And that is not the man I see lying in a heap before me!

Harry: AAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!

Dumbledore: Come on, walk it off!

EYEBALL!: I'm not getting paid enough for this shit.

Arthur: YOU'RE TEARING ME APART, NAGINI!

Voldemort: *appears behind Harry through a cloud of black smoke, the expression on his face clearly indicating that he's either gonna pull a Greyback and attempt to eat Harry's face of or something, or else bite him seductively on the ear. What the fuck*

VoldeVoiceOver: So weak.

Harry: …The shit?

EYEBALL!: Okay, I'm just getting bored now.

Voldemort: …Why am I in front of a cloudy greenscreen effect or whatever? Oh, and you're alone and vulnerable and stuff. See, see how you were sitting by yourself in that one scene, never minding the fact that your two bestest friendly-friends came and sat next two you not thirty seconds later? Oh, and look, here's you sitting alone on your bed and stuff, isn't that sad.

Harry: FUCK THE DAMN NECK THING.

iheartmwpp: What he said.

Harry: …Why am I in front of a mirror? Is this the inside of my brain or something? Because it kind of looks really dumb—OW MY NECK.

iheartmwpp: STOP IT.

Voldenort: I don't look nearly as menacing in this outfit.

EYEBALL!: *falls asleep*

Harry: OH GOD I'M BALD AND I HAVE NO NOSE MY LIFE IS OVER.

Dumbledore: Shut up, it's not how you're alike, it's how you're not! I mean, Hitler loved dogs, enjoyed painting, and breathed oxygen, does that mean iheart's a Nazi? I…certainly hope not…

iheartmwpp: Pretty confident that I'm not, kthx.

Dumbledore: There you go.

VoldeHarry: Grar. *pushes himself almost entirely off the floor*

Jump cut: *happens*

VoldeHarry: *is now on the floor again. Okay, who the fuck edited this piece of shit*

Voldemort: I'm sticking my tongue out at you!

Harry: Dear God, you're annoying.

Dumbledore: I'll just sit here and watch! Granted there's nothing I can really do…Wow, I'm mustering up an emotion other than anger. This…This hurts a bit.

Harry: *is laying on the floor, twitching feebily*

Rifftrax: …Professor Dumbledore…You're sitting on my foot.

Ron, Hermione, Ginny, Neville, and Luna: Hey, we just got here, what's going on—OH SHIT HARRY'S LYING ON THE GROUND IN WHAT LOOKS LIKE TERRIBLE AGONY.

Camera: Yes, this is really what Hermione's hair looks like from the back.

Harry: OH THANK MERLIN YOU GUYS ARE HERE.

Ron, Hermione, Ginny, Neville, and Luna: Indeed. Now let's stay back here, not comfort you at all, and have nothing greater than a look of mild concern on any of our faces.

Harry: …Why am I friends with any of you again?

Filmmakers: Here, maybe another mini clip show might refresh your memory.

Harry: WHY DO I ASK THESE QUESTIONS WHEN ALL I RECEIVE IS PAIN.

Flashback Hermione: MUST HUG BEST FRIEND! Which Emma was quite hesitant to do originally since it was still at the age where cooties were a big deal. Apparently they had to freeze the bit where we hug for an extra second.

Flashback Harry: Your dad's completely whipped, isn't he?

Flashback Ron: You have no idea. And I'd complain about the double standard where it's okay for husbands to be totally subservient to their wives but not vice versa, if not for the fact that he is, in fact, married to Molly Freaking Weasley.

Lily: Hi, I used to exist. 'Sup.

James: As did I. And stuff.

Sirius: When all this is over, we'll be a proper family. You'll see. *huggles Harry again*

Harry: Fuck, I can't use that one, he's dead now!

Flashback Ron: I wet myself just now, I hope you're pleased with yourself.

Flashback Harry: Oh come on, you know you enjoyed watching that.

Flashback Ron: …Yes. Yes I did.

Flashback Harry: Holy crap, I'm alive.

Flashback Ron and Flashback Hermione: Huzzah!

Flashback Hermione: Hang on, I have to awkwardly laugh at how funny my own line was. *bursts into uncontrollable laughter*

Flashback Ron: …It was a nice homage to the book, and yes, it was one of your funnier and more sarcastic lines that is always remembered with great fondness, but it wasn't that hysterical.

Harry: …I just figured it out. You're the weak one.

Voldemort: Guh?

Harry: And you'll never know love…or friendship…

Dumbledore: …The fuck you talking about?

Harry: And I feel sorry for you.

Sirius: …I think that was even cheesier than when I was fruitlessly trying to calm Moony down when he was transforming two years ago.

Harry: I learned from the best.

Remus: I think you mean worst.

Sirius: Fine, let's see you do better!

Harry: Just go back to being dead, aside from the millions of Marauder fans no one wants you here anyway.

Sirius: *sniffs* Fine. I'll just go have fun with Prongs then, I DON'T NEED ANY OF YOU! *runs off crying*

Remus: …These parodies are weird.

Harry: Yep, now excuse me while I go punch a mirror in my brain.

Remus: …I'm not even gonna ask.

Harry: That's probably for the best.

Voldemort: I'm in ur brain, wearing ur clothes for no discernible reason.

Dementor: Wait, why am I flying backwards?

Cedric: YES! WE GET IT! I'M DEAD! MOVE THE FUCK ON!

Sheldon: I'M ON FIYAH!

Harry: Kindly GTFO.

Maze: Hi, me again.

Fawkes: I shall now burn Dumbledore alive, because I'm sick of the same dialogue playing over and over.

Flashback Dumbledore: Sweet.

EYEBALL!: Damn it, thought I was done.

Harry: Ow my hand, that's gonna leave a mark.

Voldemort: I ain't outta your brain yet, bitch!

Harry: Hope this doesn't actually damage my actual brain by me actually doing this. Actually.

Voldemort: Ow, that one actually kind of hurt a little.

Harry: Oh look, another flashback of you trying to eat my face off. And now I'm punching the mirror again…am I punching the Horcrux, I wonder?

Flashback Harry: I can haz love and affection?

Flashback ALIVE!Sirius: Of course you can! HUGGLES! *huggles Harry*

Flashback Remus: Sure, don't give me a hug. Fine. Whatever. *sniffs* Not like I wanted one anyway!

Voldemort: *roars in pain*

Harry: *lies flat on his back as a blur vaguely similar to the dementors sucking people's faces off springs out of his chest*

Camera: This is still what Hermione's hair looks like from the back. Oh, transparent sand column, right.

Dumbledore: I'm still just sitting here. And now I'm looking up for some reason.

Voldemort: I appear to have just been standing here.

Harry: Um…Professor? I'm kind of out of it at the moment, and unless the sand column represents some kind of shield or something, do you think you could, Iunno, attack him from behind so he gets the fuck away from me?

Dumbledore: Nah, think I'll just sit here.

Harry: …Fuck you. Fuck you so much.

Voldemort: You're such a stupid idiot.

Harry: And you know of any smart ones?

Voldemort: The thing is, I'm going to take away absolutely everything you've ever loved.

Harry: Shit, please don't turn around and see that the vast majority of the people that I care about most are standing right over there.

Ron, Hermione, Ginny, Neville, and Luna: Hey, look, the back of He-Who-We-Should-All-Be-Currently-Freaking-Out-Over's head. That's cool. Let's continue to stand here and not react at all.

Voldemort: Snarl.

Noise of what can presumably be Apparition or something: *is heard*

Voldemort: …Fuck.

Fireplaces: *oh wait, it's the Floo Network, never mind*

Voldemort: Oh hai Minister.

Fudge: …I just produced something else for the Magical Maintenance people to clean up.

Percy: I'm still in the movie. Oh hey Ron, Ginny! Look, we've met He-Who-Evidently-Was-Back-The-Entire-Time in the flesh! Isn't that exciting?

Ron: Indeed. You gonna come back and apologize to Mum and Dad now?

Percy: Hmm, let me think about—no.

Ginny: And you wonder why the fandom hates you.

Voldemort: This is all very touching, pardon me while I use the glass to vanish—I-I mean Apparate away on my own with no assistance whatsoever, yes, that's totally what I was going for. Waka waka! *Disapparates*

Dumbledore: Well that was productive.

Fudge: …Lord Thingy's back.

Fountain of Magical Brethren: Very good. Have a cookie.

Ron, Hermione, Ginny, Neville, and Luna: That was fun. Let us slowly approach our unconscious, clearly traumatized friend, there's no rush.

Dumbledore: *is suddenly cradling Harry's body while staring with what looks to be either an incredulous or mildly curious expression in Fudge's general direction* Am I the only one who vaguely gives a shit about the same kid I threw into a trophy case last film? Because that's a tad fucked up for this version.

~LAST NEWSPAPER MONTAGE OF THE MOVIE! COMING TO A WEBSITE NEAR YOU NEEEEEEEXT WEEK!~

Review or Voldemort will threaten to seductively bite your ear.


	20. Teh MANIACAL LAUGH! MANIACAL LAUGH!

Disclaimer: I do not own anything from the film/book Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, any other movie, book, or game in the series, A Very Potter Sequel, Holy Musical B(AT SIGN)man, Monty Python, Monsters, Inc., The Muppets, Me and My Dick, Code MENT, or Rifftrax. Which I used a lot this chapter because they are hilarious.  
~The Prophet really should've released an apology for their smear campaign. Hell, I'm surprised Hermione never tried suing on Harry's behalf or something.~

Daily Prophet: Hey, looks like Potter and Dumbledore were telling the truth this whole time! It almost makes this entire year look like a pointless waste of effort! Heh, heh, whoopsidoodle. Also Fudge might be resigning.

People who actually were trying to do something this year: YAAAAAAAAAY! *and there was much rejoicing*

Daily Prophet: THERE IS A MAGICAL SYMBOLS GAME! PAY ATTENTION TO IT! IT IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN ANYTHING YOU WILL EVER EXPERIENCE AGAIN IN YOUR ENTIRE LIVES. As is this ad for brooms or something. And Umbridge is fired and crap.

Everyone in the universe except for Filch: Good.

Daily Prophet: Robin: The Boy Blunder? Batman's new sidekick is a lame, cheery, cheesy, fruity fruitcake with no pants and a Hamburglar mask. He ruins the once beloved dark and gritty Batman.

Everyone involved in the magical world: …Who the fuck's Batman?

Sirius: He's pretty cool, you should visit Gotham sometime, it's awesome.

Daily Prophet: This one's probably first page news, but yeah, He-Who-Shall-Be-Renamed-Once-Again-To-Sir-Not-Appearing-In-This-Film-Next-Year is back and stuff. It is our professional opinion that now is the time TO PANIC!

Hogwarts: *looks like it's in the middle of winter in that black and tan photo*

Daily Prophet: Dumbledore's back, hopefully we have something about Sirius Black being posthumously exonerated, life is good. Except for those who have to deal with his loss or something, but they'll easily get over it offscreen with no lingering effects of grief and absolutely no nightmares whatsoever, unlike this year where they had repeated ones for some random classmate they hardly knew.

Harry: I'm in my dorm room!

Book readers: …Wut.

Harry: Yep! Packing away! Laaa da da deee da da doo, la daaaa da da da dee da doooo!

Book readers: …They did not skip over that part. That part's kind of hugely integral to the plot. Though admittedly it would be hard for Gambon to actually be able to successfully act being remorseful…

Harry: *picks some dried blood off his sweatshirt*

Rifftrax: This garment has tremendous significance to Harry. But no, audience, it's none of your business.

Ron: *comes into the dorm* Feast's about to start.

Harry: Thanks Ron, but if iheart recalls correctly, this scene was shot incredibly early on, and I'm rather crap, especially at the delivery of this particular line. This scene'll be cut anyway.

Ron: Yeah, I'm not really that good in this scene either—

Harry: Are you kidding? I mean, I myself get better right about here, and you're being a perfectly understanding best mate, just like you were at this point in the books. Well done, really.

Ron: *gives a half-hearted smile and walks out*

Harry: Welp, nothing left for me to do except close my trunk and mope next to it until I wander around aimlessly for no reason.

Ron: *coming into the common room*

Hermione: Well? Is he coming?

Ron: Oh yeah, he'll be right down to join in the festivities of whoever won the House Cup this year. Of course he's gonna stay alone and mope for a bit! The closest thing he had to any kind of family that actually said they'd like him to move in with them just fucking died, of course he'd want some time to grieve about it, you daft git.

Hermione's eyebrows: Yes, of course, I've read all about this kind of thing. We must be sure to treat him like he's a piece of porcelain when he comes to the Burrow this summer in the book version.

Ron: …Right. That won't aggravate him at all.

Hermione: Exactly!

Ron: Okay, seriously, you're smiling in this scene. This really isn't the proper moment. No wonder this was cut.

iheartmwpp: The final eyebrow count is…holy shit, seventy-four. Girl needs to learn to stop.

Harry: And now for me to slowly lock my trunk and just sit on the bed while I have another flashback.

Audience: OH COME THE FUCK ON, WHY DO WE HAVE TO KEEP DOING THIS—Oh, this is new.

Harry: Huh, I guess I didn't Portkey directly to Dumbledore's office after the Ministry, then. I seem to be holding a note telling me to come up here so Dumbledore can finally exposit shit I'd already figured out by this point. I really don't care, and don't think I'll be able to again for quite some time. And by quite some time I mean that I'll be completely over it at the start of the next movie. Ah well, at least tell me I can smash shit.

Book readers: WE WANT A CAPS LOCK RANT! IF THERE'S ANY POINT WHERE IT SHOULD'VE RIGHTFULLY HAPPENED, IT'S NOW. OH, AND SMASH THE SHIT OUT OF DUMBLEDORE'S OFFICE WHILE YOU'RE AT IT, HALF OF US THINK HE'S EVIL ANYWAY.

Harry: The Sword of Gryffindor…A statue of two lizard things mating…The Sorting Hat…Wouldn't it be great if I just started throwing them around?

Book readers: YES. YES IT WOULD.

Filmmakers: Denied. Not enough time.

Harry: …It's the shortest film so far.

Filmmakers: Do you have any idea how long all these pointless knick knacks took to make? We can't have you destroying them, they're needed for the exhibitions!

Harry: Well fuck you, then, I'm out of here.

Dumbledore: Hang on, I have to explain what happened during the movie. Come on.

Harry: I don't wanna!

Dumbledore: Do it anyway.

Harry: I severely hate you right now.

Dumbledore: I know exactly how you feel, believe me.

Harry: *very subdued* No you don't. You have no idea how it feels to lose people who are significant to you and who you love. Only I can truly understand that kind of pain.

Dumbledore: *rolls eyes* I fucking hate teenagers.

Harry: *sniffs* It's my fault, and you will never be able to fully convince me otherwise.

Dumbledore: Harry, look at me when you're crying! It's all my fault, I should've taken Sirius's advice and told you shit all year, seeing as I haven't learned from the past three years that you often endanger yourself and others if not given enough information. But yeah, I knew that Voldemort would eventually find out about the connection between the two of you. I thought that, by distancing myself from you, he'd be less inclined to try anything.

Harry: What about using someone else I trust as a proxy to tell me everything? For example, the guy who died because I didn't know enough?

Dumbledore: I'm really not that smart.

Harry: Imma spontaneously change the subject now, I'm sick of talking about Padfoot. So the prophecy said that I'm basically the Chosen One.

Dumbledore: Yep! And you're a moron if you haven't figured that out by now, quite frankly. Hey, I do a pretty decent job in this scene of looking resigned and shit. Yaaaay go me.

Harry: WHY THE FUCK DIDN'T YOU JUST TELL ME THIS IN FIRST YEAR, SINCE I'VE PROBABLY BEEN SUBCONSCIOUSLY BLAMING MYSELF FOR MY PARENTS' DEATHS SINCE AT LEAST MUM MIGHT'VE LIVED IF NOT FOR MY EXISTENCE. At least knowing why would've eased my mind a great deal, you prick.

Dumbledore: For the same reason you tried and failed to save Sirius, and the same reason your friends kind of just stood around uselessly in the background without attempting to do a damn thing while you were possessed.

Harry: …I'm confused.

Dumbledore: Look, your life's fucked up enough as it is, I didn't want you to have this hanging over your head as well. Because I love you.

Harry: …Here's a thought. You could've had Sirius or someone tell me that there was a chance that Voldemort could access my mind through my scar, possibly even to the point of possession, and if you were around he'd be more tempted to do so, and there's something hidden in the Department of Mysteries that he wants to get to and might use me to get to so you should stay as far away from there as possible no matter what, and we're very very sorry but we can't tell you all that much in case Voldemort tries to access that information? I'd accept that better than "You're an insignificant child who doesn't deserve to know a fucking thing," at least!

Dumbledore: Again, the Order of the Phoenix doesn't really recruit people for their brains.

Harry: Okay, fine, I'll just sit here staring blankly at you until the scene changes, then.

Dumbledore: That's my boy.

~But enough of that scene, I'm sure no one cares anyway.~

Castle: STAIRCASES STILL MOVE AND THE PORTRAITS ARE BACK no one cares.

Rifftrax: Ah, the lovable, annoying, leering, spying, jabbering painting people are back.

Harry: Apparently we're back in the present or whatever.

Filch: *puts another painting back* Meow.

Harry: That's nice for you.

Luna: I'm hanging notices and things.

Harry: I'm not even going to greet you or anything, I'm just going to walk up to you and ask why you're not at the feast either. Those other students in the background I really don't give a shit about.

Luna: Oh, I've just lost pretty much everything I own. Everyone in my House pretty much hates me, so they steal my things and hide them. It makes it very difficult to do homework, but Flitwick seems to hate me too since he does nothing about it. Meh.

Harry: Why is every child in the history of existence nothing but a horrible monster.

Luna: I figure I let them have their fun and take my revenge on them once I graduate and finally come across a Crumpled-Horned Snorkack and send it on their asses.

Harry: Sweet.

Luna: Still, it's the last night, and I really would like them back for the summer.

Harry: Wait, you're a fourth year, right?

Luna: Yes?

Harry: …So why don't you just Summon them?

Luna: Quite a few wrackspurts have made a nest in Ravenclaw Tower, making it a bit difficult for any of us to actually possess any degree of intelligence. Plus they might've taken my wand as well, Iunno.

Harry: Want a hand finding them?

Luna: Nah, I'm good. Might even try that Summoning idea later.

Harry: If you say so.

Luna: I am sorry about your godfather, though, Harry. *holds his hand comfortingly*

iheartmwpp: MAKE OUT ALREADY. Yeah, yeah, I know they're just friends but they're ADORABLE.

Harry: You're positive you don't want my help?

Luna: Nah. Anyway, my mum always said, "Things we lose have a way of coming back to us in the end. *looks up* If not always in the way we expect. Which could also be used to describe the ones we've loved and lost, but right now I'm probably talking about my shoes.

Shoes: HOW DID WE GET UP HERE.

Luna: *turns back to Harry* Think I'll just leave those there and have some pudding instead.

Harry: …That seems slightly stupid.

Luna: Again, wrackspurts. *skips off*

Rifftrax: If the cafeteria ever ran out of pudding, I'd kill everyone in the school. Bye!

Harry: …That is one weird girl.

~I'd like to think he at least got her shoes down for her anyway.~

OWLS!: *exist*

Students in Muggle clothes as opposed to the robes they were all still wearing four years ago: *burst into song* We've got these days of summer to/Remind us of each other…

Camera: *follows one of the train guys for a while for no reason*

Parvati, Padma, and other nameless children: Yay, the evil overlord has returned! I can't wait to have a summer full of fun and death!

Nigel: Do I now own Pig, what the hell?

Dean: Fuck if I know.

Ginny: …Why am I standing rather close to Seamus and not Dean? Weird…

Parvati and Padma: …Wait, didn't we already head into the train station?

iheartmwpp: *blinks, rewinds* No, it just looked like you two, sorry.

Harry: ANYWAY. I was thinking about something Dumbledore was rambling about, not that he did, I actually figured it out myself, basically, but who gives a shit.

Hermione: What?

Harry: …Sorry, I was distracted by the fact that I'm wearing the same shirt that I was in the beginning of the movie. YAY BOOKENDS!

Neville and Luna: Hang on, we want to hear this too.

Harry: So we've got a shitload of battles and blood and death and gore to get through in the next couple of years, but we've got one thing that Voldemort doesn't have.

Ron: Yeah?

Harry: *with conviction* Something worth fighting for.

Ron: …Which is?

Harry: …Friends and family and the people you love and stuff. Duh?

Ron: Ah. You kind of left us hanging there.

Harry: I did? I thought it was obvious.

Ron: Not really. You're kind of demeaning people who fight for a cause they believe to be just and right, which the Death Eaters unfortunately do have. They believe very strongly in it, and many of them would die for those beliefs.

Harry: No one asked you! Let's just get on the train, I can't wait to meet most of the rest of the Order and see them threatening the Dursleys and crap so I know that, despite my recent loss, I'll know that I'll always have people who support and care about me!

Filmmakers: Hasn't he learned anything by now?

Book readers: *scream of incoherent rage*

Camera: *pans over students, and then the train, before going over the Forest and Lake and settling on a nice, pleasant view of Hogwarts as nice, pleasant music plays in the background…and then it kind of just fades out*

~…That wasn't so much an ending as it was…stopping. I don't know, something doesn't sit right with me about this…conclusion? And I guess the credits are mimicking the Educational Decrees or something. Would've gone better with spinning Daily Prophet ads, I think, NO MORE PINKISH CRAP.~

Review or people will die horribly because the head of your school didn’t tell you something. HOORAY!


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